Does it get easier?

less confusing
? I cant seem to stop myself sometimes. I wish...I wish is was back in the day...I was a woman who could be standoffish...wearing those gowns...but I was a strong woman. I could hold my own and no matter how much it hurt...I would go on. But that one day....you would realize how you felt. I would be in danger and you would rescue me and never leave again.

Crazy huh? Like something out of those fairytales...or even the shit romance novels you so fondly made fun of em for reading. But life isnt like that. You cant go back...You dont rescue me. and I go on hurting...and it shows.

I wish I could explain to you, and show you how I felt. I know I keep aggravating you by saying one minute I want us to work...the next im tired of waiting. I wish I could show you the inside of my head.

That I am somewhat desperate...hating myself for being so. I am desperate when you told me there was no need to be. But you dont see it. That just once, one small time...I wish you would show you are not like all the rest.

We never started off right, not the first time...not even the second or third time. I pictured life so differently than what has happened. And not for the first time in my life...once again...I am scared.

Could you ever know the truly worst of me...and love me anyways. The question rings in my mind. Empty so it keeps bouncing around the walls bouncing off the secrets I have trapped there for such a long time.

On my good days, I know. I can live and go on without you. That maybe we truly werent meant to be. Sometimes I doubt if I even want it. But when the silence creeps in, when its dark out. That coldness settles over me once again. And Im still searching. My heart is drawn to you still. I gave it to you for so long so maybe thats what keeps it going back and forth.

But thats not what I want. I want to know that the man im with would love me anyways...no matter what my past holds. I want to know that even though I can be a psychotic pain sometimes...that you can ignore that and still see the woman you love.

I tried to take a good hard look at myself today. I couldnt figure out what I saw. Its like trying to wipe off the bathroom mirror after a long hot shower. Its clear for a moment...then it just gets fuzzy again.

To wipe away the blur. That would be so much better. Yet how can I expect anyone to understand me...if I cant understand myself. All the fears, pain, hopes and dreams all so jumbled.

Im frustrated. At myself mostly. Im so damn tired too. Of all of this. I wonder if this is what my father felt...if it was. I think I can almost understand why he did it now. Its hard enough to fight the world. But fighting yourself is damn near impossible. You always lose no matter what the outcome.