my dad died when i was 12...i never really knew him even...he left before I was born, I met him for a week when i was 8 (wasnt sure about that even until i found an old old journal of mine last night) after that week I never saw him again. He lived out in kansas my mom and him never married even. We werent even asked if we wanted to go to his funeral...maybe they thought we were too young...or maybe it was a money issue. Theres not even a grave to visit cause he was cremated...Anyways i spent a lot of time growing up thinking maybe hes out there...maybe he just didnt want a family anymore and some day he'll decide he wants us again and come out of hiding.
That was the kind of weak person i was...wanting to believe in fairytales and happy endings. Since I never saw his grave or even death certificate I could never really let go. Even now being 24 and knowing that thought was silly I still have that dream some nights...that hes out there still alive.
After tonight its over...something about seeing it for the first time...even though I knew...is somewhat unbearable. I knew it was true....but I guess there was still that part of me that wanted to hold onto a stupid dream. Not anymore though
while on readers digest site it brought me to a site I could research family on...and I found him listed in the social security death index. I dont know if this gives me the closure I finally needed....or just the end of a silly dream i needed to hold onto.
something about a dream i needed to hold onto....that one small thing to hope for even though i knew it was shit. Kinda kills everything left in me right now
Cause the feeling remains...that tonight I lost him all over again
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