ok so here it is…some of the basics of our story…which may tell why I can get so insecure sometimes…
I met you back in Oct. 2004 … and kinda fell in love you with you right from the start. You were so different than any guy I had met before…You made me feel like I could be so much more than I was. From the day we met we basically started seeing eachother everyday almost….and it wasnt long before we slept together (maybe a mistake but it felt so right to me) About a month into seeing you…I started wondering…why was I good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date…I started thinking something was wrong with me…we had a talk one night finally cause at this poiint I slept over quiet often…it was late at night and we were laying in bed together…I asked you why you hadnt asked me out…why you wouldnt…asked you if something was wrong with me…you proceeded to tell me about this friend you had…Jen. You had been friends with her for 2 years…she was your best friend…and you both had liked eachother for that whole time but nothing ever came of it…you told me that before getting into something serious with me you wanted to tell her. Which you did about a month later….then she decided at that time that she wanted you…after she had 2 years she decided she wanted you when I almost had you. You stopped talking to me and her both for a few weeks then…to have time to gather your thoughts and think about what you wanted…In the end you started seeing me again. I Offically moved in with you after knowing you for 6 or 7 months…and 3 months later you asked me out (to make it offical) …I thought it was smooth riding from there…but something happened…I wouldnt tell you not to see her…or not to be friends with her…thats not the kind of person i am…so you still went out with her and your other friends…and thats when it started going downhill…we started fighting (cause I was scared of losing you) and somehow one night she told you…”If you guys dont last I could see myself getting serious with you” …I asked you then what you wanted…what was going on…You told me (the first time you ever said those words to me and it was tainted) I love you…but I love her… She put the idea into your head…so in august…you left me…cause you said…you’d spend your life saying what if about her…and you’d eventually resent me for it.
I was heartbroken…more than you’ll ever know…so I went on…praying that you’d change your mind…not letting go of hoping that you’d come back to me… and at the same time moving on with my life…not calling you anymore…waiting for you to be the one to call…then 2 months after we broke up …you started calling again…asking me to go to the bars with you (you wanted someone to drink with) … and the first night we hung out…we wound up back at your house…and did something that maybe should not have been done… It happened 3 more times before it was too much for both of us…we agreed…we couldnt sleep together anymore…could be friends and hang out…but not sleep together…
It didnt work the way we agreed…you even took a night off when we had made plans…saying you needed to think…I didnt realize at that time but she was starting up saying the same things to you again…you went out with your guy friends to the bar…and I got a phone call at 3 am…you were parked at the McDonalds up the street from me somehow…you didnt remember driving there at all…in fact you had wanted a night away from both me and her so you said that night…but a cop was there and would have arrested you had you driven…so I walked up there and drove you home…I always asked myself why? …why did you drive towards my house when you live the oppisite way…why?
Well so its novemeber now…and you spent thanksgiving with me and my family…were we back together? No…not really…december comes and I finally ask what happened with her…I lasted so long but i finally had to know if she was still in the picture…i didnt want to go through that again…you told me you guys dated for a week…and then i had called one night…she then told you you couldnt have anything to do with me so you broke up with her…I always thought that was you choosing me over her…now I’m not always so sure if it might not be just choosing not to be with her cause she tried telling you what to do…
So we stayed unoffically together and I sorta moved back in…rather I stayed there for days on end till you sent me home…then came that fateful day in march…I took that test…and the blue line appared..I was pregnant…Oh god what would you say? …would you kick me to the curb completly…or what…I didnt know…But you…You jumped right back into US! decided we were a couple then…that you would be there for the baby that was oh so unexpected and unwanted (on your end) …
Now we are hitting that rocky road again…where will we turn from here? Will you once again decide its too much work…too much effort…or will you fight just as hard as I will for us…for our family? I dont know…
Yes there is so much more to this story…so much more happy memories…and some more bad ones…but thats not the point of it…You went out today with your friends…with Jens sister…you told me she wouldnt be there…but my heart is grasped in the fear that she was…that she may put a wedge between us again…and you will once again turn your back on me…
After all this…you wonder why I am scared…why I worry…how can you not understand…You left me once…how can I be sure you wont do that now
