I try to get past the scared insecure girl i once was…and came so close at one point. But it seems she’s always there looking back at me from the mirror. Lately I’v been strugglining with my relationship…wondering if he still cares…wishing for just one kind word unasked for…but they dont come…as much as i wish for them…the wish remains unanswered.
I hear it durning our fights…stop acting like a stupid bitch…stop acting like a stupid whore…is it the alcohol talking or is it like they always say…somehow true…you tell the truth when youre drunk…
and so i wait…for a compliment on how much weight i have lost so far…a compliment on how good a job i did on the house…something…anything to show that i matter…
But no…i see a girl who doesnt get to take a shower everyday…who doesnt get to dress up nice cause she has no clothes that fit her…and besides even if she did…they’d be covered in spit and baby drool by midday…I see someone who barely even does her hair cause it’ll just get messed up soon enough anyways…
Maybe the fault is mine…I dont try hard enough…I should excercise more to lose the weight…Then i wouldnt be too fat for my clothes…I should quit complaining so much …i have it easy i only have to watch the baby all day…i dont do anything else…
I wait so desperatly to hear something…anything that tells me I’m desireable to him…I wait so desperatly to hear him say or show that he doesnt want to live without me…that i make his life complete and happy…and that without me he’d feel a little lost…but those words never come…
Will i ever hear it…will i ever value myself again…will I ever stop being so pathetic that i will not need to hear any words from him to make me feel special or pretty…or worthy
My heart hurts right now…deeper than any pain it has felt before…my eyes are tired from crying…I am tired…and i want to give up….I dont know where to turn to …i dont know what to do…it feels like everyday I sink a little lower…everyday i lose a little bit more hope…a little bit more confidence.
Will he realize I’m slipping…will he even care…does it matter to him…do I? …
I wish…………………………………
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