Countdown

Ok so now there are 4 days till her due date. Though if she’s anything like her mom or dad …she’s gonna be late. Thats ok though…I’ll bite back my excitement….and be patient. I wasnt sure if it was ever possible to be this happy. To have such an overwhelming sense of happiness, and contentment. He’s been great throughout this whole time. It’s kinda funny to me now that when I first found out I was scared of his reaction. Scared that he may not want a part of this new life. I cant believe I ever doubted it for a second.

She responds to him so well. If he pokes my stomach she’ll kick back, but if he rubs it…she calms down. No matter what I do she always responds by kicking me :p …so it seems she is already daddy’s lil’ girl. My best memory so far is how one night he came home from work at 1:30am I was so exhausted I only woke up quick enough to say hi and then I fell back to sleep. He sat down on the couch in front of where I was laying. His back against my stomach. So at about 3am I finally woke up again with my stomach being really tight and uncomfortable. He turns around to rub my stomach with me groaning …”No, dont touch it yet…she’s hurting me right now” …then he tells me about what shes been up to…she had spent the past few hours kicking him very hard in the back…(at this point she was still kicking extreamly hard) so he proceeded to rub my stomach and say hello to her like he does every night. As soon as he did that she immediatly calmed down. Quit kicking me and went to sleep. He tried to lean back against her to show me what he meant by how much she was kicking him before … but nothing happened since he had finally said hello to her. The look on his face was priceless truly. The look of awe when he realized that all she wanted was him to say hello. The look of tenderness when he realized that she already knew who daddy was. I think it was the first time that this all felt truly real to him.

When I talked to him about it a few weeks later…going back over what I saw from my perspective… He told me….” It was the first time I bonded with her…It wasnt about you at all (he did not mean this offensivly) …it was about me …and her…and how she reacts to me even though she is still in your stomach” He’d probably kill me for saying this…but the guy who I have only ever seen shead a tear once…actually shed another tear…the first of many I’m sure for his baby girl…

I hope as she grows older she realizes how much both of us love her. Actually I know she will.

And so I continue to sit here patiently…waiting till I can see her face…till I can hold her in my arms…till I can see the look on his face when he holds our daughter for the very first time. I wait to see how we will grow as a family… Knowing that our love will help us weather out the many storms I’m sure we will face. But we can do it all together…

I always had my family….but now I also have MY family.

Random

So I wonder where to start with my thoughts…since they are always such a jumbled mess. So we’ll start with the present day. Where i sit alone most days…rampant thoughts running around. Some scary, some good, but its alwasy so hard to make sense of anything. I wonder how much I truly have changed from that scared little girl I was just a short while ago. The one who screamed out for attention…who screamed out for help. Every drop of blood for what? The one who used to think. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I holding onto a love that seems like it can never be?

What happened to change things so far? Where i feel as though one day I was pulled out of my old “Way of life” and shoved into this new …wonderful world. It couldnt of been anything I did…cause I always screw everything up. So what happened? How did I get so lucky? ….and that ever present fear of … How long do I have before it’s ripped away from me again? Till I go back to who I used to be? I think that scares me the most. That I COULD go back to her…to that broken scared…drug filled… outta control…dont give a fuck if I live or die girl.

I sit at home alone talking to friends online…. people who have never seen me…never seen the scars I wear 24/7… I wonder if they saw me on the street if they would quickly walk the other way.

The biggest thing is…When it comes down to it. I know I made the change for the better happen! I know I finally decided that my life was worth living. But now the sad thing that remains is that one day… I will have to look my baby girl in the eyes and explain to her where all the booboos on mommys arm came from… Do I lie to her then? A car accident maybe? …but no I could not lie…when she was old enough to understand I would have to look her in the eyes and say at one time mommy did not care about anything or anyone… I will have to tell her how close I came to ending it all…and never giving her the chance to be born.

So now…. as I said….I sit alone at home most days to avoid people in real life… on the chance that if I make new friends…either I will make a bad choice and meet another parasite…who will drag me back in a downwards spiral…or on the chance that I will get comfortable with them….and finally relax enough to wear my shortsleave shirts… or my shorts even….and they will finally see every part of me…and decide I am not worth shit!

But what do I care if that happens right? I know my worth…And the only people who matter to me are my family…The ones who held me and wouldnt let go. The ones who saw me at my worst and never gave up.

I assume people would treat me different if they knew…if they knew my darkest secrets…my lowest low… so I tend not to give them that chance. Pathetic maybe…. sad yes! But it is who I am… It is my only defense sometimes. To have so many people walk away from me already… It’s hard to give someone else that chance