now and maybe someday

Take a walk on what you think is the carpet...
wipe your feet, grind in the dirt.
Broken glass lays shattered in the cracks.
Try to clean but only hurts.

Salt on a fresh cut.
If its not fresh you draw the blade
and make it bleed once again.

Heart breaker...truth betrayer.
Dream slayer.
All that is and ever was
kicked to the pit once again.

Your eyes blinded by your spite,
what you think you see is wrong.
Cold and empty shell is all you ever are.

Promises lay dying,
you turn away when your girl is crying.
But she wont be your girl ever anymore.

You took her deepest fears
and used them as a weapon.
Used your words and turned them into knives.
Promised youd never hurt her.
But it didnt take your fists to put her through a wall.

Still for some reason she lingers.
Hiding in the night while she cries.
Wishing to give her child more than she had
to give her something she always dreamed of
Hoping you'll step up and learn to be a man.

Take a step...
just one more.
Just get moving one foot out the door.
But the seed of doubts been planted.
You're unsure of the life that lies ahead.

Breath in the air...know that truth is out there somewhere
a dream thats not forgotten anymore.
Theres better than this
can you do it on your own?
Is there someone out there waiting to see your smile?

funny

It's funny how things work out sometimes...funny what you think you know and what you think you are doing right...just turns out all wrong...and its all your fault...its your fault people are angry...its your fault people are hurt...its your fault you lose friends....you try and try to stop it from happening...but when the end of the day comes...youre all alone again.

yeah life is funny that way.

something about seeing it...

my dad died when i was 12...i never really knew him even...he left before I was born, I met him for a week when i was 8 (wasnt sure about that even until i found an old old journal of mine last night) after that week I never saw him again. He lived out in kansas my mom and him never married even. We werent even asked if we wanted to go to his funeral...maybe they thought we were too young...or maybe it was a money issue. Theres not even a grave to visit cause he was cremated...Anyways i spent a lot of time growing up thinking maybe hes out there...maybe he just didnt want a family anymore and some day he'll decide he wants us again and come out of hiding.

That was the kind of weak person i was...wanting to believe in fairytales and happy endings. Since I never saw his grave or even death certificate I could never really let go. Even now being 24 and knowing that thought was silly I still have that dream some nights...that hes out there still alive.

After tonight its over...something about seeing it for the first time...even though I knew...is somewhat unbearable. I knew it was true....but I guess there was still that part of me that wanted to hold onto a stupid dream. Not anymore though

while on readers digest site it brought me to a site I could research family on...and I found him listed in the social security death index. I dont know if this gives me the closure I finally needed....or just the end of a silly dream i needed to hold onto.

something about a dream i needed to hold onto....that one small thing to hope for even though i knew it was shit. Kinda kills everything left in me right now

Cause the feeling remains...that tonight I lost him all over again

thoughts of the night...and forever to come

I made a realization tonight...about a few things. Knowing me...you'd see someone who hides too much. I know this...and now I know...I'm done. I may not have the body I dream of....or even the one I used to have...but Im ok with that. I can do my own things to make it better a bit at least. But the reason I am this way...I would never regret it. I am proud of my body. It is mine.

I have spent so many months wasted...living online...hiding in my house not going out for walks even. Upset because I have few friends who live nearby to call on. But I have done nothing to rectify that. It's funny but the past few days have been amazing for me. No my bf is still not even sleeping in the same bed as me....no he hasnt turned romantic all of a sudden. I am happy because of me. My house is clean...all laundry done now. I have been spending more time just relaxing and playing with my daughter. My smile for once that appears to the outside world...is real.

I may not have the perfect life...but it is what I make of it. Let go of the bad things...for with them dragging me down...I couldnt get my head above water before. Im not drowning anymore though. No matter what happens in my life...in my relationship...I am me...I am never alone because of this. There is always someone there....ME. The years will pass by and even shorter than that...the weeks and days to come. But there will always remain now and forever this part of me. So from now on...even when things hit the worst...There will be that part in my head that says... HEY YOU! LISTEN UP HERE! You arent alone...you arent pathetic...you are you. You may not be someone you were always proud of...But you are getting there. You are strong...determined...stubborn...you can make it.

So sitting here tonight being completly exhausted...i am more relaxed than ever...

I may not be 100% happy right now...but I feel 100% free...for the first time in a long time...I can breath. My dreams are my own...my goals are mine to fight for. My life is mine to guide where I want it to go. So...Im stepping up to the plate now....man this is gonna be a great ride.

.................

so can i throw a bitch fit even here....

I hate how i get...so paranoid so lost so lonely...i wish i had someone here to talk to...someone i could see face to face to tell me all my fears are silly. so many friends lost...so many judgements...so many times left out in the cold.

am i so wrong for who or how i am...for how i feel. Scared always...i hate that

if i could live on my own with no one i would be in heaven....not sitting here thinking everyone would leave...everyone would turn away.

donnie darko said it best in that movie "every living thing dies alone" but its more than that....every living thing lives alone too. Because despite how many people you let in...you are always wondering how soon? how long can they accept you? how long until you screw it up or they just decide to leave?

How long until you decide? I wish i could leave....leave myself behind.

What i tell people of me..is only half of what ive done or been through. Im just one messed up screwed up lost stupid idiotic loser. I watch those shows on tv where the girl finds the guy to change her world...and i dream of it...but all the while i fall deeper into the pit.

there is no such thing as a happy ending...there is no such thing as love.

just leave...before i believe in you please...before i see a glimmer of hoep that is just stepped on in the end...i wish sometimes...that i could be what i feel...which is nothing at all

through the cracks

Hurt me; Heal me; Let me breath.
Hold me; show me...wheres the key?
Could you open up my mind for me,
see the things I see?
Explain in simple words...
why this has to be.

Tell me what to do...
cause Im falling hard.
Slipping through the cracks,
lost in thoughts.

Rymes dont explain...
the things i see inside...all these twisted lies.

Running only never
to get caught.

My life flashes by like a slideshow in the mirror.
No titles shown, to explain the show.
Confused...doesnt cut it.
Leaves an empty hole inside.

Running back to my only release.
One more time.
One more scar.
One more chance to heal the wounds.
Something not even I can explain...

understand...hear...see...please...cant you?
Dont! nevermind.
Leave it here to die.
an empty hole inside filled with dirt.
doesnt hurt.

Live just to be broken once again.

Drunk ramblings

I'm an ass...in so many ways..insecurities rule sometimes...can you hear me? No! didnt think so. I am small and insignicant...in so many ways so many times. Can you reach through my insecurities to see me? Didnt think so...No one would want that much baggage. You want to be my friend? Shit can you deal with me and the bullshit that I include. What is this for? What am I for? I do my fucking best for her...but is it enough will it ever be enough. Are you really there? Or just waiting to screw me over? What are you doing now...what will you do...Why?

Can I turn back to my old friend...and let the tears fall again....i want to...more than anything i so desperatly want to...just to feel something...to see something real...

i am pitiful...i am lonely...i am having a pity party right now.

You will judge me for this...You will say omg look at that dumb bimbo. Yet you will never understand. You will never see the way my head works...you will never see my fears...the cause of tears...You will never see me.


Whatever though...just let it go

so why is it...

that every time things start to go wrong...i think the worst of it? I do this with friends sometimes...with thinking they really dont like me or talk about me behind my back...or whatever...

and i do this in relationships...when it seems the guy im with is not happy...i imagine the worst...

maybe cause it always seems to happen...Ive been bailed on 3 times already when it got rough. It makes it hard to trust...especially when youve been bailed on before and gave it another shot...whats to keep him from bailing again.

so where to draw the line? Do i let myself become cold and numb...thinking this is as good as it gets...or do i keep fighting for it...over and over again never getting past this fear that is like a parasite to my heart and soul. That drags me down to the pit...and stomps me till i feel like i cant breath...like i'll never be whole again.

Trust...

Something so easily lost...but so hard to gain. It is the single most important thing in people that determines their lives. How they face the world...how they face themselves. And when you do something you know will make you lose someones trust...even if they don't know about it...you lose you're own ability to put trust in people. Because it leads you to think. Well if I got away with it they can too...or they can get away with anything. So what to do. When this happens. When you've made a mistake that can maybe cost you everything you ever dreamed about. Something that has cost you before...no matter if you did it or they did....but how to gain back trust from and in that person.

Its a hard road. One I hate to travel. I dont trust easily....and even when I think I do trust it is always so shaky. I find it hard to believe...anything good sometimes.

So what do you put your trust in.

Love? I don't know as of now. Love is so frail nowadays. No one seems to want to work through anything. You just reach a hard point and throw in the towel. Maybe one person still fights...but the other has given up completely and is just waiting for an out. And when the only person left fighting has become so lost and so tired of it all...is somewhat losing themselves...they have no choice but to concede...Then you realize later what you had.... but cant get it back once its gone.

Friends? Maybe some...but how to tell which to trust and which not too...then comes the overwhelming problem of always being screwed over throughout life...and it makes it hard to trust...not to mention hard to let people in so you don't even let them close enough to see the real you and they pass judgment on one action...your own fault really...cause you gave them a picture of you that wasn't true...so they didn't understand your choices...as much as you never meant to hurt anyone....always you sit there wishing they could see you for who you really are...read between the lines. Though there are few and far between that have my full trust...in every way. That know who I am...have heard my deepest thoughts...and darkest secrets...ones i consider family.

Family? Desperately try to...but how do you do that when you weren't even wanted by one...some gave up on you and walked away when you most needed them...and still others...well they want you to be perfect...and when you aren't...you just don''t really belong. But they are always there when the sun shines...and no matter how much you aren't sure...you love them besides it all.

Material things? NEVER! they can be lost easier than the air you breath.

Hope? Hope is what i trust...cause its all i have sometimes...hope that the hand of fate can not always be cruel. That things will work out in the end. That even through the storms...I will survive to dance in the rain another day...

ignore me please

I want more than this...more than meets the eye.
I want you to hold me when i even cry.

I want the sun to shine on days the tears fall down like rain.
And when im standing in the crowd let me in.

I want you to come to bed and hold me through the night.
I want you to tell me its ok,
tell me my life is worth while.

Tell me all my past mistakes dont make you sick.
Tell me you love who I am...
no matter what.

Tell me...
Show me...
Help me...
grow.

Can you hear my anger...
Can you stop the pain.
All this pain..pouring down like rain.

Can you change my mind.
Bring me back in time.
Show me all my doubts...
are worth fighting now.

Show me love.
Show me passion.
Show me lifes not just one way.

Please wont you hear my cry...
before i die inside.

Please forgive me.
For i know not what i do...
Please look past this.
The anger i include.

Save me now...
Show me how to live.
Show me love is true.
Show me how to forgive all i have done.

Ignore this cry...
ignore the foolishness inside please wont you.

Ignore all that i am...
all that i do.

please wont you.

this is me...at least tonight...warning you probably dont want to read this...drunk thoughts some not true...most true...i cant help what i think now

You want to know me? Who i am...

I am broken...lost...confused. I always have been. I am the girl who has spent most of her life weak and crying. Since I was young, feeling as though i wasnt good enough and not doing a damn thing to change it. I am the girl who always dreams of fairytales...but never sees them come true. I am the girl who has felt like i was nothing because even her dad didnt want her...didnt think i was enough to live for...i am the girl who has stolen from her family...lied and cheated before to get what i wanted cause i didnt think the truth or good was a way to get what i wanted...or what would make me happy.

I am the girl who has been raped...literaly and figurativly...I have had my innocence stolen and made excuses for the thief. I have hated...always hated who i was...who i am. I have the scars to prove it. Could you love even the scars...could you acceopt and look past them?

I am the one who always messes up...always feels as though im wrong. I am the one who dreams of love...pure and true...but knows deep down no one could love this.


I have crossed the lines...done things i regret...done things to make me hate myself even knowing how i would feel that way, cause i didnt care.

I have lied to those i loved...cause i didnt care...cause i couldnt admit it.

I am lost...alone....hurt...broken...ashamed most of all. I can find nothing good in myself...though i find one good thing ive done. My daughter....

But she scares me even...it scares me that i will fail her...That i will be a bad influence on her...that i will lie to her and hurt her as i have done through out my life. That always above all i am not good enough.

that i will never find anyone that will be the man i dream of...accepting of all of me....every thing i have done...someone who can see potential and love me above all of it...someone who will love my daughter too as i will...someone who even though they are not her birth father...will love her as a dad does...

but i am me...broken, scared, hurt, a mess....i am a failure...in every way. I am lost....no one would want that...

I know guys...i know they want confidence in a woman...they want someone who fights for things...and as i fight...i lose myself...i am weak...ignore me please

tonight i am drunk.

but on the other side...still after all i believe in love...i dream of things i cant imagine...i wish for things and try even now knowing they might not come true...i am solid in what i feel good or bad...i will try for us in a way that most people think are stupid cause it gives me hope...i will put anyone before myself...it would make my year to make another smile for a lifetime....am i so bad afterall? i dream of love...of happiness...of acceptance...i dream of being all that i am not...most of all...i dream of accepting who i am...and making it something worthwhile

I am here for my friends...they matter more than anything...well second place to my daughter...but all of them come before...

and still i dream...always dream

I hate you

That you could ever fucking be mad at me for this...That you could ever be mad that Im upset at the fucking thought of you fucking questioning whos kid she was. Cause I have fought and shed so many fucking tears for you...I have fought for us...and you are sitting here pissed thinking the fucking outcome of it all makes your doubts ok.

You sit here and say that You didnt ask for a dna test at the end...cause of how i felt...BUT YET IT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER. that you questioned whos she was. FUCK YOU!!! were we ever shit in your mind. Do my feelings ever mean shit to you. Apparently not...you sit there feeling like you are the only one who should be mad right now...You have all the fucking rights right now...well guess what asshole... YOU DONT DESERVE ME! YOU DONT DESERVE MY FUCKING DEVOTION! It killed me each and every fucking time you doubted who got me fucking pregnant....like i was the one who fucking walked away...not to mention the fact that i dropped my whole fucking life of partying to make you happy...but what the fuck have you ever done for me to make me happy? You couldnt even tell one stupid ass girl to quit calling to make me feel better...you said it was enough that you just didnt pick up...but wtf...it was ok for you to ask me that of someone i NEVER FUCKING LEFT YOU FOR...unlike you who left me for her.

WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR? why am i still fucking here...why does part of me still fucking care about you about what the fuck you think....

WHY CANT I FUCKING WALK AWAY!!!

Silent Thoughts

I sit here tonight as I have done for many nights in a row now…silence…left alone with my thoughts.

How much can a person take? I do not understand my own reasoning sometimes. I have delt with a lot in my opinion…but is it too much? Who can say other than me…but the problem is…I do not know. No matter how many times I roll this thought over in my head, I cannot figure out the answer. I want so much more in life…in love. But I do love him. So where to go from here. Is it too much to want him to hold me when i cry. To dry my tears no matter if he thinks Im being silly. Is it too much to want him to come to bed and hold me at night. Is it too much to wish he would show enthusim at doing something with me..even something as little as watching a movie together…but it always remains with the response maybe…maybe we will…maybe that sounds good.

So many things unsaid, that I need to hear. He talks of in the future of marrying me..of maybe next year buying the ring. My heart leaps at that…but then sinks down low…cause I think at those moments am I giving up on more. I dont think he can give me more. I have a quote “just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them too, Doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have”

So what happens when you still want more. I have always been stubborn, thinking it can work…stubborn I dont want to give up on him. But is it more I dont want to give up on myself? That if I leave him I fail me.

I have been thinking about the other guys I talk to on a daily basis…the way they react to things..and posts. Yeah maybe this would be a bad comparision because I dont know them in person and internet can change who you truly are…but some of them…make me think about things differently..make me want more.

Can I ever get a hold on my thoughts…someday soon I hope so.

Silence

I sit here tonight as I have done for many nights in a row now...silence...left alone with my thoughts.

How much can a person take? I do not understand my own reasoning sometimes. I have delt with a lot in my opinion...but is it too much? Who can say other than me...but the problem is...I do not know. No matter how many times I roll this thought over in my head, I cannot figure out the answer. I want so much more in life...in love. But I do love him. So where to go from here. Is it too much to want him to hold me when i cry. To dry my tears no matter if he thinks Im being silly. Is it too much to want him to come to bed and hold me at night. Is it too much to wish he would show enthusim at doing something with me..even something as little as watching a movie together...but it always remains with the response maybe...maybe we will...maybe that sounds good.

So many things unsaid, that I need to hear. He talks of in the future of marrying me..of maybe next year buying the ring. My heart leaps at that...but then sinks down low...cause I think at those moments am I giving up on more. I dont think he can give me more. I have a quote "just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them too, Doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have"

So what happens when you still want more. I have always been stubborn, thinking it can work...stubborn I dont want to give up on him. But is it more I dont want to give up on myself? That if I leave him I fail me.

I have been thinking about the other guys I talk to on a daily basis...the way they react to things..and posts. Yeah maybe this would be a bad comparision because I dont know them in person and internet can change who you truly are...but some of them...make me think about things differently..make me want more.

Can I ever get a hold on my thoughts...someday soon I hope so.

Emotions

Overwhelming anger...drives my mind.
One breath...dont slip...not this time.

All the thoughts Im having,
I wish were not my own.
Now sitting down thinking,
I want to be alone.

In my misery is where you'll find me....hating what they did.
Every step of every thought...anger bursting through the lid.

The one who was supposed to be there understanding at his best.
When it came down to the end...he failed half the test.

The one who was my hero growing through the ages...
How dare she try to ruin all that I have gained.
Embarrased me in front of them...I tried to make a stand.
But my anger overcame me...thats just who I am.

I can not understand it, why things have gone so wrong.
In my mind echos that one sad song.
Trying to grasp my memories of the man who lay there dead
But all the anger all the pain twists confused in my head.


He didnt understand...said I had picked the fight.
Why that day...why that night?
Did he understand my heart cant take it now.
I stood alone back behind the crowd.
Trying to grasp what they had. A love pure and true.
But hes to fucking stubborn...a fight i may just lose.

She hates him with a passion. That makes me sick inside.
Holds my past against me..biding for the time.
To throw mistakes back in my face, in front of all the rest.
The test of friendship now fading, maybe for the best.

RESPECT!
Its all I want.
Respect is all I ask.
I have... goddamn Ive earned it.
They both give but take it back.

My heart is torn in pieces now.
The tears I cry out loud.
Anger mixed with pain.
Nothing here to gain.

To disappear to take a moment.
Only for myself.
Step back from them and look at me.
Try so hard and yet cant see.

What my needs are...
What I want...
Where Im going...
What to do.

Fucking hell Im losing it

Good-bye

It was so hard today….seeing him lying there. When I first got to my aunts house I could swear for the first 10 minutes I could see his chest rising and falling. But leaning over to touch his hand. It was already growing cold. It seems surreal. Not possible…that the man who brought so much hope…so much happiness…so much laughter to our lives is now gone from it.

I know he is in a better place now…he is without pain. But I am selfish. That doesnt make it any easier on me. I sat there crying…not able to stop the tears for at least a half hour…then all of a sudden…nothing…no tears no anger…no pain no happiness…no relief.

Just a cold hollow feeling… I havent felt this alone since my dad died. I know I need to let it out…before I explode. But i just cant. Never have been able to never will I think. I sit here in silent agony…not able to even force the tears to come. I hide admidst the pain…desperatly hoping it will go away. Desperatly hoping I wont have to feel it…feel anything.

I now keep dreaming of the possibilities…the possibility of one more day with him. One more story…one more laugh…one more elusive kiss. Just one more time please.

One more time to see my hero…to see the man I admire and have always aspired to make proud of me. But that day can never happen…

and so I sit here…alone in the empty silence of my head…searching for a way out…searching for the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind…searching for the tears that wont fall completly.

Time…it will take time…but time is hard to deal with…when it comes to pain.

I sit here now thinking of my daughter…and hoping my memories will be enough to tell her of her great grandpa…tell her of the great man he was…and how he helped mold my life…I cry when i think of the fact that she will never remember him in person…that he will not be here to see her grow…that he will miss out on so much of my life…

so many things…so many thoughts…so much sorrow now.

I pray for that sunshine to hit again…to smile and feel it right to my bones…but it will take time…time

tic tock…tic tock….now to watch the ticking of the clock…and wait

breath…just breath

So hard sometimes

I can remember when i was little…every family holiday sitting around my grandfathers feet…all of us…listening to his stories. Stories of war…and stories of his youth. My grandpa…with the big ole’ pot belly. Always had cookies ready for us…he used to tease us too. He’d point to a place on his cheek where he wanted a kiss…then pull away last second to make us miss the spot he pointed to…then he’d shake his fist at us and say im gonna punch ya in da nose if you dont get it this time…and the game would be repeated numerous times till we finally grabbed hold of his face and planted that big smacker dead on. Memories of him cooking us all breakfast when we went down to visit him and grandma. Of him teasing us and telling us that if we dug a hole deep enough we could go to china…then letting us dig that hole right in the middle of his backyard…Of the world of reading he shared with us those nights just sitting quietly beside him reading our seperate books… He introduced me to my love of westerns…of John wayne and Clint Eastwood. Of the louie L’moure books. So many memories…so much happiness…nothing could hold him back. He was proud and strong. Maybe not always in health but in spirit.

Seeing him now…laying in bed..so thin and so weak…it crushes me…feels like someone punched me dead in the stomach with a pitchfork. I look at him and my heart and soul are in anguish. Today I couldnt stop the tears…I held onto his hand said I love you…and the once lovingly gruff voice could not even answer back. I know he has had a full life…he has a loving family…but I want my grandpa back. I am selfish…God you cant have him! But I cant bear to see him in pain anymore. He is slipping away and there is nothing I can do to turn back time to have just a bit longer with him…1 more story…one more day of him being able to sit up without pain.

I have to force myself to walk into his room…to see him to make sure I dont regret not saying goodbye…Its so hard though. To see him suffering like this…bedridden with the worst bedsores….Not being able to speak half the time…not being able to open his eyes to see who is in the room with him…not knowing our voices unless we tell him who we are a million times.

He woke up a bit today…briefly…wiggled his finger at Kylie…and she grabbed on tight. Im sure it brought him a sense of happiness. I unfortunatly did not see it happen. I had to leave the room before I burst into sobs there. My mom is the one who told me what had gone on.

Everyone stands in his room so calmly. Like they have accepted it already. They seem to be counting down the days till hes at peace. I can not be so calm. Feeling a huge part of my life ripped apart.

My grandpa told me once…right after I had fought with my mom…cause I was grumpy…he looked at me and said… “You tell your mom…You tell her it doesnt matter what she says…my grandpa loves me…even when Im grumpy” …My grandpa loves me…

It hurts…everything hurts…I wonder how long till its over. My grandmother is having the worst time…theyve been together over 60 years…for 60 years they have faced every battle life threw at them. She sat there tonight and grabbed hold of his hand during one slightly lucid moment…and he barely got the words out “Id know that hand anywhere” and smiled so peacefully… They had true love….I want a love like that.

I dont even know how much longer my grandmother will last after he passes. They have been together so long that their spirits are joined. Will I lose her too? She is starting to suffer from alzhimers…can barely remember things sometimes…but yet when he calls for her she runs. Sits by his side so many hours…Such a sadness surrounds her now.

Death…its not fair…needed I know…but unfair…How can death so cruely ravage such a great man. For it is death that is ravaging him now…it is trying to claim him. But no, not yet…he still fights…still hangs on…to every last moment.

My grandfather is the greatest man I have ever known. He fought bravely for his country many times. He survived. He has gone through hardships I can only imagine (the depression…loss…a hard childhood that we would not even consider a childhood now)..and he survived. This is one battle that ultimately he will lose.

But will it be lost? Id like to think not. I want to believe that he will go to a better place. He will be young again and free from his pain. Will know happiness. Id like to think we will meet again someday.

I am scared…and tired…hurting. A part of me will die when he does…a very large part. But he will live on in memories. I will tell my daugther of her great grandpa…try to remember his stories tho i can never match his storytelling. Her and Bo are my strength now. Bo is my main source of strength…but it does so much to lighten this burden in my heart whenever I hear her laughter…see her smile.

As much as Bo is my strength though…there are no words of comfort he can give at this time. Nothing no matter what can take away the pain I feel. Nothing can make it better. The world will be a little colder when this great man passes. One who has touched so many lives..not just his family. I only wish Kylie was old enough so she would remember her great grandpa.

I will never forget him…and I will try to have the strength to spend whatever time I have left with him…Its just hard to see him so frail…I dont want to remember him that way

God, if you are truly out there as i try to always believe… Take care of my grandpa…He is a great man. I love him so much

Haunting Past

So for some reason I started thinking tonight about my past mostly…Its a jumble of thoughts and I dont quiet know where to start…So I’ll start as close to the begining as possible.

School growing up for me was horrid…I was never popular…for my beliefs or my looks…the best way people knew how to make fun of me was to say…if your own dad didnt want you or want to be around you…why would you think anyone else wanted to.

That hit me hard cause he was never there for me…wanted my mom to abort me…he would have been there for my sisters if she had…and then he hung himself…when I was 12…and there was never anyone to ask questions about him…or about what happened…they all wanted to just let it go and never speak/think of it again….so I lived in silent agony…for a father who never cared…for the father I always wanted…I told myself for the longest time…hes not really dead…he just didnt want us to contact him…maybe someday he’ll change his mind and want me again…I never even was given the option to go to his funeral…I dreamed he was alive…sometimes I still do.

My first bf…was paid to go out with me by a guy at school who then wanted his money back for it…said if I kept paying him the bf would stay.

My first experience with sex…or sex related things…was with my oldest sisters ex bf. I had a crush on him for a few years thought he was my friend…so we used to go rollerblading sometimes…we ended up at his house one night for some water and I wound up being pinned down to the couch with his dick in my face…him saying im not letting you up till you suck it..even though i was crying he still wouldnt let me up…then after i finally did it…i also wasnt given a choice for sex.

First time I cut…my bf (the first guy I ever trusted after that whole deal with my sisters ex)…we were together for a week short of 2 years….he just up and told me one day it was over…no explanation no reason…so I did the one thing I thought would get a response…I almost cut through the vein on my wrist (while driving) it didnt stop bleeding for about an hour…he said good mayeb they’ll put you in a psych ward where you belong…and the cutting kept up since he decided to string me along after that…telling me it was my fault we broke up for about 2 weeks straight…then finally admitting he had a girl at a bar give him a blowjob…he thought for that day he was in love with her.

The next guy I met was the worst out of them…with him I drank everyday…cause I needed the acceptance from him…that was the only way I could get it…then I started the drugs…first just weed… then we couldnt find that so it went to coke…then crack. Where everyday I would get out of work by 4pm and smoke a blunt on the drive home…then immediatly hit the packy store and drink till I passed out barely waking up for work most of the time.

That finally started ending with him after him starting a fight with me cause I called his mom after he took some pills…he was flipping out and scaring me and he got mad at me for cutting off his drug supply so he called me a cunt, whore, bitch and slut… I got arrested for disturbance cause he claimed i started the fight….though i was the one with the bruises. It finally ended when on my 20th birthday he beat the shit out of me for one of my friends pouring a beer over some girls head (sopme girl he wanted to screw)…it was my fault somehow… That night cause of him beating on my stomach I also found out I had been pregnant…he beat the baby out of me…I was in the hospital for 2 days afterwards.

then I found new “friends” who were big into smoking crack….I went over there about every other day…especially when i got paid…I feel now as though I sold my soul for it….I dont even want to think about the things I did when I wanted it…I sold all my stuff…I spent every dime I had…I made “friends” with the worst sorts…as I said I sold my soul.

There was one day that finally got me started on the clean path…someone who I smoked with asked me for a ride to his boys house to drop off a dvd…when we got there he went into the kids car to leave it…only afterwards did i find out that he had stolen about 3 grand worth of crack…I had dealers following me around for about 4 hours threatened me…my family…even though i didnt know what had been going on…I had just been the ride… I finally shook them and made it home…swearing I wouldnt go near the stuff again cause my nephew lived in my house too…I wouldnt risk them for drugs.

But it didnt quiet end there…I was still cutting…still drinking…still doing drugs…thank god no one offered me anything worse…or Id probably be dead now.

I wish sometimes I could go back and change all of it…but that would mean I wouldnt be here…with bo…with our daughter. But it kills me sometimes…when I take that first drag of a cig….and it very rarely…but sometimes reminds me of that oh so tempting taste of crack…that giddy devil may care feeling… It kills me when i reach a breaking point and I dream of the blade slicing through the arm…anything to take the focus off the mental pain and anguish…It kills me when i want to drink till I forget who i am or what i am doing….It kills me cause I know that was the worst of me…of my life…that is when i was living death.

But it makes me stronger…evrytime I feel that…and I say NO! I am stronger than this…I do not want that…I will not succumb to those temptations of my past…

Yet still it haunts me….and every day….I long to forget…

to forget…the little girl hiding in a corner crying with no friends…crying for the daddy she never had…the daddy she always wanted…even needed…for the 17 year old girl who was innocent to everything…and had that innocence stolen by a 23 year old “friend”…to the girl who has always been there…desperatly crying out for love…for the proof…that in this world she does matter…for all that I have lost…all that I have given up on…for all that I have betrayed.

If only…if only I could forgive myself…

maybe someday I can

Parasites

Someone referred to children as parasites today….saying they’d rather have a career than feed parasite people… Made it sound as though you can have only one or the other and that if you have children you can not be independant.

Her referal to children as parasites made me so angry…considering the defination of parasites is an animal or thing that feeds off a host without benifiting it. That is so not a true definition of children. Especially not my child.

Before I had my daughter I was floundering for a purpose in life…sure I had work I had friends and a family and a great bf… but still I felt lost. I was lost in my past much of that time…wondering what my future held.

I was depressed…and feeling hopeless… thinking I couldnt do anything right. And then came the day I found out I was pregnant. I felt the earth fall out from under me that day. Oh my god…what am I going to do? Will I be a good mom? Will he want the baby? Will I be able to do this on my own if he doesnt? So many questions rushed through my head that day. And for many days afterwards. I realized she was growing inside me more and more each day. And each day I thought…am I making a mistake…but I cant go back. Then came the first day I felt her move…the only way I can describe it is that it felt like little bubbles coming to the surface and then popping on the top of my stomach. I remember the wonder I felt that day…and each day after it whenever I felt that life inside me…that miracle. Every day I had a bad day…Id come home and just want the world to disappear…then she’d kick and brought the world back to me. She made it all feel wonderful and ok from the first day.

Now…yeah it gets hard…I get tired…There is so much to do everyday and no sleep to keep up on it. I get grumpy sometimes…I miss work…and then I stop and think…………….

Every smile I cause to come to her face…everyday the laughter comes a little easier to her…everytime she grabs my fingers…brings this overwhelming joy to my life. She keeps me from losing all hope. When I think about stupid things from my past…I look at her and I cant dwell on it any longer.

I held her tonight feeding her right before she fell asleep…with her newest eagerness to explore she kept grabbing my face…my nose my mouth even my eyes…and I sat there and drank it all in. Its like nothing in the world could disrupt my world at that moment. Nothing could bring me down. She brings discovery…happiness…fulfillment to my life everyday…and most of all…she brings love…and trust.

Parasite? I think not! She is the greatest gift I could ever have…she makes me…my bf…my family…my life, complete.

There is time enough in my future to work on a career…for now…I have the best and most fulfilling job in the world. I am a mom… and DAMN proud of it.

I wish

with all that is going on between bo and me right now…with all that is stressed between us…God how I wish I could turn back time to save him from this heartach…I wish I could turn back time and heal the wounds between him and his dad…I had the chance too…I got his dad’s number from his sister…I was planning on calling him and trying to get him to make the effort to call Bo…but I just never got around to it…

honestly that is one of the things killing me right now…I wish I had tried that sooner…before the chance was lost. Yeah I know it wasnt my fault…but i had a chance to do something…or rather to try something to at least make a difference….and now it is too late.

So I sit here…helpless….wishing I could heal the pain in Bo’s heart right now…wishing I could turn back time…and give them one more day together…one more day to make things right…to say I love you…to say goodbye.

death is so hard to handle…but it kills me that there is nothing I can do or say to make him feel better…to make him stop hurting…

I love him so much…even with the bad times….I love him…I dont want to see him hurt…I would rather die myself than to see him hurt anymore…he cries on the inside…doesnt show the pain…and I cry on the outside…cause I wish I could take it all away

Save me

so his dad just passed away…this is the time when i should be most supportive…but I just cant seem to stop exploding at him…when he says he’ll take her for an hour before he goes to work…then asks me to go to the store to get him beer…when i get back he says oh im sorry i dont have time to take her anymore….so i explode.

when i just want to spend time with him and he goes off to get stuff from his sister…I cant go cause he doesnt want to risk being caught in the snow with the baby…so i explode

Things are eating away at me…and I dont want to give up on us…but i know that i am pushing him further and further away…everything that happens now just makes this all seem hopeless.

Bottleing up the fact that he didnt even get me anything for valentines day cause he was worried about money…i can understand that fine…but yet he had enough money to get beer…sure he bought 2 bottles of champagne…but I DONT WANT ALCOHOL!!!…all I wanted was something that says…hey i know its rough for us…But I love you.. shit a card something…

I cant stop expolding about everything…even the smallest things set me off…Im so beyond stressed…I cant even relax at all…cant drink till I relax…cause I just wind up hungover and getting stressed the next day cause i can never sleep in anymore even when hes home.

I sat there the other night holding a blade…stressed to the point I almost broke apart…and then I forced myself out there to look at my daughter…my reason to keep going…and thank god I couldnt do anything.

But that scares me…almost…almost…its just to damn close for me…I wish I could smoke…weed is not as bad as other things i could do…I need something to relax…I cant take this anymore…

helpless…hopeless…hurt…angry…scared…frustrated…

lost.

please God, save me…before i lose my mind

I hate valentines day

This has usually always been a day I dread…it usually doesnt work out the way I hope it would…and so is not this year either….tho I think it has been destroyed fo r me completly unless something major changes later today.

When Bo got home tonight…I was in the process of making him one of his presents…a whole bunch of sex ideas written on paper placed in a box…where he could pick one out whenever ( i thought he’d like a kind of game out of it since some of the stuff was also stuff I wasnt normally comfortable with but I would do for him)…So when I tried to give it to him…he said not tonight…even after seeing how I was excited about it…he said…no please…just do it tomorrow…I dont feel like it tonight (meaning he doesnt feel like getting my present to him)…ok so that was the first downer…

We drink a few beers together…he drinks much more than I…so by the end of the night…he grabs me by the hand…and leads me out to the computer…mind you I HATE internet porn…im just really uncomfortable with it and he knows this but the other night i gave it a try watching with him…and wound up telling him if he watched it with me I would be ok with it every once in awhile…so yeah he leads me out to the computer after just doing it 2 nights earlier…so I wasnt ready for another dose yet…plus c’mon…I mean its coming up on valentines day…isnt that to focus on your partner if/when you have one…its about the love you share with them…so I asked him do we have to do this tonight…and his response was…well I thought since its almost v day (meaning he wanted to get it on)…then after that he stumbled…oh wait Im sorry…I didnt mean that (about the internet) …yeah I know he was drunk so he didnt realize he basically told me well I thought since it was almost v day we could look at other girls… Does he have any idea how much my heart fell after that…how hollow I felt…and how desperatly I fought back tears…it felt as though he was saying…Its v day…and I want to look at hot girls with you…cause you just arent enough…Valentines day is supposed to be special…supposed to share that time with your S.O. making them feel/know they mean the world to you….so why do I feel like shit now.

And yet…what was my response after my initial reaction…oh its ok babe…no biggie…we can look if you want…

cause I would have done anything he wanted…I would always do anything for him.

This is becoming my downfall…I am loosing selfesteem…I am losing myself…for him

For my love for him…

Thinking if I just hang on…just a little bit more…he will show me how special I am to him…that he will show me how much I mean to him…

but I am holding my breath too long…and someday soon…I fear it will all fall apart…I will look at myself in the mirror…and hate who I have become…clinging only to the one thing I have not screwed up so far….my daughter.

But my heart aches….it was like tonight was the last arrow it could take…I cant even bear to sleep beside him…I dont think I will be giving him that one gift tomorrow…I also have a card and a movie for him…I shall give him those…

and distance myself for awhile…I can not bear the pain…the disappointment…the hollowness anymore…as much as I love him…I can not take myself anymore

Near The End

I sat there with a blade tonight, almost not caring what was right.
The pain builds, the fears kills, emptiness left inside.
Need you, want more…more than what you give.
The love I have for you fighting the anger…which will live through the war?
I take more than I can take…pushing you away.
Trying to keep you closer than you are.
Heed this cry…befor we die…Our chance is almost gone.
Every step the wrong way….everything done wrong.
Saddness overwhelming…empty in the soul.
Only one light left to guide my way.
One reason to keep going.
One reason left to live.
I’ve given to you all I had to give.
I deserve more than this.
To know love’s a precious gift.
I should feel special in every single way.
Not a burden, not a pain.
There is happiness to gain.
Will you take the chance or just walk away.
Time is running out…whichever way you choose to go…
Choose it fast.

Crappy feeling

I realized today…or maybe last night…that i am slightly jealous of my own daughter…I dont hold it against her…its not that kind of jealousy…is it even jealousy though…maybe it could more be described as envy…those words are so easy for him to say to her…he says it on a daily basis…but still i never hear them…I never hear him say …I love you

It’s a sad feeling whatever word you use to describe it…and it makes me wonder sometimes…why is it so hard for you to say…If you did….so I get the feeling …that you really dont.

My heart hurts…this gaping hole is getting bigger the more and more I think about things…the more I realize things are not how I wish they could be… No matter how many happy days we have now…they never truly feel happy to me…cause I know not too far away…these feelings will creep back up on me…

I dont feel like you love me for me… I think you love me only for her sake

Too much...too many

There are just way too many thoughts running through my mind today…about you …about me…about us… I wish I could make sense of them all…even more so I wish I could put them all out of my head…

tired of bouncing back and forth of happy and scared…it only takes a split second to change now…am I pushing you away more and more? I know I do a lot of it on purpose…but I cant seem to stop myself. Please just shake me…as hard as you can…yell at me to stop… tell me no matter what I do you wont leave so stop pushing…

Do you feel like that though? You told me once that when the bad gets to be more than the good…we just keep fighting on for us…do you still think that way…or have I pushed you to the edge already?

Never Alone

You cried last night when I put you to bed….just as you do every night when i put you in there before you are fast asleep. I listened for a few minutes feeling so rotten for leaving you there screaming….then feeling more rotten as I pulled you out when I could no longer just sit there hearing it. Feeling rotten for pulling you out cause I know that I must get you used to falling asleep by yourself and on time…

It wasnt because I hated hearing the cry that I went to get you…I can stand the crying no problem…but it was out of desperation… My desperate need to let you know that I am here…That I will always be here and that you are not alone. I know you are too young to make thoughts like that…just from one night of having to cry yourself to sleep. Maybe it is based off my own feelings though. That there are so many times when I feel so alone…so many nights I have cried myself to sleep and I know how awful it feels.

Does it feel the same with you? Or do you not even remember it in the morning?

Am I doing it right with you? What if I screw up? Why cant I just do what I think is best without second guessing myself all the time?

I am sitting here now typing away as you take a nap…and my ears perk up to every sound…are you awake? … are you having a bad dream…do you need me? …

And whether it is good for you or not…I will come the second you call…I will always come.

No this does not mean you will get your way with everything or even most things when you grow older…but it means that you will never have to feel as though you have no one to turn to…I want you to know…perhaps need you to know even now…that I will come whenever you call…

You are starting to whimper now….so my angle…I am coming…