Haunting Past

So for some reason I started thinking tonight about my past mostly…Its a jumble of thoughts and I dont quiet know where to start…So I’ll start as close to the begining as possible.

School growing up for me was horrid…I was never popular…for my beliefs or my looks…the best way people knew how to make fun of me was to say…if your own dad didnt want you or want to be around you…why would you think anyone else wanted to.

That hit me hard cause he was never there for me…wanted my mom to abort me…he would have been there for my sisters if she had…and then he hung himself…when I was 12…and there was never anyone to ask questions about him…or about what happened…they all wanted to just let it go and never speak/think of it again….so I lived in silent agony…for a father who never cared…for the father I always wanted…I told myself for the longest time…hes not really dead…he just didnt want us to contact him…maybe someday he’ll change his mind and want me again…I never even was given the option to go to his funeral…I dreamed he was alive…sometimes I still do.

My first bf…was paid to go out with me by a guy at school who then wanted his money back for it…said if I kept paying him the bf would stay.

My first experience with sex…or sex related things…was with my oldest sisters ex bf. I had a crush on him for a few years thought he was my friend…so we used to go rollerblading sometimes…we ended up at his house one night for some water and I wound up being pinned down to the couch with his dick in my face…him saying im not letting you up till you suck it..even though i was crying he still wouldnt let me up…then after i finally did it…i also wasnt given a choice for sex.

First time I cut…my bf (the first guy I ever trusted after that whole deal with my sisters ex)…we were together for a week short of 2 years….he just up and told me one day it was over…no explanation no reason…so I did the one thing I thought would get a response…I almost cut through the vein on my wrist (while driving) it didnt stop bleeding for about an hour…he said good mayeb they’ll put you in a psych ward where you belong…and the cutting kept up since he decided to string me along after that…telling me it was my fault we broke up for about 2 weeks straight…then finally admitting he had a girl at a bar give him a blowjob…he thought for that day he was in love with her.

The next guy I met was the worst out of them…with him I drank everyday…cause I needed the acceptance from him…that was the only way I could get it…then I started the drugs…first just weed… then we couldnt find that so it went to coke…then crack. Where everyday I would get out of work by 4pm and smoke a blunt on the drive home…then immediatly hit the packy store and drink till I passed out barely waking up for work most of the time.

That finally started ending with him after him starting a fight with me cause I called his mom after he took some pills…he was flipping out and scaring me and he got mad at me for cutting off his drug supply so he called me a cunt, whore, bitch and slut… I got arrested for disturbance cause he claimed i started the fight….though i was the one with the bruises. It finally ended when on my 20th birthday he beat the shit out of me for one of my friends pouring a beer over some girls head (sopme girl he wanted to screw)…it was my fault somehow… That night cause of him beating on my stomach I also found out I had been pregnant…he beat the baby out of me…I was in the hospital for 2 days afterwards.

then I found new “friends” who were big into smoking crack….I went over there about every other day…especially when i got paid…I feel now as though I sold my soul for it….I dont even want to think about the things I did when I wanted it…I sold all my stuff…I spent every dime I had…I made “friends” with the worst sorts…as I said I sold my soul.

There was one day that finally got me started on the clean path…someone who I smoked with asked me for a ride to his boys house to drop off a dvd…when we got there he went into the kids car to leave it…only afterwards did i find out that he had stolen about 3 grand worth of crack…I had dealers following me around for about 4 hours threatened me…my family…even though i didnt know what had been going on…I had just been the ride… I finally shook them and made it home…swearing I wouldnt go near the stuff again cause my nephew lived in my house too…I wouldnt risk them for drugs.

But it didnt quiet end there…I was still cutting…still drinking…still doing drugs…thank god no one offered me anything worse…or Id probably be dead now.

I wish sometimes I could go back and change all of it…but that would mean I wouldnt be here…with bo…with our daughter. But it kills me sometimes…when I take that first drag of a cig….and it very rarely…but sometimes reminds me of that oh so tempting taste of crack…that giddy devil may care feeling… It kills me when i reach a breaking point and I dream of the blade slicing through the arm…anything to take the focus off the mental pain and anguish…It kills me when i want to drink till I forget who i am or what i am doing….It kills me cause I know that was the worst of me…of my life…that is when i was living death.

But it makes me stronger…evrytime I feel that…and I say NO! I am stronger than this…I do not want that…I will not succumb to those temptations of my past…

Yet still it haunts me….and every day….I long to forget…

to forget…the little girl hiding in a corner crying with no friends…crying for the daddy she never had…the daddy she always wanted…even needed…for the 17 year old girl who was innocent to everything…and had that innocence stolen by a 23 year old “friend”…to the girl who has always been there…desperatly crying out for love…for the proof…that in this world she does matter…for all that I have lost…all that I have given up on…for all that I have betrayed.

If only…if only I could forgive myself…

maybe someday I can