So I wonder where to start with my thoughts…since they are always such a jumbled mess. So we’ll start with the present day. Where i sit alone most days…rampant thoughts running around. Some scary, some good, but its alwasy so hard to make sense of anything. I wonder how much I truly have changed from that scared little girl I was just a short while ago. The one who screamed out for attention…who screamed out for help. Every drop of blood for what? The one who used to think. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I holding onto a love that seems like it can never be?

What happened to change things so far? Where i feel as though one day I was pulled out of my old “Way of life” and shoved into this new …wonderful world. It couldnt of been anything I did…cause I always screw everything up. So what happened? How did I get so lucky? ….and that ever present fear of … How long do I have before it’s ripped away from me again? Till I go back to who I used to be? I think that scares me the most. That I COULD go back to her…to that broken scared…drug filled… outta control…dont give a fuck if I live or die girl.

I sit at home alone talking to friends online…. people who have never seen me…never seen the scars I wear 24/7… I wonder if they saw me on the street if they would quickly walk the other way.

The biggest thing is…When it comes down to it. I know I made the change for the better happen! I know I finally decided that my life was worth living. But now the sad thing that remains is that one day… I will have to look my baby girl in the eyes and explain to her where all the booboos on mommys arm came from… Do I lie to her then? A car accident maybe? …but no I could not lie…when she was old enough to understand I would have to look her in the eyes and say at one time mommy did not care about anything or anyone… I will have to tell her how close I came to ending it all…and never giving her the chance to be born.

So now…. as I said….I sit alone at home most days to avoid people in real life… on the chance that if I make new friends…either I will make a bad choice and meet another parasite…who will drag me back in a downwards spiral…or on the chance that I will get comfortable with them….and finally relax enough to wear my shortsleave shirts… or my shorts even….and they will finally see every part of me…and decide I am not worth shit!

But what do I care if that happens right? I know my worth…And the only people who matter to me are my family…The ones who held me and wouldnt let go. The ones who saw me at my worst and never gave up.

I assume people would treat me different if they knew…if they knew my darkest secrets…my lowest low… so I tend not to give them that chance. Pathetic maybe…. sad yes! But it is who I am… It is my only defense sometimes. To have so many people walk away from me already… It’s hard to give someone else that chance