Big plans

I was thinking this morning....How I need to do something about my lack of confidence. I know exactally what I need to do to regain it. But those first few steps are terrifyig. First on my list is to start being immaculate. Keeping everything straight and in order. I have plenty of time to do it. My next step is exercise....I know if I push myself I can get to the weight I have always wanted. Then my piercings and tattoo. Maybe some new clothes. Go out just to have some down time. I know I can do that. For me.


So isnt it so funny that I could never do that for them! I couldnt give space...couldnt handle myself if I went out...always that fear loomed....and for no better reason than I did not give myself enough value.

I pray that ends today. Big plans floating around this head right now. I just pray I follow through on them. God itd be so nice to not be stuck in fear so much.

what if?

Have you ever truly thought about another life for yourself? I know everyone has probably wished for a better life...a different life at some point or another....but have you ever truly put thought into what that life should be like. If things were perfect and you could do anything you wanted to do...what would that be?

What would it take to make you happy?

Ive thought about this somewhat tonight. Itd be nice to have some money...To be able to splurge sometimes...be it on little things for myself or for those I care about. Id like to have a nice car. A small apt. Loft with a second full bedroom. Id like to be able to work desiging things....like invitations,and including photography. I want to keep working. I would do more things with my daughter...go see places. Even as far as going overseas as she gets older. Teach her about history up close.


But I wouldnt give up what I have now to have all that money. Right now I find joy in the little things. The joy of a new movie. Being able to chase eachother around with dart guns. All the simple things in life....that make it complete. The crazy urge to jump up and grab his hand to dance. To laugh and love freely and unsuspisciously. To be as close to fearless as possible in this crazy world.

please dont

I hate what you did to me. You made my mind and emotions a battlefield. You used my body as your own personal punching bag...or caged animal. Since usually it was only a threat...how far will to push before that fist doesnt just raise anymore? How many more times could I cry out to you to just love me....for me. ANd put me ahead of any other girls.


It destroyed something in me....almost completly. It still troubles me sometimes though....That still small voice that has echoed for years in my head. .....am I enough?

Thats something that never really goes away, isnt it? A part of me so lost....even now....that I cant seem to get things quiet right.

The fears, uncertanties, wondering. Not wanting to go back to that silence again. How is it that its so easy to crush things....but try to build them back seems damn near impossible sometimes.


Please dont be.....such a simple thing for me to ask of him....something I shouldnt have to ask....I shouldnt have to fear.....

please dont be like all of them.

Mean it when you say my past doesnt matter, mean it when you say you love me even as flawed as I am. Mean it when you call me velcro with that look in your eyes.

So simple....so small request...please dont


Lol then the song pops into my head...

Please dont say I love you...those words touch me way too deeply.....

Jewel- Near you always

That...is now.....

so this is today

Im clinging to the prayer that this wont fall apart. Im trying to fix something in myself that was broken long ago. But Im not sure where to start. If only wishes could be gran ted with a snap of your fingers....wouldnt that be nice and easy.

Here I stand a different person with all the same fears. But I dont know how to stop the caos in my head. On one hand Ive never been happier. So why do I sit here wondering when it will fall apart again. I wish I knew.

Its hard to let go of the feeling of not enough. I do everything for you. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I love you with all of my heart. So why am I always second guessing myself.

I know Im too clingy. And Im sorry for that. I dont give you the space you need. But what do you want from me. Do you want me to tear myself apart trying not to care. Trying to ignore all the hurt others have caused and pretend that I dont have insecurity issues. Its not you its me. The age old saying. But with that being said....how long until you get fed up with that. Will you leave because you cant take it anymore.


Dont ever compare me to her again. And yes saying youre just like my ex or you sound just like my ex is comparing me to that stupid cunt. I dont use that word lightly either. She destroyed you. Froze you out. Is that what you want me to do?

No I dont expect you to change everything to fit me. I know there are some things that I need to do different. But I just want you to love me despite it all. Its well and good to tell me of my faults....but what about all the good stuff.

You arent the same as all the past ones. But Im scared. You have more power to break me than anyone ever has before. I know if it happened I will pick myself and my daughter up off the floor and go on. And probably one day meet someone else. But it will be a broken person they all see.

I dont know how it happened so quick. How I feel so hard for you. Even a year later I am still astounded. I think I loved you before we got together. I loved that you made my daughter smile. I trusted you because she did. And she trusted even less easily than I did.

I know there wasnt much time between your ex leaving and me coming. But you chose it too.

Do you know I saw those texts from her. Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. and yes sad to say even the one of her asking if she could go to PR with you. I saw your responses too. Maybe thats why Im scared. I know she means nothing now. She proved time and time again who she was. Just as I have. And I know you called me every day you were gone. I know you missed me, I know you love me. But is it enough?

I see the shows on TV about weddings. I hear that new song marry me....and it brings me to tears every time. I wonder if my day will ever come. I dream of it with you. DId you know that? Ive always thought about it with the other ones. But I never wanted it with them. I wanted the life. That love that my grandparents had. I have all of it with you except the promise of forever. ANd with you I desperatly want it. I've made phone calls before and referred to you as my husband to make it easier to handle your stuff for you. And every time I do....every time someone calls you my husband. My heart swells with joy, pride and love. That terrifies me.

God there is something seriously screwed up with my head. Everyone in my life has walked away....at one time or another.....please dont be the same.

Love me even though Im a pain in the ass sometimes. Love me for all of my faults. Most of all. Dont break my heart. I wont be able to take it again. And most of all. I dont want her to go through that either.

If only I could disappear...sometimes I dream of a different life. Of me on my own somewhere out in Cali or Texas or something. Not having to care about anyone or anything other than myself. To do what I want when I want. But no I wouldnt give up my baby girl for the world. That life was not for me. Now I just have to figure out how to live my life the way it is.

*sigh* im just tired of feeling defeated. This should be the happiest time of my life...and it is...most days....then theres just the in between...where I am petrified...of losing it all.