Silent Thoughts

I sit here tonight as I have done for many nights in a row now…silence…left alone with my thoughts.

How much can a person take? I do not understand my own reasoning sometimes. I have delt with a lot in my opinion…but is it too much? Who can say other than me…but the problem is…I do not know. No matter how many times I roll this thought over in my head, I cannot figure out the answer. I want so much more in life…in love. But I do love him. So where to go from here. Is it too much to want him to hold me when i cry. To dry my tears no matter if he thinks Im being silly. Is it too much to want him to come to bed and hold me at night. Is it too much to wish he would show enthusim at doing something with me..even something as little as watching a movie together…but it always remains with the response maybe…maybe we will…maybe that sounds good.

So many things unsaid, that I need to hear. He talks of in the future of marrying me..of maybe next year buying the ring. My heart leaps at that…but then sinks down low…cause I think at those moments am I giving up on more. I dont think he can give me more. I have a quote “just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them too, Doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have”

So what happens when you still want more. I have always been stubborn, thinking it can work…stubborn I dont want to give up on him. But is it more I dont want to give up on myself? That if I leave him I fail me.

I have been thinking about the other guys I talk to on a daily basis…the way they react to things..and posts. Yeah maybe this would be a bad comparision because I dont know them in person and internet can change who you truly are…but some of them…make me think about things differently..make me want more.

Can I ever get a hold on my thoughts…someday soon I hope so.

Silence

I sit here tonight as I have done for many nights in a row now...silence...left alone with my thoughts.

How much can a person take? I do not understand my own reasoning sometimes. I have delt with a lot in my opinion...but is it too much? Who can say other than me...but the problem is...I do not know. No matter how many times I roll this thought over in my head, I cannot figure out the answer. I want so much more in life...in love. But I do love him. So where to go from here. Is it too much to want him to hold me when i cry. To dry my tears no matter if he thinks Im being silly. Is it too much to want him to come to bed and hold me at night. Is it too much to wish he would show enthusim at doing something with me..even something as little as watching a movie together...but it always remains with the response maybe...maybe we will...maybe that sounds good.

So many things unsaid, that I need to hear. He talks of in the future of marrying me..of maybe next year buying the ring. My heart leaps at that...but then sinks down low...cause I think at those moments am I giving up on more. I dont think he can give me more. I have a quote "just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them too, Doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have"

So what happens when you still want more. I have always been stubborn, thinking it can work...stubborn I dont want to give up on him. But is it more I dont want to give up on myself? That if I leave him I fail me.

I have been thinking about the other guys I talk to on a daily basis...the way they react to things..and posts. Yeah maybe this would be a bad comparision because I dont know them in person and internet can change who you truly are...but some of them...make me think about things differently..make me want more.

Can I ever get a hold on my thoughts...someday soon I hope so.

Emotions

Overwhelming anger...drives my mind.
One breath...dont slip...not this time.

All the thoughts Im having,
I wish were not my own.
Now sitting down thinking,
I want to be alone.

In my misery is where you'll find me....hating what they did.
Every step of every thought...anger bursting through the lid.

The one who was supposed to be there understanding at his best.
When it came down to the end...he failed half the test.

The one who was my hero growing through the ages...
How dare she try to ruin all that I have gained.
Embarrased me in front of them...I tried to make a stand.
But my anger overcame me...thats just who I am.

I can not understand it, why things have gone so wrong.
In my mind echos that one sad song.
Trying to grasp my memories of the man who lay there dead
But all the anger all the pain twists confused in my head.


He didnt understand...said I had picked the fight.
Why that day...why that night?
Did he understand my heart cant take it now.
I stood alone back behind the crowd.
Trying to grasp what they had. A love pure and true.
But hes to fucking stubborn...a fight i may just lose.

She hates him with a passion. That makes me sick inside.
Holds my past against me..biding for the time.
To throw mistakes back in my face, in front of all the rest.
The test of friendship now fading, maybe for the best.

RESPECT!
Its all I want.
Respect is all I ask.
I have... goddamn Ive earned it.
They both give but take it back.

My heart is torn in pieces now.
The tears I cry out loud.
Anger mixed with pain.
Nothing here to gain.

To disappear to take a moment.
Only for myself.
Step back from them and look at me.
Try so hard and yet cant see.

What my needs are...
What I want...
Where Im going...
What to do.

Fucking hell Im losing it

Good-bye

It was so hard today….seeing him lying there. When I first got to my aunts house I could swear for the first 10 minutes I could see his chest rising and falling. But leaning over to touch his hand. It was already growing cold. It seems surreal. Not possible…that the man who brought so much hope…so much happiness…so much laughter to our lives is now gone from it.

I know he is in a better place now…he is without pain. But I am selfish. That doesnt make it any easier on me. I sat there crying…not able to stop the tears for at least a half hour…then all of a sudden…nothing…no tears no anger…no pain no happiness…no relief.

Just a cold hollow feeling… I havent felt this alone since my dad died. I know I need to let it out…before I explode. But i just cant. Never have been able to never will I think. I sit here in silent agony…not able to even force the tears to come. I hide admidst the pain…desperatly hoping it will go away. Desperatly hoping I wont have to feel it…feel anything.

I now keep dreaming of the possibilities…the possibility of one more day with him. One more story…one more laugh…one more elusive kiss. Just one more time please.

One more time to see my hero…to see the man I admire and have always aspired to make proud of me. But that day can never happen…

and so I sit here…alone in the empty silence of my head…searching for a way out…searching for the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind…searching for the tears that wont fall completly.

Time…it will take time…but time is hard to deal with…when it comes to pain.

I sit here now thinking of my daughter…and hoping my memories will be enough to tell her of her great grandpa…tell her of the great man he was…and how he helped mold my life…I cry when i think of the fact that she will never remember him in person…that he will not be here to see her grow…that he will miss out on so much of my life…

so many things…so many thoughts…so much sorrow now.

I pray for that sunshine to hit again…to smile and feel it right to my bones…but it will take time…time

tic tock…tic tock….now to watch the ticking of the clock…and wait

breath…just breath