thoughts of the night...and forever to come

I made a realization tonight...about a few things. Knowing me...you'd see someone who hides too much. I know this...and now I know...I'm done. I may not have the body I dream of....or even the one I used to have...but Im ok with that. I can do my own things to make it better a bit at least. But the reason I am this way...I would never regret it. I am proud of my body. It is mine.

I have spent so many months wasted...living online...hiding in my house not going out for walks even. Upset because I have few friends who live nearby to call on. But I have done nothing to rectify that. It's funny but the past few days have been amazing for me. No my bf is still not even sleeping in the same bed as me....no he hasnt turned romantic all of a sudden. I am happy because of me. My house is clean...all laundry done now. I have been spending more time just relaxing and playing with my daughter. My smile for once that appears to the outside world...is real.

I may not have the perfect life...but it is what I make of it. Let go of the bad things...for with them dragging me down...I couldnt get my head above water before. Im not drowning anymore though. No matter what happens in my life...in my relationship...I am me...I am never alone because of this. There is always someone there....ME. The years will pass by and even shorter than that...the weeks and days to come. But there will always remain now and forever this part of me. So from now on...even when things hit the worst...There will be that part in my head that says... HEY YOU! LISTEN UP HERE! You arent alone...you arent pathetic...you are you. You may not be someone you were always proud of...But you are getting there. You are strong...determined...stubborn...you can make it.

So sitting here tonight being completly exhausted...i am more relaxed than ever...

I may not be 100% happy right now...but I feel 100% free...for the first time in a long time...I can breath. My dreams are my own...my goals are mine to fight for. My life is mine to guide where I want it to go. So...Im stepping up to the plate now....man this is gonna be a great ride.