Thoughts of you

Do you think to punish me for my actions and thoughtless words with your silence? With your unwillingness to pick up my phone calls...or to even call back? Your unwillingness to show that we matter...to show that you mean what you say when you say you care.

I find it sadly and pitifuly amusing now. Because it is not a punishment if it was supposed to be. All it does is ease my heart further into that coldness.

I'm already forgetting you in some ways...forgetting what it felt like in the safety of your arms...so that now that memory doesnt have me wanting or needing it any longer. I'm forgetting what it meant to be yours. For the truth is...You have lost so much of me already and do not try hard enough to get it back. I forget what it means to be a family, for you are not there as you should be....and so have built stronger the family consisting of only me and her.

So many days go by with not enough effort. And it makes it easier to let go. Makes me more willing to let it slip away then to fight for something that is harder than mist to hold onto.

You say that I dont give you credit about you stopping by more. I see that. I know you say you are trying. But you arent. I know if you look closer you would see that too. Words are so easily spoken...not so easily proved.

What reason do I have to see that you truly care. When you come here...you pay little attention to working things out with me. I know you miss your daughter...and I think thats all there is to it. Maybe just maybe if you showed some of the joy at seeing me that you show at seeing her...then maybe id believe.

You get angry when i call a few times in a row...but you do not even act a bf who would care enough to pick up when his girl called. But thats the problem...why should I trap myself into being the woman of a man who doesnt hold her in enough regard to call back...to pick up....to show love and to be willing to work through this...to be willing to talk about whats on your mind. To find a way to make things better.

I wonder if you just wait for me to give up completly. So that you will become the victim. So that you can say finally. well I wanted it to work but she didnt. She gave up.

I have spent so much time committed to you. But now I wonder...do you really truly deserve that committment? What have you done that has shown you deserve it. What have you said or shown me of love?

You show the barest amount of tolerance on the good days. Never asking how my days go? How am I? Never even calling to see how your daughter is. That day she was sick...did you even call the next day to see how she was feeling. No! You couldnt spare the time.

So tell me, why should I spare any more of my time to you? And if you were me...would you choose differently.

Im tired of loving a stranger. Once I thought I knew you....but over and over again....what I know slips away to shadows of a man wont let me in...who chooses to let me slip away. Who cares nothing of the hurt I am feeling...cares not enough to erase the uncertainty i feel deep in my heart...Will you be sorry when my head wins this battle of confusion? For if things do not change soon....it will.

holding onto a string

I wonder whats going on in your head. You say you want it to work. and sometimes you surprise me with the effort you put into it. But other times...most times. You dont seem to have the time.

I love you. I really do. But how much more of this can I take? This isnt a relationship. This is a joke right now. We barely see eachother. We never have any one on one time. And I feel like crying everytime you leave because its all so frustrating. Im reaching the end of my rope.

Damnit I reached the end a long time ago but kept grasping at the frayed edges trying to hold onto a string. It doesnt work anymore B. And I cant keep doing this. You want everything to be perfect. Want me to have a job and be set. Is it not enough to work on it with me out of work. Can you not help me figure things out. We have a daughter together. You barely even see her because your so damn busy with work. When b? When is it our turn to get your full attention?

When you decide its time...just know that the day you decide that...might be a day too late. the string cant hold forever

Does it get easier?

less confusing
? I cant seem to stop myself sometimes. I wish...I wish is was back in the day...I was a woman who could be standoffish...wearing those gowns...but I was a strong woman. I could hold my own and no matter how much it hurt...I would go on. But that one day....you would realize how you felt. I would be in danger and you would rescue me and never leave again.

Crazy huh? Like something out of those fairytales...or even the shit romance novels you so fondly made fun of em for reading. But life isnt like that. You cant go back...You dont rescue me. and I go on hurting...and it shows.

I wish I could explain to you, and show you how I felt. I know I keep aggravating you by saying one minute I want us to work...the next im tired of waiting. I wish I could show you the inside of my head.

That I am somewhat desperate...hating myself for being so. I am desperate when you told me there was no need to be. But you dont see it. That just once, one small time...I wish you would show you are not like all the rest.

We never started off right, not the first time...not even the second or third time. I pictured life so differently than what has happened. And not for the first time in my life...once again...I am scared.

Could you ever know the truly worst of me...and love me anyways. The question rings in my mind. Empty so it keeps bouncing around the walls bouncing off the secrets I have trapped there for such a long time.

On my good days, I know. I can live and go on without you. That maybe we truly werent meant to be. Sometimes I doubt if I even want it. But when the silence creeps in, when its dark out. That coldness settles over me once again. And Im still searching. My heart is drawn to you still. I gave it to you for so long so maybe thats what keeps it going back and forth.

But thats not what I want. I want to know that the man im with would love me anyways...no matter what my past holds. I want to know that even though I can be a psychotic pain sometimes...that you can ignore that and still see the woman you love.

I tried to take a good hard look at myself today. I couldnt figure out what I saw. Its like trying to wipe off the bathroom mirror after a long hot shower. Its clear for a moment...then it just gets fuzzy again.

To wipe away the blur. That would be so much better. Yet how can I expect anyone to understand me...if I cant understand myself. All the fears, pain, hopes and dreams all so jumbled.

Im frustrated. At myself mostly. Im so damn tired too. Of all of this. I wonder if this is what my father felt...if it was. I think I can almost understand why he did it now. Its hard enough to fight the world. But fighting yourself is damn near impossible. You always lose no matter what the outcome.

Is this pitiful?

That even through all the shit we've been through. I miss you. My head and heart simultaniously screm...I want to go home.

I got bad news today....struck deep and hard. My uncle died. I wanted you. I wanted you to hold me and say it would be ok. I wanted you to understand.

That day when I left....if only you had said. Dont go. I sit here trying to keep myself from being defeated...maybe it gets easier as I go...but right now I just keep wishing you would say...come home where you belong. That it should be so easy for you to want that.

Its all a dream. The family that pulls through...isnt for me I guess. My childhood dream and my adult hopes and wishes and prayers....are not to be answred the way I had wanted.

Im sorry....for every second I wasted with you. Im sorry....

I hate crying...so very much. And yet right now I cant seem to stop. I hate it...I hate myself for being so weak. I wish the hate overpowered the hurt. I wish I wasnt so weak. I wish I could turn a cold shoulder on this all...and move on through.

Some say congrats on moving on. Some say I shouldnt ask you anything. But I cant help it sometimes.

Does anyone know how much I loved you despite all our fights. Did you even. If you could feel the pain right now....it gets worse at night. I wish I could forget you.

But every time I look at her face. Its your eyes staring back at me. I love her to death....I would give up the world for her. But your eyes haunt me through her. Maybe someday they are right this will pass. But right now....its killing me inside and out.

They were right.

I was retarded to stay here. To hope and try. Granted I wasnt trying my best. But the things you said last night. Wow! I acted pissed. Like I didnt care. Want to know the truth. You couldnt have said anything that cut more deep.

"You are the worst mother I have ever seen" ...."i cant even look at you anymore"..."if I look at you again I'm going to be sick"

Lets just say I was foolish. To think you loved me all this time. To think love could win. To think it was enough.

I know the house is disgusting...but to end it because of that. You didnt even say anything about how much it was getting to you. You dont talk to me. I woke up when you got home...asked how your day was. Spent a few minutes talking to you. You seemed fine...then you woke me up at 4am to say all this. And drunk non the less. Piss drunk. Was it because of that that you said what you did...ended things when and how you did. I dont really care. Though I do wonder what brought it on...why last night...why that way.

Accusing me of never backing you up on how you felt...never saying anything to make it better. Thats not true...but believe what you want.

But its not like I care anymore anyways. With what you said...how you acted...I cant go back from that. Not even if you wanted to.

Everything I gave to you. Everything I felt...its all gone now. You win. I hope youre happy now.

Cause all I hear is the echo of your voice..... Worst mother...

and a small voice whispers back in my head...its not true. its not true. ....


They were right about us...we could never work. More than anything else with this. I just sit here right now...feeling very stupid.

A friendship lost

I have thought about you quiet a bit the past months. I wonder how you are...how life has been treating you. Mostly I wonder why you left with no word. I sent you an email....with a message that was strange...and probably came off way wrong. For that I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. TO hurt our friendship.

I was angry. Not at you...but at myself. And for some stupid reason I took it out on you. And lost you in the process.

Or is it that life has finally gone the way you hoped for you? If that is so, then i can not be hurt by this. I must be happy for you.

But it does hurt. same as it always does when I lose someone. Such a big part of my life...more than you realized....so it hurts when its over. A part of me I will never get back.

I knew it would happen. I told you...it was only a matter of time before it did. It just didnt happen as soon as I had expected. But in the end...it happened.

I wish you the best in life...in love...in everything. I wish you the best and say this last thing. Thank you. For every second you gave me. I wish those seconds could have lasted a lifetime. But thank you just the same. You are amazing in so many ways. And touched my heart so very much.

I will continue to miss you. As always. And here and there probably shed another tear at a friendship lost. Especially one as special as this.

asshat

Once again...back to being a fucking idiot >(

Its not like its bad enough that I have no car here...what happens if I have to go to the er for the baby? But to not have a fucking phone in case something happens to the house phone? Which it did tonight. While im sitting here waiting for a call back from the doctors office about the babay throwing up. and he says i have to wait about 45 fucking minutes before its even a possibility of him bringing home a new one.

If the fucking asshat had just bought me the cell phone he promised me for my birthday. He wouldnt have to be coming home at all.

fucking jerk off!! You better hurry your ass home for her