You want to know me? Who i am...
I am broken...lost...confused. I always have been. I am the girl who has spent most of her life weak and crying. Since I was young, feeling as though i wasnt good enough and not doing a damn thing to change it. I am the girl who always dreams of fairytales...but never sees them come true. I am the girl who has felt like i was nothing because even her dad didnt want her...didnt think i was enough to live for...i am the girl who has stolen from her family...lied and cheated before to get what i wanted cause i didnt think the truth or good was a way to get what i wanted...or what would make me happy.
I am the girl who has been raped...literaly and figurativly...I have had my innocence stolen and made excuses for the thief. I have hated...always hated who i was...who i am. I have the scars to prove it. Could you love even the scars...could you acceopt and look past them?
I am the one who always messes up...always feels as though im wrong. I am the one who dreams of love...pure and true...but knows deep down no one could love this.
I have crossed the lines...done things i regret...done things to make me hate myself even knowing how i would feel that way, cause i didnt care.
I have lied to those i loved...cause i didnt care...cause i couldnt admit it.
I am lost...alone....hurt...broken...ashamed most of all. I can find nothing good in myself...though i find one good thing ive done. My daughter....
But she scares me even...it scares me that i will fail her...That i will be a bad influence on her...that i will lie to her and hurt her as i have done through out my life. That always above all i am not good enough.
that i will never find anyone that will be the man i dream of...accepting of all of me....every thing i have done...someone who can see potential and love me above all of it...someone who will love my daughter too as i will...someone who even though they are not her birth father...will love her as a dad does...
but i am me...broken, scared, hurt, a mess....i am a failure...in every way. I am lost....no one would want that...
I know guys...i know they want confidence in a woman...they want someone who fights for things...and as i fight...i lose myself...i am weak...ignore me please
tonight i am drunk.
but on the other side...still after all i believe in love...i dream of things i cant imagine...i wish for things and try even now knowing they might not come true...i am solid in what i feel good or bad...i will try for us in a way that most people think are stupid cause it gives me hope...i will put anyone before myself...it would make my year to make another smile for a lifetime....am i so bad afterall? i dream of love...of happiness...of acceptance...i dream of being all that i am not...most of all...i dream of accepting who i am...and making it something worthwhile
I am here for my friends...they matter more than anything...well second place to my daughter...but all of them come before...
and still i dream...always dream
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And in all this, you forgot one thing.. You are.. My Friend, My shoulder, My sister, my Faith and My hope,
Because What you dont see in yourself, I see in you, With every word you write, and every thought you share, I see the beauty that is always there.
You are my friend, because you see me for more then I see myself, you understand, and never Judge,
You are my shoulder, because you not only listen, but you hear,
You are my Sister, because you have found a place forever in my heart, that very few want to be placed.
you are my faith, and My hope, because in you I see strength that I could only hope to Possess, You offer kindness when my heart is weak, and you offer Truth, even when I cant see.
I would take all your pain, to know you have happiness, unable to erase your mind, know that, for all that you are, Your Still a Friend of mine.
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