ignore me please

I want more than this...more than meets the eye.
I want you to hold me when i even cry.

I want the sun to shine on days the tears fall down like rain.
And when im standing in the crowd let me in.

I want you to come to bed and hold me through the night.
I want you to tell me its ok,
tell me my life is worth while.

Tell me all my past mistakes dont make you sick.
Tell me you love who I am...
no matter what.

Tell me...
Show me...
Help me...
grow.

Can you hear my anger...
Can you stop the pain.
All this pain..pouring down like rain.

Can you change my mind.
Bring me back in time.
Show me all my doubts...
are worth fighting now.

Show me love.
Show me passion.
Show me lifes not just one way.

Please wont you hear my cry...
before i die inside.

Please forgive me.
For i know not what i do...
Please look past this.
The anger i include.

Save me now...
Show me how to live.
Show me love is true.
Show me how to forgive all i have done.

Ignore this cry...
ignore the foolishness inside please wont you.

Ignore all that i am...
all that i do.

please wont you.

this is me...at least tonight...warning you probably dont want to read this...drunk thoughts some not true...most true...i cant help what i think now

You want to know me? Who i am...

I am broken...lost...confused. I always have been. I am the girl who has spent most of her life weak and crying. Since I was young, feeling as though i wasnt good enough and not doing a damn thing to change it. I am the girl who always dreams of fairytales...but never sees them come true. I am the girl who has felt like i was nothing because even her dad didnt want her...didnt think i was enough to live for...i am the girl who has stolen from her family...lied and cheated before to get what i wanted cause i didnt think the truth or good was a way to get what i wanted...or what would make me happy.

I am the girl who has been raped...literaly and figurativly...I have had my innocence stolen and made excuses for the thief. I have hated...always hated who i was...who i am. I have the scars to prove it. Could you love even the scars...could you acceopt and look past them?

I am the one who always messes up...always feels as though im wrong. I am the one who dreams of love...pure and true...but knows deep down no one could love this.


I have crossed the lines...done things i regret...done things to make me hate myself even knowing how i would feel that way, cause i didnt care.

I have lied to those i loved...cause i didnt care...cause i couldnt admit it.

I am lost...alone....hurt...broken...ashamed most of all. I can find nothing good in myself...though i find one good thing ive done. My daughter....

But she scares me even...it scares me that i will fail her...That i will be a bad influence on her...that i will lie to her and hurt her as i have done through out my life. That always above all i am not good enough.

that i will never find anyone that will be the man i dream of...accepting of all of me....every thing i have done...someone who can see potential and love me above all of it...someone who will love my daughter too as i will...someone who even though they are not her birth father...will love her as a dad does...

but i am me...broken, scared, hurt, a mess....i am a failure...in every way. I am lost....no one would want that...

I know guys...i know they want confidence in a woman...they want someone who fights for things...and as i fight...i lose myself...i am weak...ignore me please

tonight i am drunk.

but on the other side...still after all i believe in love...i dream of things i cant imagine...i wish for things and try even now knowing they might not come true...i am solid in what i feel good or bad...i will try for us in a way that most people think are stupid cause it gives me hope...i will put anyone before myself...it would make my year to make another smile for a lifetime....am i so bad afterall? i dream of love...of happiness...of acceptance...i dream of being all that i am not...most of all...i dream of accepting who i am...and making it something worthwhile

I am here for my friends...they matter more than anything...well second place to my daughter...but all of them come before...

and still i dream...always dream

I hate you

That you could ever fucking be mad at me for this...That you could ever be mad that Im upset at the fucking thought of you fucking questioning whos kid she was. Cause I have fought and shed so many fucking tears for you...I have fought for us...and you are sitting here pissed thinking the fucking outcome of it all makes your doubts ok.

You sit here and say that You didnt ask for a dna test at the end...cause of how i felt...BUT YET IT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER. that you questioned whos she was. FUCK YOU!!! were we ever shit in your mind. Do my feelings ever mean shit to you. Apparently not...you sit there feeling like you are the only one who should be mad right now...You have all the fucking rights right now...well guess what asshole... YOU DONT DESERVE ME! YOU DONT DESERVE MY FUCKING DEVOTION! It killed me each and every fucking time you doubted who got me fucking pregnant....like i was the one who fucking walked away...not to mention the fact that i dropped my whole fucking life of partying to make you happy...but what the fuck have you ever done for me to make me happy? You couldnt even tell one stupid ass girl to quit calling to make me feel better...you said it was enough that you just didnt pick up...but wtf...it was ok for you to ask me that of someone i NEVER FUCKING LEFT YOU FOR...unlike you who left me for her.

WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR? why am i still fucking here...why does part of me still fucking care about you about what the fuck you think....

WHY CANT I FUCKING WALK AWAY!!!