Near The End

I sat there with a blade tonight, almost not caring what was right.
The pain builds, the fears kills, emptiness left inside.
Need you, want more…more than what you give.
The love I have for you fighting the anger…which will live through the war?
I take more than I can take…pushing you away.
Trying to keep you closer than you are.
Heed this cry…befor we die…Our chance is almost gone.
Every step the wrong way….everything done wrong.
Saddness overwhelming…empty in the soul.
Only one light left to guide my way.
One reason to keep going.
One reason left to live.
I’ve given to you all I had to give.
I deserve more than this.
To know love’s a precious gift.
I should feel special in every single way.
Not a burden, not a pain.
There is happiness to gain.
Will you take the chance or just walk away.
Time is running out…whichever way you choose to go…
Choose it fast.

Crappy feeling

I realized today…or maybe last night…that i am slightly jealous of my own daughter…I dont hold it against her…its not that kind of jealousy…is it even jealousy though…maybe it could more be described as envy…those words are so easy for him to say to her…he says it on a daily basis…but still i never hear them…I never hear him say …I love you

It’s a sad feeling whatever word you use to describe it…and it makes me wonder sometimes…why is it so hard for you to say…If you did….so I get the feeling …that you really dont.

My heart hurts…this gaping hole is getting bigger the more and more I think about things…the more I realize things are not how I wish they could be… No matter how many happy days we have now…they never truly feel happy to me…cause I know not too far away…these feelings will creep back up on me…

I dont feel like you love me for me… I think you love me only for her sake

Too much...too many

There are just way too many thoughts running through my mind today…about you …about me…about us… I wish I could make sense of them all…even more so I wish I could put them all out of my head…

tired of bouncing back and forth of happy and scared…it only takes a split second to change now…am I pushing you away more and more? I know I do a lot of it on purpose…but I cant seem to stop myself. Please just shake me…as hard as you can…yell at me to stop… tell me no matter what I do you wont leave so stop pushing…

Do you feel like that though? You told me once that when the bad gets to be more than the good…we just keep fighting on for us…do you still think that way…or have I pushed you to the edge already?

Never Alone

You cried last night when I put you to bed….just as you do every night when i put you in there before you are fast asleep. I listened for a few minutes feeling so rotten for leaving you there screaming….then feeling more rotten as I pulled you out when I could no longer just sit there hearing it. Feeling rotten for pulling you out cause I know that I must get you used to falling asleep by yourself and on time…

It wasnt because I hated hearing the cry that I went to get you…I can stand the crying no problem…but it was out of desperation… My desperate need to let you know that I am here…That I will always be here and that you are not alone. I know you are too young to make thoughts like that…just from one night of having to cry yourself to sleep. Maybe it is based off my own feelings though. That there are so many times when I feel so alone…so many nights I have cried myself to sleep and I know how awful it feels.

Does it feel the same with you? Or do you not even remember it in the morning?

Am I doing it right with you? What if I screw up? Why cant I just do what I think is best without second guessing myself all the time?

I am sitting here now typing away as you take a nap…and my ears perk up to every sound…are you awake? … are you having a bad dream…do you need me? …

And whether it is good for you or not…I will come the second you call…I will always come.

No this does not mean you will get your way with everything or even most things when you grow older…but it means that you will never have to feel as though you have no one to turn to…I want you to know…perhaps need you to know even now…that I will come whenever you call…

You are starting to whimper now….so my angle…I am coming…