Life lately

So many changes. Some easier to handle than others. I am just a few weeks away from getting my diploma finally. I cant wait for that. I am proud of myself for finally doing it. It's an incredible feeling. Easier to do when I have such a wonderful man in my life who is always encouraging me to do more...to be my best. I also had the wonderful support of my 5 year old daughter. Who also tells me on a daily basis how proud she is of me. lol its too cute really.

The changes not so easy have been that my love is currently liveing in a different state. Only 3 hours away but it is hard sometimes. We've seen him every weekend so far since hes moved (he got a better job down there). Though I know he wont always be able to come down every weekend and that day will kill when he cant make it. I live for my weekends right now. When my family is complete as it should be. I try not to get so down about it but sometimes those fears creep up on me.

Im doing so much better in having faith in "us" faith in him and myself. I have started counseling. Which also helps. Its been easier to seperate what is real and what are creations of fears and insecurities. Usually now more than before I can stop the panic that creeps up. But some nights I still feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Its hard when we lived together for 2 years. I had him coming home to me everyday of those 2 years...and now....it just seems so empty some nights.

I've been told that Im not a strong person. But Im finding my strength now. I just hope and dream of the day when our family will be together in the same house again as i should be. I worry most for my daughter right now. She is a daddys girl through and through. But shes handling it all well so far. With the occasional tears when he leaves but she trusts him whole heartedly. SHe knows without a doubt when he says hes coming home for her...he will. It does my heart good to see that. To know it means that much to him...and to her.

For the first time in my life I am truly able to trust someone. Its scary sometimes...and yes sometimes my trust falters. But thats the fear talking. Even when we were having our problems....He never left me. He never let me down. He has been the one person in my entire life to truly be here for me. No mater what. That has meant the world to me. It has helped start the healing process on so many old wounds. Giving birth to a new, stronger me.

I could never tell him how much he means to me....to both of us. So here I am...always working towards my future. To bring my family back together in full. To fulfill the dream I have of forever with him. Its an incredible feeling.

Thank you God...for bringing him into our lives. For knowing how much we needed him.

Thank you love...for catching us and not letting go. For filling that void inside our hearts. For loving us so much. Words oculd never say enough of how much you mean to us. You have healed so many hurts...and continue to do so everyday we are with you. I would be proud to stnad by your side forever. I would be honored to share your name. I would love to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Its what you deserve...and so easy to do. You have all of me my love. ~te amo mi corazon~ always and forever.....my life changed for the best the day we got together....I wouldnt trade a single moment spent with you. And I dream everyday of whats to come.....wishing you were here....cant wait to see you again love.

Not today

It turns out nothing ever changes sometimes.
Dreams are once again dashed upon the rocky shores.
Night settles down.

You take a deep breath cuddle deep inside your blankets.
Cry those tears that never see the light of day.
Shake your head, straighten up.
Standing tall as you can.

I will face today.
It will all be ok.
I know what I am worth
Im choosing now.

Step back, fade into the crowd.
Another day....but not today.

You see naive, somewhat a fool.
Trust me when I say Im not so blind and ignorant as you think.
The truth always comes out.

My reasons are my own,
but I can stand without you.
Breath easier without you.
Dream of a future not frozen in chains,
Insecuritys domain.

Off to fly now....another day...just not today

The truth comes out

So you got in a fight with your best friend....and the truth came out. "man up and tell your bitch that shes just a cusion..." "youve been talking shit about her for 2 years" ....hmmm really makes me kinda wonder. Its an odd feeling inside right now. Almost frozen again. Distant from the rest of whats going on. I could get used to this. I can put you at a distance.... for the first time...I can seperate. I am excited about school for me. Excited at the things I am going to accomplish. Though theres this part of me growing that knows you wont stay to see the places I will make it.

I will be ok. She will be ok. We are a team. I have always taught her that and she knows it right down to her core. We can breath without you.

You stayed for thanksgiving....giving some bullshit story about how you didnt want to deal with traffic. I think you had 2 very different and specific reasons. First off: K. wasnt going. 2nd off: You wonder....if just maybe you got away with out me seeing what Billy and Michelle said. You wonder if you made it by the skin of your teeth. But you feel guilty so just in case, you stuck around. Trying to butter me up or something. So the real question becomes.....was it because you truly care and are worried you fucked it up....or at least feel bad about hurting me.....or you just want to "protect" your "cushion" keep me happy till you figure it out.

the questions keep on rolling....do I even really care anymore?....Ive got my little girl.....we dont need anyone else. Especially someone who doesnt want to be here anyways. I wont let another man use me. And especially not make her think she matters and then walk away.


oh and not to mention that everyone seemed to know about NJ before me. Like Michelle saying you didnt tell me cause you needed a place to live....and Pat even knew....you havent talked to him in forever how did he know...and you didnt correct him last night either....when he said good luck in NJ. You didnt tell him you werent going. I should question that today.....breath....keep distant....protect....guard.

quick

I just want to run to you. I wish I could curl up in your arms and lie there till this all gets better. But I cant. Thats been taken away from me. All of it falls to pieces. And this hurts...more than I can bare....I lost my best friend too

Hey God its me again...

Same old story God. It kinda really hurts. The pain is echoing off every wall and hidden crevice of my heart. To give anything to go back to the begining....to cherish one more laugh one more long day snuggling. Ouch! Too much now,


I keep going back between tears and hollowness. Between being resigned...and knowing you've already made your choice. I guess somewhere in the darkness there still whispers that small dream....for once it'd be me. Im sorry. Im sorry I was not enough to make you happy. Im sorry I ever first kissed you. You made me believe in a future. In the promise of forever. Forever came too soon.

I wish you the best in life, in love, in friendship. Good luck on your job interview. Im sure you'll do well in NJ. Thanks for letting me know ahead of time. Looks like you figured your way out after all. Thanks for using me. You could have bypassed the kiss goodnight the saying I love you...the sex. While planning this behind my back the whole time. You could have been more than that. But thank you. I am already getting a little bit stronger...

Please dont spare much thought for me and her. We will be fine. We've always got eachother. Shes already survived one dad walking out on her. Now we know. I wont risk her poor heart again. Not for anyone.

So this is it huh? All those days led up to this. They say better to have loved and lost....I disagree now. Can I go back please? To before you....you promised not to break my heart...You broke every promise you ever made me...

At least you'll finally have your space and privacy....you can focus on your son. Again I wish you the best...even through the pain

fuck it

Im done with the bullshit. I no longer give a damn. I refuse to. I dont need you to tell me I look prety or to make me feel good. I give more than you deserve. Yeah maybe that sounds kinda spiteful. But I dont give a fuck right now. I just dont give a shit. Keep your porn Ill be happy with my toys and the occasional good fuck from you. Whenever you can muster up the energy. Oh but wait make sure you make a trip to the bathroom first with your phone to help you get ready.

Yeah I am kinda psycho thats what I think. Thats what youve reduced me to feeling like is going on with all your fucking sneaky shit. Maybe if you tried to make me feel better instead of sneaking around. I could actually get past the hurt and have something good come of it.

But nope! that would never happen in a million years. Cause you just cant care enough to try to understand. Or at least support me with it. Piss off!

You want bitch? Youre about to see her. keep pushing....keep with the snide comments. I will not break again. And definitely never again for you.

I get it. I get that youre stressed....but I deserve better than this half assed shit youve been giving me.

If I was brutally honest with myself...Id ask how long? really how long has this been going on.

Secrets never stay where they should ya know. Reality bites. so do birthdays...by the way thanks for making this one so special...it was yet another in the long line for sure...though maybe not that far.

Heres a suggestion

If youre not in the mood to rough house like we usually do.

A. Dont start it. and

B. if you dont want to be pinned ya could always just stop moving and say seriously not in the mood. Instead of leaving a welt from pinching me :( (and you say thats all you could do to get me off. I could think of a few different ways)

ummm...hello hypocrit. Dont pin me then. Dont flick me, dont try to rough house.....if you cant do it without getting frustrated the very few and far between times i get the best of you. Then dont do it at all. Dont get mad at me for not listening when you say stop when you keep flicking still. Dont get mad at me for not listening when you dont either.

stop being so damn stubborn competitive and hypocritical. >( and hey....saying sorry goes a lot farther than getting defensive.

Hi pissy pants...meet angry housewife!!!!

I know you are stressed and wound tight right now....but lets try not taking it out on the person who does anything and everything for you. Theres an idea.