Good-bye

It was so hard today….seeing him lying there. When I first got to my aunts house I could swear for the first 10 minutes I could see his chest rising and falling. But leaning over to touch his hand. It was already growing cold. It seems surreal. Not possible…that the man who brought so much hope…so much happiness…so much laughter to our lives is now gone from it.

I know he is in a better place now…he is without pain. But I am selfish. That doesnt make it any easier on me. I sat there crying…not able to stop the tears for at least a half hour…then all of a sudden…nothing…no tears no anger…no pain no happiness…no relief.

Just a cold hollow feeling… I havent felt this alone since my dad died. I know I need to let it out…before I explode. But i just cant. Never have been able to never will I think. I sit here in silent agony…not able to even force the tears to come. I hide admidst the pain…desperatly hoping it will go away. Desperatly hoping I wont have to feel it…feel anything.

I now keep dreaming of the possibilities…the possibility of one more day with him. One more story…one more laugh…one more elusive kiss. Just one more time please.

One more time to see my hero…to see the man I admire and have always aspired to make proud of me. But that day can never happen…

and so I sit here…alone in the empty silence of my head…searching for a way out…searching for the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind…searching for the tears that wont fall completly.

Time…it will take time…but time is hard to deal with…when it comes to pain.

I sit here now thinking of my daughter…and hoping my memories will be enough to tell her of her great grandpa…tell her of the great man he was…and how he helped mold my life…I cry when i think of the fact that she will never remember him in person…that he will not be here to see her grow…that he will miss out on so much of my life…

so many things…so many thoughts…so much sorrow now.

I pray for that sunshine to hit again…to smile and feel it right to my bones…but it will take time…time

tic tock…tic tock….now to watch the ticking of the clock…and wait

breath…just breath