I can remember when i was little…every family holiday sitting around my grandfathers feet…all of us…listening to his stories. Stories of war…and stories of his youth. My grandpa…with the big ole’ pot belly. Always had cookies ready for us…he used to tease us too. He’d point to a place on his cheek where he wanted a kiss…then pull away last second to make us miss the spot he pointed to…then he’d shake his fist at us and say im gonna punch ya in da nose if you dont get it this time…and the game would be repeated numerous times till we finally grabbed hold of his face and planted that big smacker dead on. Memories of him cooking us all breakfast when we went down to visit him and grandma. Of him teasing us and telling us that if we dug a hole deep enough we could go to china…then letting us dig that hole right in the middle of his backyard…Of the world of reading he shared with us those nights just sitting quietly beside him reading our seperate books… He introduced me to my love of westerns…of John wayne and Clint Eastwood. Of the louie L’moure books. So many memories…so much happiness…nothing could hold him back. He was proud and strong. Maybe not always in health but in spirit.
Seeing him now…laying in bed..so thin and so weak…it crushes me…feels like someone punched me dead in the stomach with a pitchfork. I look at him and my heart and soul are in anguish. Today I couldnt stop the tears…I held onto his hand said I love you…and the once lovingly gruff voice could not even answer back. I know he has had a full life…he has a loving family…but I want my grandpa back. I am selfish…God you cant have him! But I cant bear to see him in pain anymore. He is slipping away and there is nothing I can do to turn back time to have just a bit longer with him…1 more story…one more day of him being able to sit up without pain.
I have to force myself to walk into his room…to see him to make sure I dont regret not saying goodbye…Its so hard though. To see him suffering like this…bedridden with the worst bedsores….Not being able to speak half the time…not being able to open his eyes to see who is in the room with him…not knowing our voices unless we tell him who we are a million times.
He woke up a bit today…briefly…wiggled his finger at Kylie…and she grabbed on tight. Im sure it brought him a sense of happiness. I unfortunatly did not see it happen. I had to leave the room before I burst into sobs there. My mom is the one who told me what had gone on.
Everyone stands in his room so calmly. Like they have accepted it already. They seem to be counting down the days till hes at peace. I can not be so calm. Feeling a huge part of my life ripped apart.
My grandpa told me once…right after I had fought with my mom…cause I was grumpy…he looked at me and said… “You tell your mom…You tell her it doesnt matter what she says…my grandpa loves me…even when Im grumpy” …My grandpa loves me…
It hurts…everything hurts…I wonder how long till its over. My grandmother is having the worst time…theyve been together over 60 years…for 60 years they have faced every battle life threw at them. She sat there tonight and grabbed hold of his hand during one slightly lucid moment…and he barely got the words out “Id know that hand anywhere” and smiled so peacefully… They had true love….I want a love like that.
I dont even know how much longer my grandmother will last after he passes. They have been together so long that their spirits are joined. Will I lose her too? She is starting to suffer from alzhimers…can barely remember things sometimes…but yet when he calls for her she runs. Sits by his side so many hours…Such a sadness surrounds her now.
Death…its not fair…needed I know…but unfair…How can death so cruely ravage such a great man. For it is death that is ravaging him now…it is trying to claim him. But no, not yet…he still fights…still hangs on…to every last moment.
My grandfather is the greatest man I have ever known. He fought bravely for his country many times. He survived. He has gone through hardships I can only imagine (the depression…loss…a hard childhood that we would not even consider a childhood now)..and he survived. This is one battle that ultimately he will lose.
But will it be lost? Id like to think not. I want to believe that he will go to a better place. He will be young again and free from his pain. Will know happiness. Id like to think we will meet again someday.
I am scared…and tired…hurting. A part of me will die when he does…a very large part. But he will live on in memories. I will tell my daugther of her great grandpa…try to remember his stories tho i can never match his storytelling. Her and Bo are my strength now. Bo is my main source of strength…but it does so much to lighten this burden in my heart whenever I hear her laughter…see her smile.
As much as Bo is my strength though…there are no words of comfort he can give at this time. Nothing no matter what can take away the pain I feel. Nothing can make it better. The world will be a little colder when this great man passes. One who has touched so many lives..not just his family. I only wish Kylie was old enough so she would remember her great grandpa.
I will never forget him…and I will try to have the strength to spend whatever time I have left with him…Its just hard to see him so frail…I dont want to remember him that way
God, if you are truly out there as i try to always believe… Take care of my grandpa…He is a great man. I love him so much
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