forever and always

Taylor Swift: Forever and always...... thats what comes to mind now-a-days. Dunno why Im feeling like this really. Actually I do. I know its depression. But the root of all fears is valid. Thats what my depression is. Its fear. Too good to be true. I get so scared it makes me want to just stop. Stop caring...stop feeling....stop loving...even stop laughing. Because as much as laughter is good. It just makes the pain that much harder to bear because through the pain you remember how good it could be and it kills to think you may never feel that again. Never feel.... would I miss it? Just drop everything and disappear. A new life. no strings...no worries. Me and me alone for the long ride. Do I dream of it. but so many things hold onto me. Mainly that little angel who is so defiant...so stubborn and smart. So adorable lovable and sweet. She has my heart strings forever. That girl is what keeps me going. Always has been. Even before she was born. I wanted her. Maybe thats why this isnt so easy anymore....because in reality we are only allowed one dream come true in life. And she was mine. Im good with that. I am a surviver....a fighter....I will cope. For her...always and forever for her. Still small picture in my mind. A lifetime forever...hand in hand. You could be the one for us. And it terrifies me....more than you could ever know.

Things I'll never say

You like to act like you're perfect....but You arent. Not at all. For all your talk....all your promises. You were like them. For awhile. You think its ok because for all you know. I have no clue about what went on. I bet you dont ever give your actions a second thought now do you? Or could it be that possible you do....and every once in awhile you might feel a tinge of guilt.

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me....(yes)...yes?...(yes.)

Do you miss me?.....(yes)....did you like seeing me the other day...(yes)...whos your princess....(you are)

Are you gonna miss me?....(yes) ....Can I go to PR with you.....(sure)


You arent like them? Hmmm maybe I really do need to get my head checked. You say we moved fast....You forget how much you pushed at the begining?

(Can you handle all my love? can you be happy with this forever?)

Is it a wonder I fell. You loved my little girl from the start.....she trusted you. It felt like a dream with you. I never thought possible....and it scared me at first. Then I started believing too. I trusted you.

Not to mention...the countless times you stopped to see her. Did you spend weekend days with her? How many times did you take her shopping? How many minutes/ hours did you spend on the phone with her?

But it all stopped when you got back from PR. I was so scared when you left. I bet you didnt know how much I was fighting myself when you left....did I want to be there when you got back? Was there a point....or should I run before we fell any harder for you. I was so scared for girlie.

But you called...every day...you called me. Not her. You texted me....you didnt get mad that you had to dole out another $300 bucks for a new ticket cause I messed up the days and it was non refundable.

You made me feel like I was the best thing in the world. And oh boy was girlie ever glad when you came home. She held on so tight.....didnt want to let go.

But there were still issues....you told her out of respect for me you didnt want to see the dog....but every time she showed up with him....and every time she called you for him...You went running. Almost let her have the dog come here too. If it wasnt for me pointing out that I would have to be the one to muzzle him...You had already said yes to her. Without talking to me. Then went back and told her no after I reminded you of all that other stuff. The muzzle...your words....how the dog is around kids.

First thought was for her though. Then me.

Though I know you did what was best for us in the end. That first reaction still hurt. Though I know how much you love him....still.

Then lets see the other one....you took kyle to see her. I know you say shes just a friend...she has called you sexy on facebook.....you say there wasnt anything between you guys she was old enough to be your mom. Bullshit. I saw the message she sent you...stating how you guys wouldnt work out. She thought you needed a spanish woman. But she cared very deeply about you.
With all that....and you couldnt even tell me you stopped by to see her with your son. I know its your life. I dont want a say in where you go or who you see. Just be able to be honest enough to tell me. If you have to hide stopping to see a female friend....why? ....hmmm

Then lets move on to her....the one who claims you are her "other boyfriend" I know theres nothing there...but she oversteps sometimes. I am jealous of her....but I have to wonder with the way you talk about her.....do you ever wonder.....

So yes....Ive been snappy lately....I get upset. I do so much...but its the little things....I was desperate for a rub down....you promise full body masage....you promise a nice romantic night...Crash! On so many little things crash!

Snappy. Trying to get past this because in the end you made a final choice with me and her. Because in the end. every day is better with you in it. We love you so much...But its hard to get back that new trust in you. And because I know....if I ever told you all of this. I would lose your trust too. I was sneaky with finding it all out. So its a catch 22....and I hate myself for doing it again.....I hate myself partially.....for loving you so much. It hurts. after you I guarentee...theres no one else.


So yes. Ive been snappy lately....it all kinda caught up with me

So I sit here. Putting on the face that everythings perfect. That Im living the dream. But theres so many doubts and insecurities now....That Im stuck in a nightmare sometimes. I know IM already velcro...but I could really use a night where it is all about me....all about us. Kinda over the top a little. Remind me what I have to the full extent. I wonder if Im fooling everyone.

Things I'll never say....~