The truth comes out

So you got in a fight with your best friend....and the truth came out. "man up and tell your bitch that shes just a cusion..." "youve been talking shit about her for 2 years" ....hmmm really makes me kinda wonder. Its an odd feeling inside right now. Almost frozen again. Distant from the rest of whats going on. I could get used to this. I can put you at a distance.... for the first time...I can seperate. I am excited about school for me. Excited at the things I am going to accomplish. Though theres this part of me growing that knows you wont stay to see the places I will make it.

I will be ok. She will be ok. We are a team. I have always taught her that and she knows it right down to her core. We can breath without you.

You stayed for thanksgiving....giving some bullshit story about how you didnt want to deal with traffic. I think you had 2 very different and specific reasons. First off: K. wasnt going. 2nd off: You wonder....if just maybe you got away with out me seeing what Billy and Michelle said. You wonder if you made it by the skin of your teeth. But you feel guilty so just in case, you stuck around. Trying to butter me up or something. So the real question becomes.....was it because you truly care and are worried you fucked it up....or at least feel bad about hurting me.....or you just want to "protect" your "cushion" keep me happy till you figure it out.

the questions keep on rolling....do I even really care anymore?....Ive got my little girl.....we dont need anyone else. Especially someone who doesnt want to be here anyways. I wont let another man use me. And especially not make her think she matters and then walk away.


oh and not to mention that everyone seemed to know about NJ before me. Like Michelle saying you didnt tell me cause you needed a place to live....and Pat even knew....you havent talked to him in forever how did he know...and you didnt correct him last night either....when he said good luck in NJ. You didnt tell him you werent going. I should question that today.....breath....keep distant....protect....guard.

quick

I just want to run to you. I wish I could curl up in your arms and lie there till this all gets better. But I cant. Thats been taken away from me. All of it falls to pieces. And this hurts...more than I can bare....I lost my best friend too

Hey God its me again...

Same old story God. It kinda really hurts. The pain is echoing off every wall and hidden crevice of my heart. To give anything to go back to the begining....to cherish one more laugh one more long day snuggling. Ouch! Too much now,


I keep going back between tears and hollowness. Between being resigned...and knowing you've already made your choice. I guess somewhere in the darkness there still whispers that small dream....for once it'd be me. Im sorry. Im sorry I was not enough to make you happy. Im sorry I ever first kissed you. You made me believe in a future. In the promise of forever. Forever came too soon.

I wish you the best in life, in love, in friendship. Good luck on your job interview. Im sure you'll do well in NJ. Thanks for letting me know ahead of time. Looks like you figured your way out after all. Thanks for using me. You could have bypassed the kiss goodnight the saying I love you...the sex. While planning this behind my back the whole time. You could have been more than that. But thank you. I am already getting a little bit stronger...

Please dont spare much thought for me and her. We will be fine. We've always got eachother. Shes already survived one dad walking out on her. Now we know. I wont risk her poor heart again. Not for anyone.

So this is it huh? All those days led up to this. They say better to have loved and lost....I disagree now. Can I go back please? To before you....you promised not to break my heart...You broke every promise you ever made me...

At least you'll finally have your space and privacy....you can focus on your son. Again I wish you the best...even through the pain