It’s been rough these past few months…for both of us I know…I wonder sometimes…ok a lot where things are between us…
You say I’m being silly to ask…or to question…but you dont seem to understand where I’m coming from…When we found out about the baby…we werent even offically together…and you told me at that time that you werent even looking for anything serious with me at that time…we were “friends” (with benifits obviously) …then as soon as you found out you immediatly jumped into being us again. I think in a way you resent me for dumping this all on you…you even said when we get the paternity results back that’ll basically mean were engaged…why dont you trust me enough to ask me now…if you truly wanted to marry me…then you wouldnt hestitate…
It was your choice…but did you really stop to think about it…did I? Maybe I should have questioned your choice…maybe i should have said no! and made you stop to think a little more.
Always before what you gave me was good enough…maybe because in the long run as much as I knew I loved you…and wanted to be with you…maybe in the back of my head i didnt think we would last…I know thats sad to hear…and say but now I wonder…
Now I’m looking at it from a different angle…
When I say I love you…I cant picture going the rest of my life ( or extended future at least) …with the only response given is a grunt…if you do love me why cant you ever say it…or at least say it back?
When I ask you how I look…you say fine…always only fine…you never give any compliments either…and when i ask do you mean just fine (as in passable) or do you mean good…you roll your eyes at me like I’m crazy…Without understanding that I am a female…and need compliments to keep my self esteem up…Why is that so hard to do?
Even sometimes when I ask to cuddle with you…which we dont always get to do now…its sometimes to much of a pain…you dont have enough energy for me…and that hurts…I get very vulnerable…you knew this from the start…did you think I could just flip a switch and fix myself? Am I broken? Do I need to be fixed?
I need to hear the reassurance…that I’m pretty enough…that I’m good enough…that even when we fight…even when i piss you off…you still love me.
Was it just responsibility that got you to say you wanted me? Wanted us?
I cant go on this way if things dont change…I’ll just start to resent being here with you…I’ll start to resent myself because I will feel like I’m settling for less than I deserve…I asked you the other night if I deserved that deserved hearing the compliments…deserved hearing a response when I say those of so special words…and you said yes…but you still havent done anything different…
Did you mean that I deserved it…but just not from you?
I really don’t know anymore Bo…and I dont want to live the next few years desperatly trying to be happy about her…about us…while always sitting there questioning…always needing more…
But you’ll probably think I’m being needy…clingy…or something like that…maybe you never needed the reassurance babe…but I do…
I’m lost, confused, and a little broken now…please glue me back together …or let me go
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