This has usually always been a day I dread…it usually doesnt work out the way I hope it would…and so is not this year either….tho I think it has been destroyed fo r me completly unless something major changes later today.
When Bo got home tonight…I was in the process of making him one of his presents…a whole bunch of sex ideas written on paper placed in a box…where he could pick one out whenever ( i thought he’d like a kind of game out of it since some of the stuff was also stuff I wasnt normally comfortable with but I would do for him)…So when I tried to give it to him…he said not tonight…even after seeing how I was excited about it…he said…no please…just do it tomorrow…I dont feel like it tonight (meaning he doesnt feel like getting my present to him)…ok so that was the first downer…
We drink a few beers together…he drinks much more than I…so by the end of the night…he grabs me by the hand…and leads me out to the computer…mind you I HATE internet porn…im just really uncomfortable with it and he knows this but the other night i gave it a try watching with him…and wound up telling him if he watched it with me I would be ok with it every once in awhile…so yeah he leads me out to the computer after just doing it 2 nights earlier…so I wasnt ready for another dose yet…plus c’mon…I mean its coming up on valentines day…isnt that to focus on your partner if/when you have one…its about the love you share with them…so I asked him do we have to do this tonight…and his response was…well I thought since its almost v day (meaning he wanted to get it on)…then after that he stumbled…oh wait Im sorry…I didnt mean that (about the internet) …yeah I know he was drunk so he didnt realize he basically told me well I thought since it was almost v day we could look at other girls… Does he have any idea how much my heart fell after that…how hollow I felt…and how desperatly I fought back tears…it felt as though he was saying…Its v day…and I want to look at hot girls with you…cause you just arent enough…Valentines day is supposed to be special…supposed to share that time with your S.O. making them feel/know they mean the world to you….so why do I feel like shit now.
And yet…what was my response after my initial reaction…oh its ok babe…no biggie…we can look if you want…
cause I would have done anything he wanted…I would always do anything for him.
This is becoming my downfall…I am loosing selfesteem…I am losing myself…for him
For my love for him…
Thinking if I just hang on…just a little bit more…he will show me how special I am to him…that he will show me how much I mean to him…
but I am holding my breath too long…and someday soon…I fear it will all fall apart…I will look at myself in the mirror…and hate who I have become…clinging only to the one thing I have not screwed up so far….my daughter.
But my heart aches….it was like tonight was the last arrow it could take…I cant even bear to sleep beside him…I dont think I will be giving him that one gift tomorrow…I also have a card and a movie for him…I shall give him those…
and distance myself for awhile…I can not bear the pain…the disappointment…the hollowness anymore…as much as I love him…I can not take myself anymore
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