Not today

It turns out nothing ever changes sometimes.
Dreams are once again dashed upon the rocky shores.
Night settles down.

You take a deep breath cuddle deep inside your blankets.
Cry those tears that never see the light of day.
Shake your head, straighten up.
Standing tall as you can.

I will face today.
It will all be ok.
I know what I am worth
Im choosing now.

Step back, fade into the crowd.
Another day....but not today.

You see naive, somewhat a fool.
Trust me when I say Im not so blind and ignorant as you think.
The truth always comes out.

My reasons are my own,
but I can stand without you.
Breath easier without you.
Dream of a future not frozen in chains,
Insecuritys domain.

Off to fly now....another day...just not today

The truth comes out

So you got in a fight with your best friend....and the truth came out. "man up and tell your bitch that shes just a cusion..." "youve been talking shit about her for 2 years" ....hmmm really makes me kinda wonder. Its an odd feeling inside right now. Almost frozen again. Distant from the rest of whats going on. I could get used to this. I can put you at a distance.... for the first time...I can seperate. I am excited about school for me. Excited at the things I am going to accomplish. Though theres this part of me growing that knows you wont stay to see the places I will make it.

I will be ok. She will be ok. We are a team. I have always taught her that and she knows it right down to her core. We can breath without you.

You stayed for thanksgiving....giving some bullshit story about how you didnt want to deal with traffic. I think you had 2 very different and specific reasons. First off: K. wasnt going. 2nd off: You wonder....if just maybe you got away with out me seeing what Billy and Michelle said. You wonder if you made it by the skin of your teeth. But you feel guilty so just in case, you stuck around. Trying to butter me up or something. So the real question becomes.....was it because you truly care and are worried you fucked it up....or at least feel bad about hurting me.....or you just want to "protect" your "cushion" keep me happy till you figure it out.

the questions keep on rolling....do I even really care anymore?....Ive got my little girl.....we dont need anyone else. Especially someone who doesnt want to be here anyways. I wont let another man use me. And especially not make her think she matters and then walk away.


oh and not to mention that everyone seemed to know about NJ before me. Like Michelle saying you didnt tell me cause you needed a place to live....and Pat even knew....you havent talked to him in forever how did he know...and you didnt correct him last night either....when he said good luck in NJ. You didnt tell him you werent going. I should question that today.....breath....keep distant....protect....guard.

quick

I just want to run to you. I wish I could curl up in your arms and lie there till this all gets better. But I cant. Thats been taken away from me. All of it falls to pieces. And this hurts...more than I can bare....I lost my best friend too

Hey God its me again...

Same old story God. It kinda really hurts. The pain is echoing off every wall and hidden crevice of my heart. To give anything to go back to the begining....to cherish one more laugh one more long day snuggling. Ouch! Too much now,


I keep going back between tears and hollowness. Between being resigned...and knowing you've already made your choice. I guess somewhere in the darkness there still whispers that small dream....for once it'd be me. Im sorry. Im sorry I was not enough to make you happy. Im sorry I ever first kissed you. You made me believe in a future. In the promise of forever. Forever came too soon.

I wish you the best in life, in love, in friendship. Good luck on your job interview. Im sure you'll do well in NJ. Thanks for letting me know ahead of time. Looks like you figured your way out after all. Thanks for using me. You could have bypassed the kiss goodnight the saying I love you...the sex. While planning this behind my back the whole time. You could have been more than that. But thank you. I am already getting a little bit stronger...

Please dont spare much thought for me and her. We will be fine. We've always got eachother. Shes already survived one dad walking out on her. Now we know. I wont risk her poor heart again. Not for anyone.

So this is it huh? All those days led up to this. They say better to have loved and lost....I disagree now. Can I go back please? To before you....you promised not to break my heart...You broke every promise you ever made me...

At least you'll finally have your space and privacy....you can focus on your son. Again I wish you the best...even through the pain

fuck it

Im done with the bullshit. I no longer give a damn. I refuse to. I dont need you to tell me I look prety or to make me feel good. I give more than you deserve. Yeah maybe that sounds kinda spiteful. But I dont give a fuck right now. I just dont give a shit. Keep your porn Ill be happy with my toys and the occasional good fuck from you. Whenever you can muster up the energy. Oh but wait make sure you make a trip to the bathroom first with your phone to help you get ready.

Yeah I am kinda psycho thats what I think. Thats what youve reduced me to feeling like is going on with all your fucking sneaky shit. Maybe if you tried to make me feel better instead of sneaking around. I could actually get past the hurt and have something good come of it.

But nope! that would never happen in a million years. Cause you just cant care enough to try to understand. Or at least support me with it. Piss off!

You want bitch? Youre about to see her. keep pushing....keep with the snide comments. I will not break again. And definitely never again for you.

I get it. I get that youre stressed....but I deserve better than this half assed shit youve been giving me.

If I was brutally honest with myself...Id ask how long? really how long has this been going on.

Secrets never stay where they should ya know. Reality bites. so do birthdays...by the way thanks for making this one so special...it was yet another in the long line for sure...though maybe not that far.

Heres a suggestion

If youre not in the mood to rough house like we usually do.

A. Dont start it. and

B. if you dont want to be pinned ya could always just stop moving and say seriously not in the mood. Instead of leaving a welt from pinching me :( (and you say thats all you could do to get me off. I could think of a few different ways)

ummm...hello hypocrit. Dont pin me then. Dont flick me, dont try to rough house.....if you cant do it without getting frustrated the very few and far between times i get the best of you. Then dont do it at all. Dont get mad at me for not listening when you say stop when you keep flicking still. Dont get mad at me for not listening when you dont either.

stop being so damn stubborn competitive and hypocritical. >( and hey....saying sorry goes a lot farther than getting defensive.

Hi pissy pants...meet angry housewife!!!!

I know you are stressed and wound tight right now....but lets try not taking it out on the person who does anything and everything for you. Theres an idea.

Fade away

In my head I saw stars, I thought my dreams had come true.

But those are just wishful fantasies, of a girl I thought I knew.



Wake to the thunderstorm rage,

another rainy day.

wake to the age old heartach and fear,

that birthed here long ago.



Kalidascope thoughts,

adrift in my head,

chipping away at my soul.



you hear the dying sounds of hopes last breath,

a cold chill settles in.

How to prepare a heart...for the long bitter winter ahead.

When a little piece dies everyday...

blah

A persons spirit can bend only so many times before it breaks.....and when it breaks it shatters.

A body can only take so much stress before it begins to not work right...from the head to the stomach...and everything else included.




~How to mend a broken spirit, how to heal those broken wings.
Desperatly trying to hold on, to the innocence of dreams~

unsent letter

What is it that always leaves the human heart wanting more? That leaves it desperate to forget the pain of the past. Or maybe I'm just one of the unlucky few. Who cant let go...just hit a switch and make the past stay where it belongs. But the insecurities are never far away. The fear is always lurking in the back of my mind.

For me, its a vicious scar.
Torn to the very fabric of my being.
It gets easier now though. To seperate myself from my emotions.
I can be content. Just comfortable with the continuity of having you.
But never expecting anything else.

Is that what loves come to?
Never even daring to dream, you could truly be the one to end the pain.
The fear and confusion, self doubt, especially anger and tears.
So close, yet we seem so far away sometimes.

Its getting easier with you. And its weird. Ive never been able to close myself down like this before. Not with anyone. But with you....I am starting to have my moments. It's easier now.

Would that scare you to know, I wonder?

This letter doesnt really have a purpose. I love you, being with you has made me so happy. I guess that goes back to the original statement. Why does the human heart always want more? Why cant I be happy with the time I get. The attention I do get. And not wish you would go that one step further....at least once in awhile, be out of the ordinary. I like romance too. I deserve it. It was a plesant dream for a moment. Now back to our lives. Our goofball, troublemaking, mostly great lives. I just had to some way voice this feeling.

For all that you have given me....all that you have done....and especially all that you are. Thank you. I am so happy to have you in my life.

thoughts

My heart breaks some days...wondering, aching to know if this is forever after. An icy coldness settles in. Im so exhausted of wondering...of not knowing where I stand....I wish...I dream....Im lost somewhere.....a frightened heart hiding in the dark...

To hope is to die a little each day your dream does not come true. To hope is a cruel joke leaving you hanging on by a thread when everything screams let go. Do I dare to hope? DO I dare to dream? Wishing I could just let go....forget everything

strange thoughts

I am desperate.....I wish so badly I could take her and run far away sometimes. Away from everyone. I wish it could be just me and her off in some distant life. Not needing anyone...but eachother.

I am a cruel mother for even having that thought in a way. But to dream of a life without heartbreak for her or me is nice. I would never let her down. I am the one person in her life how would do anything and everything for that lil girl. She is my world.

This relationship lately is petrifying. I cant get my head around anything anymore. I cry when I see weddings. I cry over anything sweet and sappy and romantic lately. I dream of it....but on the other hand. He could crush our souls if hes not careful.

Is love truly worth the risk? I ask myself that everyday lately. It would be a bold move indeed. To up and leave everything and everyone behind. Do I have it in me to live that kind of life?

Would I want to?

These are certantily strange times. Would you even miss us?

Maybe....it should be just me...

Another nightmare

When dreams are torn asunder
fairytales lead to gripping horror
This nightmare has just begun.

How long til I wake up from disaster.
Leave it all behind.

Turn a corner, see a girl standing there.
Pitiful to behold, you see that look in her eye
Frightened, damaged to the core.
Tears streaming from her eyes.

You stand accused for all thats been done to her
You stand in judgement for every scar.
Chains of fear bind your arms to your side.
Never changing, your fate was never yours to decide

Echoed strangeness....Ive been here before.

The sleeping lion wakes to roar....
I am not.....invisible.
I am not...that same weak little girl.

Watch as the nightmare unfolds....
dazed standing still.
Just to exsist.


Out of touch with my emotions, I can deal with you.
Frozen at the core, a smile plastered on.
Puppet. But who holds the strings?

Nightmares swirl. Faceless girl.
Jealousy consumes, let go to a new awakening.


Stand tall, detached, distant ....survive

rant

How dare you! Ungrateful ass! I am allowed to have days when I dont want to do anything. I make dinner every night. I run all your errands. I clean the whole house. I take care of our home life. No I dont mind. That is my part. But for fucks sake come on! Show a little damn appreciation. I cooked for you when my back was killing me. ANd I ask for take out one day. I ask for a break from any and all things dinner. And you get pissed cause I dont want to drag a 4 year old out just to go pick it up. When you are already out. You claim youre too tired to stop and get it you had a long day. Then when you get pissed off at me. You dont even come home. You go out til 11pm with the boys. Yeah tired my ass. You just didnt want to deal with it.

Fuck off. Im done.

Trust in nothingness

Trust in me
Nothingness remains
Die here, just to live once again.

Stealing blindly, random fights.
Silence echos, fate surrounds.

Clawing and crawling your way back
Fades to black once more.

Insanity shrinks to nothingness.
Dont care, frozen, lost all the same.

A sad melody drifts along the breeze.
A girl dressed in white, whistles softly the tune.
Searching through the fields.
To find, what once was there.

Suicide and goodbye to my last love.
I will survive once more.....for the very last time.
Trust....in nothingness

The very empty silence that surrounds

Something I've realized

SO I used to think I never dreamed of a wedding. I grew up my whole life....Never dreaming of what my wedding would be like. I always dreamed about kids though. But it seems as if I knew at that young age. SOme things were not meant for me.

I dream now though. Its that wishful dream. Where it terrifies you to the core. You want it so bad, but are afraid to hope. He's the only guy Ive ever felt this way about. Wishful dreams... right!?

If he does ask me to marry him though, he better make sure its forever. Make sure that he's not just gonna try and jump ship at the first time of trouble. See now, this is where it gets hard. I dont know if he's ever gonna want to get married again. So many things I dream of now....I think I liked it better when I didnt think I deserved to dream....THen it wasnt so painful as it is now. Then I knew in my soul....I wasnt going to be happy....I thought i didnt deserve to be.

Now I know. I deserve the best...my daughter deserves the best. SO theres so many new dreams floating out of all this. That it makes me want to run for cover most days. But when one tiny one of those dreams comes true. It makes it all worth while. If only I could chose the dreams to be real.....

*sigh* whispered dreams

way overdue good

So I finally realized that i never specified the changes in my life between 2008 I think and the recent posts.

I found someone. :) The happiest moment for me...whas that day. It was summer 2009 when my neighbor came by. I was outside on the back porch smoking a cig and reading with coffee. He stopped by to say hi to the little one. She was inside watching a movie and surprisingly couldnt be bothered to see him that day. Lol which is surprising if you knew her history with him.

I've known this man for six years. He's been my neighbor. My house backdoor faces his. We used to be outside summers for cook outs and he'd be working on his motorcycle outside or off riding on it. He'd always stop by to say hi to the kids. He's great with kids. Kylie adored him from about the time she was 1.

To explain something about my daughter too. She hated most men. On days me and her dad would fight she hated all men. Would scream whenever one even looked at her. Even her dad. Especially him really. But on those days....if she saw Randy. She would light up. She adored him completly...recognized the sound of his work truck coming home....would run to ask to go say hi....he was always so kind. He always had a min to spare for her. He was an almost friend. That all changed starting that summer day.

He came by to see her...she was too busy as 2 year olds are. So we chatted a bit. I offered him coffee. He stayed for about an hour. I admit I already knew I had a crush on him since moving home. I was half in love him with just like my kid lol. I adored him and felt so bad for how his home life was.

he had been married for 11 years to a cold unfaithful bitch. Stole money from him. cheated on him...Had him running around in circles trying to make her happy...all the while... she did nothing for him. He hurt his back one day on his quad. was laid up in bed for a few days. She didnt even come offer him water or anything. She thought he deserved it for "playing". That was his life.

That day...he told me he finally had enough. He was getting a divorce. Let me tell you when he said that I felt my heart jump shouting "yes! I can make you happy...gimme a chance. :) " lol then I calmed that bit down and stopped myself. lol I got control. We talked for about an hour and a half. He asked me my opinion on his hair cut. He had long hair before down to his mid back. He had cut it short and spiky for the first time in years. I was drooling over it. He looked hot! I told him so. It kinda jumped out before I could think and change the word hot to it looks great or something. A tad embarassing...guess I didnt have as much control as I thought.

so summer passed into fall and we talked here and there...just a friendly quick chit chat if we happened to pass on our day. If I was outside when he came home...which i usually managed to be...me and girly both went flying to the door when we heard that truck. He always made us smile. Espeially when girly wanted to say hi. He told me he might be moving. And I told him girly would love it if we could keep in touch. Yeah Im a sucker I used my kid. But I gave him my number and he gave me his. Said he def. wanted to do that. I couldnt ever figure out if he was interested in me or not. I know hes basically been seperated from his ex for 1yr by this point. Even though they still lived together they never spoke basic roomates. Seperate rooms no contact. Every time we saw him we just chatted about random things. over the years he had heard my horror story with my ex. And I heard his. We spoke about what we wanted out of a relationship. We just clicked. Had a lot of the same views.

Then october came around. His ex wife had moved out. the divorce was in process. He was free of her for sure. We chatted about that and girly told him about the cake she wanted for her birthday. She was so excited...she was getting a princess castle cake. When she wandered out of ear shot he insisted he wanted to buy her cake. He wanted to get her a little something she wanted. And since that excited her. That was it. I tried to deny him. It was $40 thats a freaking lot for a present. But as I said he insisted. It was sweet. so i let him. Telling myself I wouldnt remind him or ask for the money for it when the time came to order it at the end of the month.

weeks passed and i didnt see much of him. It was the day before halloween. I was sitting outside. and his truck roars by....he hits in in reverse and pulls in my driveway. I walk down to meet him as he gets out. He hands me money and apoligizes for waiting so long he knows her birthday is days away. Tells me hes been busy with work and thats why I havent seen him. I invited him to the party before...so he tells me he is going to make it. He just has to work early morning but will be home in time to stop by. Tells me theres a little something extra in there for money can I pick her up a little something from him please. Only if I have to go out. Otherwise I can take her after her party.

I had already put the money in my pocket so I didnt realize how much he had given me. Said I was glad we would see him at the party. I go inside to find out he had just handed me $80 total. $40 for a cake and $40 for her other "lasting" present as he called it. My heart melted that he would do that for my kid. I remeber asking my sister...do you think that means he likes me if he'll do that for her. I dunno lol. I was silly schoolgirl mess.

Halloween night comes around. We take the kdis trick or treating. Its about 10 pm and im outside smoking a cig. Just heard the song "tonights gonna be a good night" feeling slightly amped. I finally get the guts to send him a quick text. I txt him "omg you are too sweet. thanks again for doing that for girly. You didnt have to do that. :) " He calls right after the text goes through. We chat a bit he goes on to say its no big dea what not....Then he asks if girlies still awake. Can he say hi....I say sure she is...shed love to see him...so then. I dash inside wake her up and throw on her coat and slippers and head out back to meet him to say hi. LMAO I know. I know...I am sucha mean mom to wake her up. She pays me back daily for those few times.

We're out back talking only a few short moments and all of a sudden it starts to rain. Im thinking shit this stinks. I woke her up for nothing...But he invites us inside. We go inside and since his ex decided to be a total bitch and take everything...the main floor of the house was empty of everything...even paintings on the wall. SO we go upstairs to sit on his bed so girlie can watch cartoons while we talk.

Having a grand ole time he gives her some pops to eat. She starts slamming her hand in the bowl cause she likes seeing the spray everywhere, more than she likes eating them. Im like oh no...shes making a mess. Embarassed...I lunge to stop her....His response....he slams his hand in the bowl and makes a bigger mess. lol. I dropped then too. Me and Kylie are hysterical at all this. Then I decide to be an adult again and start cleaning. His bed....which mind you is about 3 feet off the ground. Its a big bed. So I innocently lean over the side to try to pick up pops without getting up...and somehow...I dunno what happened. But I started to fall. Of course he caught me. Caught me around the back slid his hand down my back to my butt to make sure I was steady enough. Of course it was only for support. lol... smooth move on both parts :)

Then we do the whole cheesy he tickles me and I use it as a way to get into his arms laying down on the bed. We kiss...words cant describe. One thing eventually led to the other which perhaps was not good. But it had been so long for both of us. ANd girlie was conviently watching cartoons in the other room. By the end of it my legs were shaking. (Side note: sorry TMI I know....but I need to write everything somewhere. My blog My rules) :)

I Stayed until about 4 am that day he only got an hour sleep before work. We were up talking and enjoying eachothers company. It was def. the best night of my life.

I saw him briefly on my back porch the next night. I was nervous I didnt know what to think. We hadnt said anything about what had happened between us that first night I went to his house. I didnt know what he thought. Though he had always told me he would never mess around with a single mom without being sure. You just dont do that he said. The next day was girlies party. He didnt make it home in time :(

He was pissed at his customer for keeping him so late. Girly got to thank him for her presents "he" got her. A movie and a pony house. He stayed for about an hour or so and then went home. We still hadnt talked. Then thats when I figured I had to move again lol. I asked girlie if she wanted to watch the movie she got from Randy with him. She says no mom I want to watch it here. SO I say fine. Ok! Thats good cause you cant watch it with him anyways. Of course anything you tell a just newly turned 3 year old she cant do....omg she bawled her eyes out. But mom I want to watch it with him. SO I say ok being the great mom that I am :p I tell her we will call him and when i do he answers on the first ring. I tell him girlie wants to ask him something. SO she gets on the phone with him. "Randy can I watch my new movie with you at your house?" aww...how cute I tell him. She came up with the idea all on her own. What a smart girl >.> <.< lol ...So of course he says yes. Come right over Ill be down to open the door in second. We spend another night there. Up til 2 am this time. Which shortly begun with a conversation once again about what we expected out of a relationship. Then as Im laying in his arms. He turns to me and says so how bout it? What do you think? Do you wanna be my girl? I got a silly little smile on my face and nodded and barely said yes of course.

The early days were filled with giddy anticipation. Seeing him talking to him. Telling my mom and my sister. I was on cloud nine. I used to sit on the kitchen counter when he cooked for us. He would turn on the raido and sing to me. Though he very rarely sings the actual words to the song. He kinda makes up his own. It was so easy to spend every night with him till the wee hours of the morning. I dont know how he functioned at work those days. lol.

I moved in rather quickly. Spent most nights there and then in late Jan. I moved in officially. I love every wrestle match. Every nerf gun war...every water fight. Every movie night. Every late night talk. I love his son. I love that his son has been a big part of our lives already too. That Kylie first chose to call Randys son her brother...then quickly started calling Randy daddy.

Though it has been a long road already. and because of both our pasts sometimes...we stumble a bit on our road together. But he gets me...in a way no one else ever has. He has faced parts of my past and loved me for them. He has been my strength through some trying times. He is mi corazon. My heart and soul. And it doesnt hurt that my whole family loves him too.

So our story continues. as I said sometimes we stumble....but we keep moving on together....I dream of where our story might go...though I get scared sometimes...I still dream

flames and fairy tales

Ive got a lot of rocks in my head,
thinking bout the things that you said.
I cant get them off of my mind.

Wanna be wrapped in your arms
feeling safe and secure
But a cold wind blows me away.

That day....
the lightning flashed,
the crack echoed across time.
Step outside my mind.
Just the barest ability to exsist.

Different love,
binding to end all.
My soul was yours.
mi corazon.

Blow away, the burning of one last wish.

Me and her, we'll make it through.

Good bye to the dream of a fairy tale,
the page suggests a happy ending,
surrenders to the burning of a bridge.

Cold and hollow conforms to an empty soul.

weirdness

crazy thoughts and crazy deeds. Its a funny feeling the past week. Ya know Ive been through my fair share of shit in my life. But never until last week have I ever reached a point where I felt like this.


That blinding flash and then the world went dark. I went numb. How do you recover from that? I heard the crack. I felt my soul and spirit break. I have a hard time showing affection now. Cant handle being around groups of people.

Cant say I love you. I feel frozen. A step out of time. Things are fine with him.... now. We joke, play, have sex....all of that....but its still off. Somethings missing from me. I cant feel anything really. Its a fog... a blur in my head.

How do I go back. I would have given anything that day to have him take it back...and when he did. I froze. GOt cold. dont know what to do now.

The worst part about all this might just be...that Im liking the cold numb feeling. its scary

Anon

So....through out the past week I have come to know the entity anon. I stumbled across "his" posts on a website I visit. Reading his words. neither revealing or lies....has brought me a new perspective. Seemed to have woken up something that was inside me. Brought to life by what Ive been going through. It goes beyond the normal aching realizations. Though how is it that words he speaks, shed light on so many of my issues....but I do not know his troubles at all. I do not even know the day to day that is his life. If only I could find the words to explain to him. What he showed me. Without even meaning to. I know he helps people. It seems as if he claims his heart is gone. Tiny shards of glass are bigger than the pieces...in its place he wants to help...I think his heart is there. Truer not in spite of but because of the pain. I want to change sometimes...No one ever really knowing. What I think or feel. Not letting anyone too close. Give tid bits of my life....but nothing more. Arms length. Leave them always reaching. I feel frozen lately.....The change is already taking place somewhat. Hit fast forward again. See how it all plays out

yesterday

You know its kinda funny. Yesterday I felt true pain. Agonizing...made everything else in my life dwindle down to nothing compared to this. My soul was torn from my body. How do you recover from that? I think things are going back. But that void is still there. Now do I truly know what it means to break. You did nothing wrong. Got closure fine. But you hid it from me. Now what do I do? I was sneaky invaded your privacy. But ya know what! There shouldnt be anything to hide. Neither right...neither wrong. But hopelessly torn. I cant even whisper the words outloud right now. I took a step outside my body. My emotions are frozen. Its the first time I havent known how to feel. Odd really. You are amazing in so many ways. You made a family out of us. No hesitation no exceptions. You are so much fun to be around. Mostly you get me. Like no one else ever has. But sometimes....you dont understand at all. Still more good...everyday i love waking up to you. But has that all changed now? I know some things need to change with me. But will I lose myself in the process? Always being the one to give in. to change to suit you? I think thats what scares me most. But yesterday...ya know when my soul was torn out....Yesterday I would have given anything to stay with you. When you said those words...That was the breaking point. It was like this great big giant flash...and then nothing but overwhelming pain. I heard the crack. What now? how do you truly feel? Im scared...hurt...alone...I want to know if im the only one. I want to know where do I/we go from here. Lost doesnt even begin to describe it. I'll take honest pain...over betrayal. You promised me forever....but almost let it go. What now? my heart drags me to the ground.

do I have the courage. Im not really scared of the answer...just the reaction....we shall see. It will depend on how he acts when he gets home. useless ramblings of the mentally and physically exhausted. Thats been my theme today. ANd man I have hit an all time record of hitting backspace today too. Screw it....even typos have their place. *sigh*

ramblings

Please just let me go. Is it so hard to ask. Just leave me be. let me go. say the truth. Why is it that no one can be real? Theres always something to hide. Guess what. You always get caught. No matter how sneaky you think you are. You always slip up somewhere. somehow. You do it way too much. Why? Im silly for how I feel. im too much. I snuggle too much. I care too much I fucking love too much. Well guess what. It's done. Yes I know Im depressed. I fucking get it loud and clear. So just fuck off. You cant fix me. You cant make me stronger. And somewhere in my heart cries you cant love me. If you did you would do something to make it better. But no...it just gets worse. I never said I was perfect. I never claimed to be. You thought I was better than this. Sorry thats what you get. Everyone can fuck off now. I cant handle it anymore. Cant handle caring about what other people want...what they think. I dont want to love anyone anymore. I wish I didnt have to feel anything at all. Wouldnt it be easier...simpler....that creeping voice saying my dad had the right idea....or the other one that says just screw it. leave it all behind and run.

My head is screaming right now. Doesnt feel so good. I just want to break everything down. start over.... run away...hide. Im so sick of this shit. All of it. So many questions I have...no answers forthcoming. Fuck it. Why the hell should I care anyways right? I dont need anything or anyone. Freakin gotta love days like this. Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck!!!!! goddamnit. Someone please just stop my head from spinning. Or give me the ability to read minds for just a few days. Wouldnt that be great huh. Thats all I would need too...just 1 or 2 days at most. Then I wouldnt wonder so much

forever and always

Taylor Swift: Forever and always...... thats what comes to mind now-a-days. Dunno why Im feeling like this really. Actually I do. I know its depression. But the root of all fears is valid. Thats what my depression is. Its fear. Too good to be true. I get so scared it makes me want to just stop. Stop caring...stop feeling....stop loving...even stop laughing. Because as much as laughter is good. It just makes the pain that much harder to bear because through the pain you remember how good it could be and it kills to think you may never feel that again. Never feel.... would I miss it? Just drop everything and disappear. A new life. no strings...no worries. Me and me alone for the long ride. Do I dream of it. but so many things hold onto me. Mainly that little angel who is so defiant...so stubborn and smart. So adorable lovable and sweet. She has my heart strings forever. That girl is what keeps me going. Always has been. Even before she was born. I wanted her. Maybe thats why this isnt so easy anymore....because in reality we are only allowed one dream come true in life. And she was mine. Im good with that. I am a surviver....a fighter....I will cope. For her...always and forever for her. Still small picture in my mind. A lifetime forever...hand in hand. You could be the one for us. And it terrifies me....more than you could ever know.

Things I'll never say

You like to act like you're perfect....but You arent. Not at all. For all your talk....all your promises. You were like them. For awhile. You think its ok because for all you know. I have no clue about what went on. I bet you dont ever give your actions a second thought now do you? Or could it be that possible you do....and every once in awhile you might feel a tinge of guilt.

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me....(yes)...yes?...(yes.)

Do you miss me?.....(yes)....did you like seeing me the other day...(yes)...whos your princess....(you are)

Are you gonna miss me?....(yes) ....Can I go to PR with you.....(sure)


You arent like them? Hmmm maybe I really do need to get my head checked. You say we moved fast....You forget how much you pushed at the begining?

(Can you handle all my love? can you be happy with this forever?)

Is it a wonder I fell. You loved my little girl from the start.....she trusted you. It felt like a dream with you. I never thought possible....and it scared me at first. Then I started believing too. I trusted you.

Not to mention...the countless times you stopped to see her. Did you spend weekend days with her? How many times did you take her shopping? How many minutes/ hours did you spend on the phone with her?

But it all stopped when you got back from PR. I was so scared when you left. I bet you didnt know how much I was fighting myself when you left....did I want to be there when you got back? Was there a point....or should I run before we fell any harder for you. I was so scared for girlie.

But you called...every day...you called me. Not her. You texted me....you didnt get mad that you had to dole out another $300 bucks for a new ticket cause I messed up the days and it was non refundable.

You made me feel like I was the best thing in the world. And oh boy was girlie ever glad when you came home. She held on so tight.....didnt want to let go.

But there were still issues....you told her out of respect for me you didnt want to see the dog....but every time she showed up with him....and every time she called you for him...You went running. Almost let her have the dog come here too. If it wasnt for me pointing out that I would have to be the one to muzzle him...You had already said yes to her. Without talking to me. Then went back and told her no after I reminded you of all that other stuff. The muzzle...your words....how the dog is around kids.

First thought was for her though. Then me.

Though I know you did what was best for us in the end. That first reaction still hurt. Though I know how much you love him....still.

Then lets see the other one....you took kyle to see her. I know you say shes just a friend...she has called you sexy on facebook.....you say there wasnt anything between you guys she was old enough to be your mom. Bullshit. I saw the message she sent you...stating how you guys wouldnt work out. She thought you needed a spanish woman. But she cared very deeply about you.
With all that....and you couldnt even tell me you stopped by to see her with your son. I know its your life. I dont want a say in where you go or who you see. Just be able to be honest enough to tell me. If you have to hide stopping to see a female friend....why? ....hmmm

Then lets move on to her....the one who claims you are her "other boyfriend" I know theres nothing there...but she oversteps sometimes. I am jealous of her....but I have to wonder with the way you talk about her.....do you ever wonder.....

So yes....Ive been snappy lately....I get upset. I do so much...but its the little things....I was desperate for a rub down....you promise full body masage....you promise a nice romantic night...Crash! On so many little things crash!

Snappy. Trying to get past this because in the end you made a final choice with me and her. Because in the end. every day is better with you in it. We love you so much...But its hard to get back that new trust in you. And because I know....if I ever told you all of this. I would lose your trust too. I was sneaky with finding it all out. So its a catch 22....and I hate myself for doing it again.....I hate myself partially.....for loving you so much. It hurts. after you I guarentee...theres no one else.


So yes. Ive been snappy lately....it all kinda caught up with me

So I sit here. Putting on the face that everythings perfect. That Im living the dream. But theres so many doubts and insecurities now....That Im stuck in a nightmare sometimes. I know IM already velcro...but I could really use a night where it is all about me....all about us. Kinda over the top a little. Remind me what I have to the full extent. I wonder if Im fooling everyone.

Things I'll never say....~

Big plans

I was thinking this morning....How I need to do something about my lack of confidence. I know exactally what I need to do to regain it. But those first few steps are terrifyig. First on my list is to start being immaculate. Keeping everything straight and in order. I have plenty of time to do it. My next step is exercise....I know if I push myself I can get to the weight I have always wanted. Then my piercings and tattoo. Maybe some new clothes. Go out just to have some down time. I know I can do that. For me.


So isnt it so funny that I could never do that for them! I couldnt give space...couldnt handle myself if I went out...always that fear loomed....and for no better reason than I did not give myself enough value.

I pray that ends today. Big plans floating around this head right now. I just pray I follow through on them. God itd be so nice to not be stuck in fear so much.

what if?

Have you ever truly thought about another life for yourself? I know everyone has probably wished for a better life...a different life at some point or another....but have you ever truly put thought into what that life should be like. If things were perfect and you could do anything you wanted to do...what would that be?

What would it take to make you happy?

Ive thought about this somewhat tonight. Itd be nice to have some money...To be able to splurge sometimes...be it on little things for myself or for those I care about. Id like to have a nice car. A small apt. Loft with a second full bedroom. Id like to be able to work desiging things....like invitations,and including photography. I want to keep working. I would do more things with my daughter...go see places. Even as far as going overseas as she gets older. Teach her about history up close.


But I wouldnt give up what I have now to have all that money. Right now I find joy in the little things. The joy of a new movie. Being able to chase eachother around with dart guns. All the simple things in life....that make it complete. The crazy urge to jump up and grab his hand to dance. To laugh and love freely and unsuspisciously. To be as close to fearless as possible in this crazy world.

please dont

I hate what you did to me. You made my mind and emotions a battlefield. You used my body as your own personal punching bag...or caged animal. Since usually it was only a threat...how far will to push before that fist doesnt just raise anymore? How many more times could I cry out to you to just love me....for me. ANd put me ahead of any other girls.


It destroyed something in me....almost completly. It still troubles me sometimes though....That still small voice that has echoed for years in my head. .....am I enough?

Thats something that never really goes away, isnt it? A part of me so lost....even now....that I cant seem to get things quiet right.

The fears, uncertanties, wondering. Not wanting to go back to that silence again. How is it that its so easy to crush things....but try to build them back seems damn near impossible sometimes.


Please dont be.....such a simple thing for me to ask of him....something I shouldnt have to ask....I shouldnt have to fear.....

please dont be like all of them.

Mean it when you say my past doesnt matter, mean it when you say you love me even as flawed as I am. Mean it when you call me velcro with that look in your eyes.

So simple....so small request...please dont


Lol then the song pops into my head...

Please dont say I love you...those words touch me way too deeply.....

Jewel- Near you always

That...is now.....

so this is today

Im clinging to the prayer that this wont fall apart. Im trying to fix something in myself that was broken long ago. But Im not sure where to start. If only wishes could be gran ted with a snap of your fingers....wouldnt that be nice and easy.

Here I stand a different person with all the same fears. But I dont know how to stop the caos in my head. On one hand Ive never been happier. So why do I sit here wondering when it will fall apart again. I wish I knew.

Its hard to let go of the feeling of not enough. I do everything for you. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I love you with all of my heart. So why am I always second guessing myself.

I know Im too clingy. And Im sorry for that. I dont give you the space you need. But what do you want from me. Do you want me to tear myself apart trying not to care. Trying to ignore all the hurt others have caused and pretend that I dont have insecurity issues. Its not you its me. The age old saying. But with that being said....how long until you get fed up with that. Will you leave because you cant take it anymore.


Dont ever compare me to her again. And yes saying youre just like my ex or you sound just like my ex is comparing me to that stupid cunt. I dont use that word lightly either. She destroyed you. Froze you out. Is that what you want me to do?

No I dont expect you to change everything to fit me. I know there are some things that I need to do different. But I just want you to love me despite it all. Its well and good to tell me of my faults....but what about all the good stuff.

You arent the same as all the past ones. But Im scared. You have more power to break me than anyone ever has before. I know if it happened I will pick myself and my daughter up off the floor and go on. And probably one day meet someone else. But it will be a broken person they all see.

I dont know how it happened so quick. How I feel so hard for you. Even a year later I am still astounded. I think I loved you before we got together. I loved that you made my daughter smile. I trusted you because she did. And she trusted even less easily than I did.

I know there wasnt much time between your ex leaving and me coming. But you chose it too.

Do you know I saw those texts from her. Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. and yes sad to say even the one of her asking if she could go to PR with you. I saw your responses too. Maybe thats why Im scared. I know she means nothing now. She proved time and time again who she was. Just as I have. And I know you called me every day you were gone. I know you missed me, I know you love me. But is it enough?

I see the shows on TV about weddings. I hear that new song marry me....and it brings me to tears every time. I wonder if my day will ever come. I dream of it with you. DId you know that? Ive always thought about it with the other ones. But I never wanted it with them. I wanted the life. That love that my grandparents had. I have all of it with you except the promise of forever. ANd with you I desperatly want it. I've made phone calls before and referred to you as my husband to make it easier to handle your stuff for you. And every time I do....every time someone calls you my husband. My heart swells with joy, pride and love. That terrifies me.

God there is something seriously screwed up with my head. Everyone in my life has walked away....at one time or another.....please dont be the same.

Love me even though Im a pain in the ass sometimes. Love me for all of my faults. Most of all. Dont break my heart. I wont be able to take it again. And most of all. I dont want her to go through that either.

If only I could disappear...sometimes I dream of a different life. Of me on my own somewhere out in Cali or Texas or something. Not having to care about anyone or anything other than myself. To do what I want when I want. But no I wouldnt give up my baby girl for the world. That life was not for me. Now I just have to figure out how to live my life the way it is.

*sigh* im just tired of feeling defeated. This should be the happiest time of my life...and it is...most days....then theres just the in between...where I am petrified...of losing it all.