Haunting Past

So for some reason I started thinking tonight about my past mostly…Its a jumble of thoughts and I dont quiet know where to start…So I’ll start as close to the begining as possible.

School growing up for me was horrid…I was never popular…for my beliefs or my looks…the best way people knew how to make fun of me was to say…if your own dad didnt want you or want to be around you…why would you think anyone else wanted to.

That hit me hard cause he was never there for me…wanted my mom to abort me…he would have been there for my sisters if she had…and then he hung himself…when I was 12…and there was never anyone to ask questions about him…or about what happened…they all wanted to just let it go and never speak/think of it again….so I lived in silent agony…for a father who never cared…for the father I always wanted…I told myself for the longest time…hes not really dead…he just didnt want us to contact him…maybe someday he’ll change his mind and want me again…I never even was given the option to go to his funeral…I dreamed he was alive…sometimes I still do.

My first bf…was paid to go out with me by a guy at school who then wanted his money back for it…said if I kept paying him the bf would stay.

My first experience with sex…or sex related things…was with my oldest sisters ex bf. I had a crush on him for a few years thought he was my friend…so we used to go rollerblading sometimes…we ended up at his house one night for some water and I wound up being pinned down to the couch with his dick in my face…him saying im not letting you up till you suck it..even though i was crying he still wouldnt let me up…then after i finally did it…i also wasnt given a choice for sex.

First time I cut…my bf (the first guy I ever trusted after that whole deal with my sisters ex)…we were together for a week short of 2 years….he just up and told me one day it was over…no explanation no reason…so I did the one thing I thought would get a response…I almost cut through the vein on my wrist (while driving) it didnt stop bleeding for about an hour…he said good mayeb they’ll put you in a psych ward where you belong…and the cutting kept up since he decided to string me along after that…telling me it was my fault we broke up for about 2 weeks straight…then finally admitting he had a girl at a bar give him a blowjob…he thought for that day he was in love with her.

The next guy I met was the worst out of them…with him I drank everyday…cause I needed the acceptance from him…that was the only way I could get it…then I started the drugs…first just weed… then we couldnt find that so it went to coke…then crack. Where everyday I would get out of work by 4pm and smoke a blunt on the drive home…then immediatly hit the packy store and drink till I passed out barely waking up for work most of the time.

That finally started ending with him after him starting a fight with me cause I called his mom after he took some pills…he was flipping out and scaring me and he got mad at me for cutting off his drug supply so he called me a cunt, whore, bitch and slut… I got arrested for disturbance cause he claimed i started the fight….though i was the one with the bruises. It finally ended when on my 20th birthday he beat the shit out of me for one of my friends pouring a beer over some girls head (sopme girl he wanted to screw)…it was my fault somehow… That night cause of him beating on my stomach I also found out I had been pregnant…he beat the baby out of me…I was in the hospital for 2 days afterwards.

then I found new “friends” who were big into smoking crack….I went over there about every other day…especially when i got paid…I feel now as though I sold my soul for it….I dont even want to think about the things I did when I wanted it…I sold all my stuff…I spent every dime I had…I made “friends” with the worst sorts…as I said I sold my soul.

There was one day that finally got me started on the clean path…someone who I smoked with asked me for a ride to his boys house to drop off a dvd…when we got there he went into the kids car to leave it…only afterwards did i find out that he had stolen about 3 grand worth of crack…I had dealers following me around for about 4 hours threatened me…my family…even though i didnt know what had been going on…I had just been the ride… I finally shook them and made it home…swearing I wouldnt go near the stuff again cause my nephew lived in my house too…I wouldnt risk them for drugs.

But it didnt quiet end there…I was still cutting…still drinking…still doing drugs…thank god no one offered me anything worse…or Id probably be dead now.

I wish sometimes I could go back and change all of it…but that would mean I wouldnt be here…with bo…with our daughter. But it kills me sometimes…when I take that first drag of a cig….and it very rarely…but sometimes reminds me of that oh so tempting taste of crack…that giddy devil may care feeling… It kills me when i reach a breaking point and I dream of the blade slicing through the arm…anything to take the focus off the mental pain and anguish…It kills me when i want to drink till I forget who i am or what i am doing….It kills me cause I know that was the worst of me…of my life…that is when i was living death.

But it makes me stronger…evrytime I feel that…and I say NO! I am stronger than this…I do not want that…I will not succumb to those temptations of my past…

Yet still it haunts me….and every day….I long to forget…

to forget…the little girl hiding in a corner crying with no friends…crying for the daddy she never had…the daddy she always wanted…even needed…for the 17 year old girl who was innocent to everything…and had that innocence stolen by a 23 year old “friend”…to the girl who has always been there…desperatly crying out for love…for the proof…that in this world she does matter…for all that I have lost…all that I have given up on…for all that I have betrayed.

If only…if only I could forgive myself…

maybe someday I can

Parasites

Someone referred to children as parasites today….saying they’d rather have a career than feed parasite people… Made it sound as though you can have only one or the other and that if you have children you can not be independant.

Her referal to children as parasites made me so angry…considering the defination of parasites is an animal or thing that feeds off a host without benifiting it. That is so not a true definition of children. Especially not my child.

Before I had my daughter I was floundering for a purpose in life…sure I had work I had friends and a family and a great bf… but still I felt lost. I was lost in my past much of that time…wondering what my future held.

I was depressed…and feeling hopeless… thinking I couldnt do anything right. And then came the day I found out I was pregnant. I felt the earth fall out from under me that day. Oh my god…what am I going to do? Will I be a good mom? Will he want the baby? Will I be able to do this on my own if he doesnt? So many questions rushed through my head that day. And for many days afterwards. I realized she was growing inside me more and more each day. And each day I thought…am I making a mistake…but I cant go back. Then came the first day I felt her move…the only way I can describe it is that it felt like little bubbles coming to the surface and then popping on the top of my stomach. I remember the wonder I felt that day…and each day after it whenever I felt that life inside me…that miracle. Every day I had a bad day…Id come home and just want the world to disappear…then she’d kick and brought the world back to me. She made it all feel wonderful and ok from the first day.

Now…yeah it gets hard…I get tired…There is so much to do everyday and no sleep to keep up on it. I get grumpy sometimes…I miss work…and then I stop and think…………….

Every smile I cause to come to her face…everyday the laughter comes a little easier to her…everytime she grabs my fingers…brings this overwhelming joy to my life. She keeps me from losing all hope. When I think about stupid things from my past…I look at her and I cant dwell on it any longer.

I held her tonight feeding her right before she fell asleep…with her newest eagerness to explore she kept grabbing my face…my nose my mouth even my eyes…and I sat there and drank it all in. Its like nothing in the world could disrupt my world at that moment. Nothing could bring me down. She brings discovery…happiness…fulfillment to my life everyday…and most of all…she brings love…and trust.

Parasite? I think not! She is the greatest gift I could ever have…she makes me…my bf…my family…my life, complete.

There is time enough in my future to work on a career…for now…I have the best and most fulfilling job in the world. I am a mom… and DAMN proud of it.

I wish

with all that is going on between bo and me right now…with all that is stressed between us…God how I wish I could turn back time to save him from this heartach…I wish I could turn back time and heal the wounds between him and his dad…I had the chance too…I got his dad’s number from his sister…I was planning on calling him and trying to get him to make the effort to call Bo…but I just never got around to it…

honestly that is one of the things killing me right now…I wish I had tried that sooner…before the chance was lost. Yeah I know it wasnt my fault…but i had a chance to do something…or rather to try something to at least make a difference….and now it is too late.

So I sit here…helpless….wishing I could heal the pain in Bo’s heart right now…wishing I could turn back time…and give them one more day together…one more day to make things right…to say I love you…to say goodbye.

death is so hard to handle…but it kills me that there is nothing I can do or say to make him feel better…to make him stop hurting…

I love him so much…even with the bad times….I love him…I dont want to see him hurt…I would rather die myself than to see him hurt anymore…he cries on the inside…doesnt show the pain…and I cry on the outside…cause I wish I could take it all away

Save me

so his dad just passed away…this is the time when i should be most supportive…but I just cant seem to stop exploding at him…when he says he’ll take her for an hour before he goes to work…then asks me to go to the store to get him beer…when i get back he says oh im sorry i dont have time to take her anymore….so i explode.

when i just want to spend time with him and he goes off to get stuff from his sister…I cant go cause he doesnt want to risk being caught in the snow with the baby…so i explode

Things are eating away at me…and I dont want to give up on us…but i know that i am pushing him further and further away…everything that happens now just makes this all seem hopeless.

Bottleing up the fact that he didnt even get me anything for valentines day cause he was worried about money…i can understand that fine…but yet he had enough money to get beer…sure he bought 2 bottles of champagne…but I DONT WANT ALCOHOL!!!…all I wanted was something that says…hey i know its rough for us…But I love you.. shit a card something…

I cant stop expolding about everything…even the smallest things set me off…Im so beyond stressed…I cant even relax at all…cant drink till I relax…cause I just wind up hungover and getting stressed the next day cause i can never sleep in anymore even when hes home.

I sat there the other night holding a blade…stressed to the point I almost broke apart…and then I forced myself out there to look at my daughter…my reason to keep going…and thank god I couldnt do anything.

But that scares me…almost…almost…its just to damn close for me…I wish I could smoke…weed is not as bad as other things i could do…I need something to relax…I cant take this anymore…

helpless…hopeless…hurt…angry…scared…frustrated…

lost.

please God, save me…before i lose my mind

I hate valentines day

This has usually always been a day I dread…it usually doesnt work out the way I hope it would…and so is not this year either….tho I think it has been destroyed fo r me completly unless something major changes later today.

When Bo got home tonight…I was in the process of making him one of his presents…a whole bunch of sex ideas written on paper placed in a box…where he could pick one out whenever ( i thought he’d like a kind of game out of it since some of the stuff was also stuff I wasnt normally comfortable with but I would do for him)…So when I tried to give it to him…he said not tonight…even after seeing how I was excited about it…he said…no please…just do it tomorrow…I dont feel like it tonight (meaning he doesnt feel like getting my present to him)…ok so that was the first downer…

We drink a few beers together…he drinks much more than I…so by the end of the night…he grabs me by the hand…and leads me out to the computer…mind you I HATE internet porn…im just really uncomfortable with it and he knows this but the other night i gave it a try watching with him…and wound up telling him if he watched it with me I would be ok with it every once in awhile…so yeah he leads me out to the computer after just doing it 2 nights earlier…so I wasnt ready for another dose yet…plus c’mon…I mean its coming up on valentines day…isnt that to focus on your partner if/when you have one…its about the love you share with them…so I asked him do we have to do this tonight…and his response was…well I thought since its almost v day (meaning he wanted to get it on)…then after that he stumbled…oh wait Im sorry…I didnt mean that (about the internet) …yeah I know he was drunk so he didnt realize he basically told me well I thought since it was almost v day we could look at other girls… Does he have any idea how much my heart fell after that…how hollow I felt…and how desperatly I fought back tears…it felt as though he was saying…Its v day…and I want to look at hot girls with you…cause you just arent enough…Valentines day is supposed to be special…supposed to share that time with your S.O. making them feel/know they mean the world to you….so why do I feel like shit now.

And yet…what was my response after my initial reaction…oh its ok babe…no biggie…we can look if you want…

cause I would have done anything he wanted…I would always do anything for him.

This is becoming my downfall…I am loosing selfesteem…I am losing myself…for him

For my love for him…

Thinking if I just hang on…just a little bit more…he will show me how special I am to him…that he will show me how much I mean to him…

but I am holding my breath too long…and someday soon…I fear it will all fall apart…I will look at myself in the mirror…and hate who I have become…clinging only to the one thing I have not screwed up so far….my daughter.

But my heart aches….it was like tonight was the last arrow it could take…I cant even bear to sleep beside him…I dont think I will be giving him that one gift tomorrow…I also have a card and a movie for him…I shall give him those…

and distance myself for awhile…I can not bear the pain…the disappointment…the hollowness anymore…as much as I love him…I can not take myself anymore