The now ever present fear...

I now know that if we didnt last he’d fight me for custody of her… “Why is it fair that you get her and I dont” his exact words…I’ll tell you why its fair…because I carried her for nine months…because I gave birth to her…because I wanted her from the second I found out about her…because even though I never left the house to go out to bars or clubs…and didnt have any guy friends…you still doubt she’s yours…because the only reason you signed that aknowledgement of paternity at the hospital is beacuse you still would have 60 days to contest it so you could still get the test done when you were ready…because I will be there for her more than you will be able to with how you work at least 55 hours a week and go to shhool part time…

Its fair because I am her mommy…because she is the center of my world…and because I will not hesitate to tell her each and every day that I love her…where you have already said those words are so hard for you to say…so you probably wont even say them to her…because even when she has a bad night (even though I occasionally get frustrated) I will never say I dont want to hold her…becasue “I’m not in the mood for her/ I’m done with her for now” (those were you exact words her first fussy night…granted like i said i get frustrated with her…and a lil’ loudly ask what do you want…kinda frustrated voice…but then I stop and realize…just because I’m tired and shes fussy…doesnt mean I can get mad at her…or “tired/sick” of her…shes only a baby

You will not take her from me…and how dare you threaten that…seems like you dont want us to work…like you are already planning for what to do when you are done with me…You will not win this fight buddy boy…I will fight you tooth and nail with everything I have to prevent you from taking her from me…Yes I do have a bad history of psych illness…and its not too far in the past…its only been 2 years…but that doesnt matter…I will not lose her…not now…NOT EVER!!!

You wanna go down that path buddy…go ahead…see what happens…you will NOT like the outcome…I guarentee it!!!

~My Angel~

I look into those eyes of yours and see a fresh life; a new start.

I hold your tiny hand in mine, realizing this tiny hand holds my whole heart.

My past mistakes and regrets seem to fade away.

With you came the dawning of a brand new day.

I see a new beginning…a future full of love.

You’re God’s special gift to me; sent here from above.

All my life I was waiting; for what I couldn’t say.

I found out what that was…on that special November day.

As soon as I saw your face, my doubts disappeared without a trace.

I finally knew exactally what to do.

I will always love you.

I will always care for you.

I will never be far from your side.

I will come when you call.

Pick you up when you fall.

I will dry every tear that you cry.

I will be your friend and teacher.

You may come to think; tormenter and preacher.

But always above all… your mommy.

Rough Times

It’s been rough these past few months…for both of us I know…I wonder sometimes…ok a lot where things are between us…

You say I’m being silly to ask…or to question…but you dont seem to understand where I’m coming from…When we found out about the baby…we werent even offically together…and you told me at that time that you werent even looking for anything serious with me at that time…we were “friends” (with benifits obviously) …then as soon as you found out you immediatly jumped into being us again. I think in a way you resent me for dumping this all on you…you even said when we get the paternity results back that’ll basically mean were engaged…why dont you trust me enough to ask me now…if you truly wanted to marry me…then you wouldnt hestitate…

It was your choice…but did you really stop to think about it…did I? Maybe I should have questioned your choice…maybe i should have said no! and made you stop to think a little more.

Always before what you gave me was good enough…maybe because in the long run as much as I knew I loved you…and wanted to be with you…maybe in the back of my head i didnt think we would last…I know thats sad to hear…and say but now I wonder…

Now I’m looking at it from a different angle…

When I say I love you…I cant picture going the rest of my life ( or extended future at least) …with the only response given is a grunt…if you do love me why cant you ever say it…or at least say it back?

When I ask you how I look…you say fine…always only fine…you never give any compliments either…and when i ask do you mean just fine (as in passable) or do you mean good…you roll your eyes at me like I’m crazy…Without understanding that I am a female…and need compliments to keep my self esteem up…Why is that so hard to do?

Even sometimes when I ask to cuddle with you…which we dont always get to do now…its sometimes to much of a pain…you dont have enough energy for me…and that hurts…I get very vulnerable…you knew this from the start…did you think I could just flip a switch and fix myself? Am I broken? Do I need to be fixed?

I need to hear the reassurance…that I’m pretty enough…that I’m good enough…that even when we fight…even when i piss you off…you still love me.

Was it just responsibility that got you to say you wanted me? Wanted us?

I cant go on this way if things dont change…I’ll just start to resent being here with you…I’ll start to resent myself because I will feel like I’m settling for less than I deserve…I asked you the other night if I deserved that deserved hearing the compliments…deserved hearing a response when I say those of so special words…and you said yes…but you still havent done anything different…

Did you mean that I deserved it…but just not from you?

I really don’t know anymore Bo…and I dont want to live the next few years desperatly trying to be happy about her…about us…while always sitting there questioning…always needing more…

But you’ll probably think I’m being needy…clingy…or something like that…maybe you never needed the reassurance babe…but I do…

I’m lost, confused, and a little broken now…please glue me back together …or let me go

Not enough

It’s all well and good that you work so hard to support us…and that you are looking towards the future by concentrating on school…but dont forget about us…

You woke up this morning…your first day off in awhile…and you couldnt even spend time with us before you rushed out the door…didnt even stop for a kiss goodbye from either of us… My heart has been filled with so much joy over this lil’ angel i hold every day…but at the same time it is breaking a little more each day…

I told you last night how I needed time with you…i need you to actually start giving me compliments to help my self-esteem right now…I feel a little lonely…It’s hard…this new job I have…it’s gonna take time before I relax into it more…not that I regret or resent any second of it…but it is still hard…especially when you work more than you used to because of not having enough managers at work…I miss you…I miss having you there to talk to…plus i get worried about a lot… wondering if I’m doing a good job…worried that i might do something wrong…even though I know I make a great mom…i still worry sometimes…

So i guess the point I’m trying to make…is that…I know you are a great daddy…i know you are busting your ass trying to make sure we have everything we need…but the most important thing is that you dont forget that we need you here too… so babe…dont forget about us

My angel

ok so November 8th now…she’s 6 days old now and I couldnt be happier… I will say the whole labor experience was horrid for the most part… it started at 11pm and as soon as they started me my contractions started coming 1min 1 & 1/2 mins apart but at that point they didnt hurt…they were just uncomfortable…Bo got to the hospital at about 2 am from work… and lucky he got there then cause they started hurting like a bitch…I couldnt move at all…without my stomach hurting…couldnt sleep at all either cause they were so painful and cause they were so close together… the other problem…if it wasnt a contraction hurting me…lil Kylie as active as ever even that morning…decided she wanted to kick when my stomach wasnt clenching from a contraction…so I got no break what-so-ever…That went on for about 5 hours all the time getting worse and worse…till finally my mom / bo and especially me fought with the doctors to get them to at least give me the shot in the butt for pain…ouch!!! And it didnt even help that much…

So finally at around 11 am they brought me down to the labor floor…and also FINALLY decided i was far enough along to get the epidurahl (sp?) …i was floating on cloud nine once that took effect… …ahh sweet relief at that point they also checked to see how ready i was…only 5 cms dialated at that point…. at about 12:30 they decided to let me pee…though i couldnt get up for it they stuck a cathador in me to drain it…shortly afterwards the contractions started hurting again…I told the nurse and she said to let her know if it got any worse….5 mins later I’m laying there screaming at my mom “I NEED TO PUSH” so the nurse comes back in…saying…”Well sometimes you get that urge so go ahead…but its gonna be another few hours before shes ready to come out…but let me take a look down there and see whats going on” …so she peaks her head down there as i satisify my urge to push…then all hell breaks loose…seems like they were wrong…she was ready to come out no matter what they said…so the nurse scrambles now OMG!!! SHE’S COMING!!! hits a buzzer and 5 people (a mix of doctors and nurses) come swarming into my room…all craziness from then on…

One nurse on my right side to hold my heel in the palm of her hand to brace on it for pushing…and guess who the lucky one was to hold the other side…Daddy :p …and he thought he’d be far away from actually seeing what was happening down there…no such luck…in the midst of pushing they ask me if I want them to put her on my stomach as soon as she comes out…before they even wash her up… me who was always grossed out by seeing that before… did i hesitate…no way… “yes go ahead put her there…please…please” …

Ok so I’m gonna skip how bad mannered I was to the doctors… telling one in particular to fuck off for touching me cause I wasnt pushing the way she wanted me to…or the mass amounts of me saying other things…basically boiled down to I CANT PUSH ANYMORE!!! and crying in between to Bo get her out…(he looked so helpless then) …And they did not help by trying to get me to touch the head as it was coming out…I sooo did not want to just touch her head…I wanted her out so I could hold her…but mainly at that point I just wanted the pain to end…

It was all worth it the second they put her on my stomach…She was beautiful… and it was such an amazing feeling to hold her…to see what he and I made together…to watch as our daughter took her first breath…had her first scream…the best part was that when they went to take her off of me to clean her up…she grabbed hold of my hospital gown…she didnt want to let go…

So now 6 days later… it still hurts to pee… my muscles are killing me…I’m soo sleep deprived its not even funny…I also can barely find time or energy to take a showere which i so desperatly need…But no way would I change a damn thing… Her birth was the best day of my life…She makes every bad choice …every bad mistake fade away…every tear worth while…and every smile that much brighter now…The feeling that I am even more complete now from having her…

I sit there at night with her (cause yes she’s a night owl just like mommy and daddy) …and just stare at her in wonder…trying to figure out what I did to deserve a child like her…what did i do to deserve to be so amazingly happy… and ya know what…I’ll never know…but she is mine…and I’ll never let her down…I’ll always be here for her…she’ll always be my little angel.