So we talked

We talked again last night…I felt as i always feel at the begining…that whats the point I’ve said this stuff so many times but its never done any good before…but last night was different…and i feel so much better this morning…I told him last night that it was always good enough before when he didnt say anything about how i looked or give me compliments or even say i love you to me…because at that time i hadnt thought about a serious future with him…i was only thinking of the right then…but how i didnt want to go the rest of my life without hearing i love you…or hearing him compliment me on something…also…brought up what he had said…that if any guy ever treated our daughter the way he treated me he’d kill the guy…so i also asked him why is it ok for him to treat me that way then…and i think it finally sunk in…he told me i was right about that…he even came to bed with me last night when he had to get up early for a double shift today…

things are def. looking up now.

Hitting the floor

I try to get past the scared insecure girl i once was…and came so close at one point. But it seems she’s always there looking back at me from the mirror. Lately I’v been strugglining with my relationship…wondering if he still cares…wishing for just one kind word unasked for…but they dont come…as much as i wish for them…the wish remains unanswered.

I hear it durning our fights…stop acting like a stupid bitch…stop acting like a stupid whore…is it the alcohol talking or is it like they always say…somehow true…you tell the truth when youre drunk…

and so i wait…for a compliment on how much weight i have lost so far…a compliment on how good a job i did on the house…something…anything to show that i matter…

But no…i see a girl who doesnt get to take a shower everyday…who doesnt get to dress up nice cause she has no clothes that fit her…and besides even if she did…they’d be covered in spit and baby drool by midday…I see someone who barely even does her hair cause it’ll just get messed up soon enough anyways…

Maybe the fault is mine…I dont try hard enough…I should excercise more to lose the weight…Then i wouldnt be too fat for my clothes…I should quit complaining so much …i have it easy i only have to watch the baby all day…i dont do anything else…

I wait so desperatly to hear something…anything that tells me I’m desireable to him…I wait so desperatly to hear him say or show that he doesnt want to live without me…that i make his life complete and happy…and that without me he’d feel a little lost…but those words never come…

Will i ever hear it…will i ever value myself again…will I ever stop being so pathetic that i will not need to hear any words from him to make me feel special or pretty…or worthy

My heart hurts right now…deeper than any pain it has felt before…my eyes are tired from crying…I am tired…and i want to give up….I dont know where to turn to …i dont know what to do…it feels like everyday I sink a little lower…everyday i lose a little bit more hope…a little bit more confidence.

Will he realize I’m slipping…will he even care…does it matter to him…do I? …

I wish…………………………………

Our Story

ok so here it is…some of the basics of our story…which may tell why I can get so insecure sometimes…

I met you back in Oct. 2004 … and kinda fell in love you with you right from the start. You were so different than any guy I had met before…You made me feel like I could be so much more than I was. From the day we met we basically started seeing eachother everyday almost….and it wasnt long before we slept together (maybe a mistake but it felt so right to me) About a month into seeing you…I started wondering…why was I good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date…I started thinking something was wrong with me…we had a talk one night finally cause at this poiint I slept over quiet often…it was late at night and we were laying in bed together…I asked you why you hadnt asked me out…why you wouldnt…asked you if something was wrong with me…you proceeded to tell me about this friend you had…Jen. You had been friends with her for 2 years…she was your best friend…and you both had liked eachother for that whole time but nothing ever came of it…you told me that before getting into something serious with me you wanted to tell her. Which you did about a month later….then she decided at that time that she wanted you…after she had 2 years she decided she wanted you when I almost had you. You stopped talking to me and her both for a few weeks then…to have time to gather your thoughts and think about what you wanted…In the end you started seeing me again. I Offically moved in with you after knowing you for 6 or 7 months…and 3 months later you asked me out (to make it offical) …I thought it was smooth riding from there…but something happened…I wouldnt tell you not to see her…or not to be friends with her…thats not the kind of person i am…so you still went out with her and your other friends…and thats when it started going downhill…we started fighting (cause I was scared of losing you) and somehow one night she told you…”If you guys dont last I could see myself getting serious with you” …I asked you then what you wanted…what was going on…You told me (the first time you ever said those words to me and it was tainted) I love you…but I love her… She put the idea into your head…so in august…you left me…cause you said…you’d spend your life saying what if about her…and you’d eventually resent me for it.

I was heartbroken…more than you’ll ever know…so I went on…praying that you’d change your mind…not letting go of hoping that you’d come back to me… and at the same time moving on with my life…not calling you anymore…waiting for you to be the one to call…then 2 months after we broke up …you started calling again…asking me to go to the bars with you (you wanted someone to drink with) … and the first night we hung out…we wound up back at your house…and did something that maybe should not have been done… It happened 3 more times before it was too much for both of us…we agreed…we couldnt sleep together anymore…could be friends and hang out…but not sleep together…

It didnt work the way we agreed…you even took a night off when we had made plans…saying you needed to think…I didnt realize at that time but she was starting up saying the same things to you again…you went out with your guy friends to the bar…and I got a phone call at 3 am…you were parked at the McDonalds up the street from me somehow…you didnt remember driving there at all…in fact you had wanted a night away from both me and her so you said that night…but a cop was there and would have arrested you had you driven…so I walked up there and drove you home…I always asked myself why? …why did you drive towards my house when you live the oppisite way…why?

Well so its novemeber now…and you spent thanksgiving with me and my family…were we back together? No…not really…december comes and I finally ask what happened with her…I lasted so long but i finally had to know if she was still in the picture…i didnt want to go through that again…you told me you guys dated for a week…and then i had called one night…she then told you you couldnt have anything to do with me so you broke up with her…I always thought that was you choosing me over her…now I’m not always so sure if it might not be just choosing not to be with her cause she tried telling you what to do…

So we stayed unoffically together and I sorta moved back in…rather I stayed there for days on end till you sent me home…then came that fateful day in march…I took that test…and the blue line appared..I was pregnant…Oh god what would you say? …would you kick me to the curb completly…or what…I didnt know…But you…You jumped right back into US! decided we were a couple then…that you would be there for the baby that was oh so unexpected and unwanted (on your end) …

Now we are hitting that rocky road again…where will we turn from here? Will you once again decide its too much work…too much effort…or will you fight just as hard as I will for us…for our family? I dont know…

Yes there is so much more to this story…so much more happy memories…and some more bad ones…but thats not the point of it…You went out today with your friends…with Jens sister…you told me she wouldnt be there…but my heart is grasped in the fear that she was…that she may put a wedge between us again…and you will once again turn your back on me…

After all this…you wonder why I am scared…why I worry…how can you not understand…You left me once…how can I be sure you wont do that now

The now ever present fear...

I now know that if we didnt last he’d fight me for custody of her… “Why is it fair that you get her and I dont” his exact words…I’ll tell you why its fair…because I carried her for nine months…because I gave birth to her…because I wanted her from the second I found out about her…because even though I never left the house to go out to bars or clubs…and didnt have any guy friends…you still doubt she’s yours…because the only reason you signed that aknowledgement of paternity at the hospital is beacuse you still would have 60 days to contest it so you could still get the test done when you were ready…because I will be there for her more than you will be able to with how you work at least 55 hours a week and go to shhool part time…

Its fair because I am her mommy…because she is the center of my world…and because I will not hesitate to tell her each and every day that I love her…where you have already said those words are so hard for you to say…so you probably wont even say them to her…because even when she has a bad night (even though I occasionally get frustrated) I will never say I dont want to hold her…becasue “I’m not in the mood for her/ I’m done with her for now” (those were you exact words her first fussy night…granted like i said i get frustrated with her…and a lil’ loudly ask what do you want…kinda frustrated voice…but then I stop and realize…just because I’m tired and shes fussy…doesnt mean I can get mad at her…or “tired/sick” of her…shes only a baby

You will not take her from me…and how dare you threaten that…seems like you dont want us to work…like you are already planning for what to do when you are done with me…You will not win this fight buddy boy…I will fight you tooth and nail with everything I have to prevent you from taking her from me…Yes I do have a bad history of psych illness…and its not too far in the past…its only been 2 years…but that doesnt matter…I will not lose her…not now…NOT EVER!!!

You wanna go down that path buddy…go ahead…see what happens…you will NOT like the outcome…I guarentee it!!!

~My Angel~

I look into those eyes of yours and see a fresh life; a new start.

I hold your tiny hand in mine, realizing this tiny hand holds my whole heart.

My past mistakes and regrets seem to fade away.

With you came the dawning of a brand new day.

I see a new beginning…a future full of love.

You’re God’s special gift to me; sent here from above.

All my life I was waiting; for what I couldn’t say.

I found out what that was…on that special November day.

As soon as I saw your face, my doubts disappeared without a trace.

I finally knew exactally what to do.

I will always love you.

I will always care for you.

I will never be far from your side.

I will come when you call.

Pick you up when you fall.

I will dry every tear that you cry.

I will be your friend and teacher.

You may come to think; tormenter and preacher.

But always above all… your mommy.

Rough Times

It’s been rough these past few months…for both of us I know…I wonder sometimes…ok a lot where things are between us…

You say I’m being silly to ask…or to question…but you dont seem to understand where I’m coming from…When we found out about the baby…we werent even offically together…and you told me at that time that you werent even looking for anything serious with me at that time…we were “friends” (with benifits obviously) …then as soon as you found out you immediatly jumped into being us again. I think in a way you resent me for dumping this all on you…you even said when we get the paternity results back that’ll basically mean were engaged…why dont you trust me enough to ask me now…if you truly wanted to marry me…then you wouldnt hestitate…

It was your choice…but did you really stop to think about it…did I? Maybe I should have questioned your choice…maybe i should have said no! and made you stop to think a little more.

Always before what you gave me was good enough…maybe because in the long run as much as I knew I loved you…and wanted to be with you…maybe in the back of my head i didnt think we would last…I know thats sad to hear…and say but now I wonder…

Now I’m looking at it from a different angle…

When I say I love you…I cant picture going the rest of my life ( or extended future at least) …with the only response given is a grunt…if you do love me why cant you ever say it…or at least say it back?

When I ask you how I look…you say fine…always only fine…you never give any compliments either…and when i ask do you mean just fine (as in passable) or do you mean good…you roll your eyes at me like I’m crazy…Without understanding that I am a female…and need compliments to keep my self esteem up…Why is that so hard to do?

Even sometimes when I ask to cuddle with you…which we dont always get to do now…its sometimes to much of a pain…you dont have enough energy for me…and that hurts…I get very vulnerable…you knew this from the start…did you think I could just flip a switch and fix myself? Am I broken? Do I need to be fixed?

I need to hear the reassurance…that I’m pretty enough…that I’m good enough…that even when we fight…even when i piss you off…you still love me.

Was it just responsibility that got you to say you wanted me? Wanted us?

I cant go on this way if things dont change…I’ll just start to resent being here with you…I’ll start to resent myself because I will feel like I’m settling for less than I deserve…I asked you the other night if I deserved that deserved hearing the compliments…deserved hearing a response when I say those of so special words…and you said yes…but you still havent done anything different…

Did you mean that I deserved it…but just not from you?

I really don’t know anymore Bo…and I dont want to live the next few years desperatly trying to be happy about her…about us…while always sitting there questioning…always needing more…

But you’ll probably think I’m being needy…clingy…or something like that…maybe you never needed the reassurance babe…but I do…

I’m lost, confused, and a little broken now…please glue me back together …or let me go

Not enough

It’s all well and good that you work so hard to support us…and that you are looking towards the future by concentrating on school…but dont forget about us…

You woke up this morning…your first day off in awhile…and you couldnt even spend time with us before you rushed out the door…didnt even stop for a kiss goodbye from either of us… My heart has been filled with so much joy over this lil’ angel i hold every day…but at the same time it is breaking a little more each day…

I told you last night how I needed time with you…i need you to actually start giving me compliments to help my self-esteem right now…I feel a little lonely…It’s hard…this new job I have…it’s gonna take time before I relax into it more…not that I regret or resent any second of it…but it is still hard…especially when you work more than you used to because of not having enough managers at work…I miss you…I miss having you there to talk to…plus i get worried about a lot… wondering if I’m doing a good job…worried that i might do something wrong…even though I know I make a great mom…i still worry sometimes…

So i guess the point I’m trying to make…is that…I know you are a great daddy…i know you are busting your ass trying to make sure we have everything we need…but the most important thing is that you dont forget that we need you here too… so babe…dont forget about us

My angel

ok so November 8th now…she’s 6 days old now and I couldnt be happier… I will say the whole labor experience was horrid for the most part… it started at 11pm and as soon as they started me my contractions started coming 1min 1 & 1/2 mins apart but at that point they didnt hurt…they were just uncomfortable…Bo got to the hospital at about 2 am from work… and lucky he got there then cause they started hurting like a bitch…I couldnt move at all…without my stomach hurting…couldnt sleep at all either cause they were so painful and cause they were so close together… the other problem…if it wasnt a contraction hurting me…lil Kylie as active as ever even that morning…decided she wanted to kick when my stomach wasnt clenching from a contraction…so I got no break what-so-ever…That went on for about 5 hours all the time getting worse and worse…till finally my mom / bo and especially me fought with the doctors to get them to at least give me the shot in the butt for pain…ouch!!! And it didnt even help that much…

So finally at around 11 am they brought me down to the labor floor…and also FINALLY decided i was far enough along to get the epidurahl (sp?) …i was floating on cloud nine once that took effect… …ahh sweet relief at that point they also checked to see how ready i was…only 5 cms dialated at that point…. at about 12:30 they decided to let me pee…though i couldnt get up for it they stuck a cathador in me to drain it…shortly afterwards the contractions started hurting again…I told the nurse and she said to let her know if it got any worse….5 mins later I’m laying there screaming at my mom “I NEED TO PUSH” so the nurse comes back in…saying…”Well sometimes you get that urge so go ahead…but its gonna be another few hours before shes ready to come out…but let me take a look down there and see whats going on” …so she peaks her head down there as i satisify my urge to push…then all hell breaks loose…seems like they were wrong…she was ready to come out no matter what they said…so the nurse scrambles now OMG!!! SHE’S COMING!!! hits a buzzer and 5 people (a mix of doctors and nurses) come swarming into my room…all craziness from then on…

One nurse on my right side to hold my heel in the palm of her hand to brace on it for pushing…and guess who the lucky one was to hold the other side…Daddy :p …and he thought he’d be far away from actually seeing what was happening down there…no such luck…in the midst of pushing they ask me if I want them to put her on my stomach as soon as she comes out…before they even wash her up… me who was always grossed out by seeing that before… did i hesitate…no way… “yes go ahead put her there…please…please” …

Ok so I’m gonna skip how bad mannered I was to the doctors… telling one in particular to fuck off for touching me cause I wasnt pushing the way she wanted me to…or the mass amounts of me saying other things…basically boiled down to I CANT PUSH ANYMORE!!! and crying in between to Bo get her out…(he looked so helpless then) …And they did not help by trying to get me to touch the head as it was coming out…I sooo did not want to just touch her head…I wanted her out so I could hold her…but mainly at that point I just wanted the pain to end…

It was all worth it the second they put her on my stomach…She was beautiful… and it was such an amazing feeling to hold her…to see what he and I made together…to watch as our daughter took her first breath…had her first scream…the best part was that when they went to take her off of me to clean her up…she grabbed hold of my hospital gown…she didnt want to let go…

So now 6 days later… it still hurts to pee… my muscles are killing me…I’m soo sleep deprived its not even funny…I also can barely find time or energy to take a showere which i so desperatly need…But no way would I change a damn thing… Her birth was the best day of my life…She makes every bad choice …every bad mistake fade away…every tear worth while…and every smile that much brighter now…The feeling that I am even more complete now from having her…

I sit there at night with her (cause yes she’s a night owl just like mommy and daddy) …and just stare at her in wonder…trying to figure out what I did to deserve a child like her…what did i do to deserve to be so amazingly happy… and ya know what…I’ll never know…but she is mine…and I’ll never let her down…I’ll always be here for her…she’ll always be my little angel.

Countdown

Ok so now there are 4 days till her due date. Though if she’s anything like her mom or dad …she’s gonna be late. Thats ok though…I’ll bite back my excitement….and be patient. I wasnt sure if it was ever possible to be this happy. To have such an overwhelming sense of happiness, and contentment. He’s been great throughout this whole time. It’s kinda funny to me now that when I first found out I was scared of his reaction. Scared that he may not want a part of this new life. I cant believe I ever doubted it for a second.

She responds to him so well. If he pokes my stomach she’ll kick back, but if he rubs it…she calms down. No matter what I do she always responds by kicking me :p …so it seems she is already daddy’s lil’ girl. My best memory so far is how one night he came home from work at 1:30am I was so exhausted I only woke up quick enough to say hi and then I fell back to sleep. He sat down on the couch in front of where I was laying. His back against my stomach. So at about 3am I finally woke up again with my stomach being really tight and uncomfortable. He turns around to rub my stomach with me groaning …”No, dont touch it yet…she’s hurting me right now” …then he tells me about what shes been up to…she had spent the past few hours kicking him very hard in the back…(at this point she was still kicking extreamly hard) so he proceeded to rub my stomach and say hello to her like he does every night. As soon as he did that she immediatly calmed down. Quit kicking me and went to sleep. He tried to lean back against her to show me what he meant by how much she was kicking him before … but nothing happened since he had finally said hello to her. The look on his face was priceless truly. The look of awe when he realized that all she wanted was him to say hello. The look of tenderness when he realized that she already knew who daddy was. I think it was the first time that this all felt truly real to him.

When I talked to him about it a few weeks later…going back over what I saw from my perspective… He told me….” It was the first time I bonded with her…It wasnt about you at all (he did not mean this offensivly) …it was about me …and her…and how she reacts to me even though she is still in your stomach” He’d probably kill me for saying this…but the guy who I have only ever seen shead a tear once…actually shed another tear…the first of many I’m sure for his baby girl…

I hope as she grows older she realizes how much both of us love her. Actually I know she will.

And so I continue to sit here patiently…waiting till I can see her face…till I can hold her in my arms…till I can see the look on his face when he holds our daughter for the very first time. I wait to see how we will grow as a family… Knowing that our love will help us weather out the many storms I’m sure we will face. But we can do it all together…

I always had my family….but now I also have MY family.

Random

So I wonder where to start with my thoughts…since they are always such a jumbled mess. So we’ll start with the present day. Where i sit alone most days…rampant thoughts running around. Some scary, some good, but its alwasy so hard to make sense of anything. I wonder how much I truly have changed from that scared little girl I was just a short while ago. The one who screamed out for attention…who screamed out for help. Every drop of blood for what? The one who used to think. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I holding onto a love that seems like it can never be?

What happened to change things so far? Where i feel as though one day I was pulled out of my old “Way of life” and shoved into this new …wonderful world. It couldnt of been anything I did…cause I always screw everything up. So what happened? How did I get so lucky? ….and that ever present fear of … How long do I have before it’s ripped away from me again? Till I go back to who I used to be? I think that scares me the most. That I COULD go back to her…to that broken scared…drug filled… outta control…dont give a fuck if I live or die girl.

I sit at home alone talking to friends online…. people who have never seen me…never seen the scars I wear 24/7… I wonder if they saw me on the street if they would quickly walk the other way.

The biggest thing is…When it comes down to it. I know I made the change for the better happen! I know I finally decided that my life was worth living. But now the sad thing that remains is that one day… I will have to look my baby girl in the eyes and explain to her where all the booboos on mommys arm came from… Do I lie to her then? A car accident maybe? …but no I could not lie…when she was old enough to understand I would have to look her in the eyes and say at one time mommy did not care about anything or anyone… I will have to tell her how close I came to ending it all…and never giving her the chance to be born.

So now…. as I said….I sit alone at home most days to avoid people in real life… on the chance that if I make new friends…either I will make a bad choice and meet another parasite…who will drag me back in a downwards spiral…or on the chance that I will get comfortable with them….and finally relax enough to wear my shortsleave shirts… or my shorts even….and they will finally see every part of me…and decide I am not worth shit!

But what do I care if that happens right? I know my worth…And the only people who matter to me are my family…The ones who held me and wouldnt let go. The ones who saw me at my worst and never gave up.

I assume people would treat me different if they knew…if they knew my darkest secrets…my lowest low… so I tend not to give them that chance. Pathetic maybe…. sad yes! But it is who I am… It is my only defense sometimes. To have so many people walk away from me already… It’s hard to give someone else that chance