through the cracks

Hurt me; Heal me; Let me breath.
Hold me; show me...wheres the key?
Could you open up my mind for me,
see the things I see?
Explain in simple words...
why this has to be.

Tell me what to do...
cause Im falling hard.
Slipping through the cracks,
lost in thoughts.

Rymes dont explain...
the things i see inside...all these twisted lies.

Running only never
to get caught.

My life flashes by like a slideshow in the mirror.
No titles shown, to explain the show.
Confused...doesnt cut it.
Leaves an empty hole inside.

Running back to my only release.
One more time.
One more scar.
One more chance to heal the wounds.
Something not even I can explain...

understand...hear...see...please...cant you?
Dont! nevermind.
Leave it here to die.
an empty hole inside filled with dirt.
doesnt hurt.

Live just to be broken once again.

Drunk ramblings

I'm an ass...in so many ways..insecurities rule sometimes...can you hear me? No! didnt think so. I am small and insignicant...in so many ways so many times. Can you reach through my insecurities to see me? Didnt think so...No one would want that much baggage. You want to be my friend? Shit can you deal with me and the bullshit that I include. What is this for? What am I for? I do my fucking best for her...but is it enough will it ever be enough. Are you really there? Or just waiting to screw me over? What are you doing now...what will you do...Why?

Can I turn back to my old friend...and let the tears fall again....i want to...more than anything i so desperatly want to...just to feel something...to see something real...

i am pitiful...i am lonely...i am having a pity party right now.

You will judge me for this...You will say omg look at that dumb bimbo. Yet you will never understand. You will never see the way my head works...you will never see my fears...the cause of tears...You will never see me.


Whatever though...just let it go

so why is it...

that every time things start to go wrong...i think the worst of it? I do this with friends sometimes...with thinking they really dont like me or talk about me behind my back...or whatever...

and i do this in relationships...when it seems the guy im with is not happy...i imagine the worst...

maybe cause it always seems to happen...Ive been bailed on 3 times already when it got rough. It makes it hard to trust...especially when youve been bailed on before and gave it another shot...whats to keep him from bailing again.

so where to draw the line? Do i let myself become cold and numb...thinking this is as good as it gets...or do i keep fighting for it...over and over again never getting past this fear that is like a parasite to my heart and soul. That drags me down to the pit...and stomps me till i feel like i cant breath...like i'll never be whole again.

Trust...

Something so easily lost...but so hard to gain. It is the single most important thing in people that determines their lives. How they face the world...how they face themselves. And when you do something you know will make you lose someones trust...even if they don't know about it...you lose you're own ability to put trust in people. Because it leads you to think. Well if I got away with it they can too...or they can get away with anything. So what to do. When this happens. When you've made a mistake that can maybe cost you everything you ever dreamed about. Something that has cost you before...no matter if you did it or they did....but how to gain back trust from and in that person.

Its a hard road. One I hate to travel. I dont trust easily....and even when I think I do trust it is always so shaky. I find it hard to believe...anything good sometimes.

So what do you put your trust in.

Love? I don't know as of now. Love is so frail nowadays. No one seems to want to work through anything. You just reach a hard point and throw in the towel. Maybe one person still fights...but the other has given up completely and is just waiting for an out. And when the only person left fighting has become so lost and so tired of it all...is somewhat losing themselves...they have no choice but to concede...Then you realize later what you had.... but cant get it back once its gone.

Friends? Maybe some...but how to tell which to trust and which not too...then comes the overwhelming problem of always being screwed over throughout life...and it makes it hard to trust...not to mention hard to let people in so you don't even let them close enough to see the real you and they pass judgment on one action...your own fault really...cause you gave them a picture of you that wasn't true...so they didn't understand your choices...as much as you never meant to hurt anyone....always you sit there wishing they could see you for who you really are...read between the lines. Though there are few and far between that have my full trust...in every way. That know who I am...have heard my deepest thoughts...and darkest secrets...ones i consider family.

Family? Desperately try to...but how do you do that when you weren't even wanted by one...some gave up on you and walked away when you most needed them...and still others...well they want you to be perfect...and when you aren't...you just don''t really belong. But they are always there when the sun shines...and no matter how much you aren't sure...you love them besides it all.

Material things? NEVER! they can be lost easier than the air you breath.

Hope? Hope is what i trust...cause its all i have sometimes...hope that the hand of fate can not always be cruel. That things will work out in the end. That even through the storms...I will survive to dance in the rain another day...