My thoughts...My world

Life lately

2012-02-15T22:09:00.002-05:00

So many changes. Some easier to handle than others. I am just a few weeks away from getting my diploma finally. I cant wait for that. I am proud of myself for finally doing it. It's an incredible feeling. Easier to do when I have such a wonderful man in my life who is always encouraging me to do more...to be my best. I also had the wonderful support of my 5 year old daughter. Who also tells me on a daily basis how proud she is of me. lol its too cute really.

The changes not so easy have been that my love is currently liveing in a different state. Only 3 hours away but it is hard sometimes. We've seen him every weekend so far since hes moved (he got a better job down there). Though I know he wont always be able to come down every weekend and that day will kill when he cant make it. I live for my weekends right now. When my family is complete as it should be. I try not to get so down about it but sometimes those fears creep up on me.

Im doing so much better in having faith in "us" faith in him and myself. I have started counseling. Which also helps. Its been easier to seperate what is real and what are creations of fears and insecurities. Usually now more than before I can stop the panic that creeps up. But some nights I still feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Its hard when we lived together for 2 years. I had him coming home to me everyday of those 2 years...and now....it just seems so empty some nights.

I've been told that Im not a strong person. But Im finding my strength now. I just hope and dream of the day when our family will be together in the same house again as i should be. I worry most for my daughter right now. She is a daddys girl through and through. But shes handling it all well so far. With the occasional tears when he leaves but she trusts him whole heartedly. SHe knows without a doubt when he says hes coming home for her...he will. It does my heart good to see that. To know it means that much to him...and to her.

For the first time in my life I am truly able to trust someone. Its scary sometimes...and yes sometimes my trust falters. But thats the fear talking. Even when we were having our problems....He never left me. He never let me down. He has been the one person in my entire life to truly be here for me. No mater what. That has meant the world to me. It has helped start the healing process on so many old wounds. Giving birth to a new, stronger me.

I could never tell him how much he means to me....to both of us. So here I am...always working towards my future. To bring my family back together in full. To fulfill the dream I have of forever with him. Its an incredible feeling.

Thank you God...for bringing him into our lives. For knowing how much we needed him.

Thank you love...for catching us and not letting go. For filling that void inside our hearts. For loving us so much. Words oculd never say enough of how much you mean to us. You have healed so many hurts...and continue to do so everyday we are with you. I would be proud to stnad by your side forever. I would be honored to share your name. I would love to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Its what you deserve...and so easy to do. You have all of me my love. ~te amo mi corazon~ always and forever.....my life changed for the best the day we got together....I wouldnt trade a single moment spent with you. And I dream everyday of whats to come.....wishing you were here....cant wait to see you again love.

Not today

2011-12-05T13:26:00.002-05:00

It turns out nothing ever changes sometimes.
Dreams are once again dashed upon the rocky shores.
Night settles down.

You take a deep breath cuddle deep inside your blankets.
Cry those tears that never see the light of day.
Shake your head, straighten up.
Standing tall as you can.

I will face today.
It will all be ok.
I know what I am worth
Im choosing now.

Step back, fade into the crowd.
Another day....but not today.

You see naive, somewhat a fool.
Trust me when I say Im not so blind and ignorant as you think.
The truth always comes out.

My reasons are my own,
but I can stand without you.
Breath easier without you.
Dream of a future not frozen in chains,
Insecuritys domain.

Off to fly now....another day...just not today

The truth comes out

2011-11-25T06:42:00.004-05:00

So you got in a fight with your best friend....and the truth came out. "man up and tell your bitch that shes just a cusion..." "youve been talking shit about her for 2 years" ....hmmm really makes me kinda wonder. Its an odd feeling inside right now. Almost frozen again. Distant from the rest of whats going on. I could get used to this. I can put you at a distance.... for the first time...I can seperate. I am excited about school for me. Excited at the things I am going to accomplish. Though theres this part of me growing that knows you wont stay to see the places I will make it.

I will be ok. She will be ok. We are a team. I have always taught her that and she knows it right down to her core. We can breath without you.

You stayed for thanksgiving....giving some bullshit story about how you didnt want to deal with traffic. I think you had 2 very different and specific reasons. First off: K. wasnt going. 2nd off: You wonder....if just maybe you got away with out me seeing what Billy and Michelle said. You wonder if you made it by the skin of your teeth. But you feel guilty so just in case, you stuck around. Trying to butter me up or something. So the real question becomes.....was it because you truly care and are worried you fucked it up....or at least feel bad about hurting me.....or you just want to "protect" your "cushion" keep me happy till you figure it out.

the questions keep on rolling....do I even really care anymore?....Ive got my little girl.....we dont need anyone else. Especially someone who doesnt want to be here anyways. I wont let another man use me. And especially not make her think she matters and then walk away.

oh and not to mention that everyone seemed to know about NJ before me. Like Michelle saying you didnt tell me cause you needed a place to live....and Pat even knew....you havent talked to him in forever how did he know...and you didnt correct him last night either....when he said good luck in NJ. You didnt tell him you werent going. I should question that today.....breath....keep distant....protect....guard.

quick

2011-11-17T13:30:00.001-05:00

I just want to run to you. I wish I could curl up in your arms and lie there till this all gets better. But I cant. Thats been taken away from me. All of it falls to pieces. And this hurts...more than I can bare....I lost my best friend too

Hey God its me again...

2011-11-17T07:00:00.002-05:00

Same old story God. It kinda really hurts. The pain is echoing off every wall and hidden crevice of my heart. To give anything to go back to the begining....to cherish one more laugh one more long day snuggling. Ouch! Too much now,

I keep going back between tears and hollowness. Between being resigned...and knowing you've already made your choice. I guess somewhere in the darkness there still whispers that small dream....for once it'd be me. Im sorry. Im sorry I was not enough to make you happy. Im sorry I ever first kissed you. You made me believe in a future. In the promise of forever. Forever came too soon.

I wish you the best in life, in love, in friendship. Good luck on your job interview. Im sure you'll do well in NJ. Thanks for letting me know ahead of time. Looks like you figured your way out after all. Thanks for using me. You could have bypassed the kiss goodnight the saying I love you...the sex. While planning this behind my back the whole time. You could have been more than that. But thank you. I am already getting a little bit stronger...

Please dont spare much thought for me and her. We will be fine. We've always got eachother. Shes already survived one dad walking out on her. Now we know. I wont risk her poor heart again. Not for anyone.

So this is it huh? All those days led up to this. They say better to have loved and lost....I disagree now. Can I go back please? To before you....you promised not to break my heart...You broke every promise you ever made me...

At least you'll finally have your space and privacy....you can focus on your son. Again I wish you the best...even through the pain

fuck it

2011-07-19T15:48:00.002-04:00

Im done with the bullshit. I no longer give a damn. I refuse to. I dont need you to tell me I look prety or to make me feel good. I give more than you deserve. Yeah maybe that sounds kinda spiteful. But I dont give a fuck right now. I just dont give a shit. Keep your porn Ill be happy with my toys and the occasional good fuck from you. Whenever you can muster up the energy. Oh but wait make sure you make a trip to the bathroom first with your phone to help you get ready.

Yeah I am kinda psycho thats what I think. Thats what youve reduced me to feeling like is going on with all your fucking sneaky shit. Maybe if you tried to make me feel better instead of sneaking around. I could actually get past the hurt and have something good come of it.

But nope! that would never happen in a million years. Cause you just cant care enough to try to understand. Or at least support me with it. Piss off!

You want bitch? Youre about to see her. keep pushing....keep with the snide comments. I will not break again. And definitely never again for you.

I get it. I get that youre stressed....but I deserve better than this half assed shit youve been giving me.

If I was brutally honest with myself...Id ask how long? really how long has this been going on.

Secrets never stay where they should ya know. Reality bites. so do birthdays...by the way thanks for making this one so special...it was yet another in the long line for sure...though maybe not that far.

Heres a suggestion

2011-06-29T18:52:00.002-04:00

If youre not in the mood to rough house like we usually do.

A. Dont start it. and

B. if you dont want to be pinned ya could always just stop moving and say seriously not in the mood. Instead of leaving a welt from pinching me :( (and you say thats all you could do to get me off. I could think of a few different ways)

ummm...hello hypocrit. Dont pin me then. Dont flick me, dont try to rough house.....if you cant do it without getting frustrated the very few and far between times i get the best of you. Then dont do it at all. Dont get mad at me for not listening when you say stop when you keep flicking still. Dont get mad at me for not listening when you dont either.

stop being so damn stubborn competitive and hypocritical. >( and hey....saying sorry goes a lot farther than getting defensive.

Hi pissy pants...meet angry housewife!!!!

I know you are stressed and wound tight right now....but lets try not taking it out on the person who does anything and everything for you. Theres an idea.

Fade away

2011-06-26T18:51:00.001-04:00

In my head I saw stars, I thought my dreams had come true.

But those are just wishful fantasies, of a girl I thought I knew.

Wake to the thunderstorm rage,

another rainy day.

wake to the age old heartach and fear,

that birthed here long ago.

Kalidascope thoughts,

adrift in my head,

chipping away at my soul.

you hear the dying sounds of hopes last breath,

a cold chill settles in.

How to prepare a heart...for the long bitter winter ahead.

When a little piece dies everyday...

blah

2011-06-26T17:14:00.001-04:00

A persons spirit can bend only so many times before it breaks.....and when it breaks it shatters.

A body can only take so much stress before it begins to not work right...from the head to the stomach...and everything else included.

~How to mend a broken spirit, how to heal those broken wings.
Desperatly trying to hold on, to the innocence of dreams~

unsent letter

2011-06-21T07:13:00.002-04:00

What is it that always leaves the human heart wanting more? That leaves it desperate to forget the pain of the past. Or maybe I'm just one of the unlucky few. Who cant let go...just hit a switch and make the past stay where it belongs. But the insecurities are never far away. The fear is always lurking in the back of my mind.

For me, its a vicious scar.
Torn to the very fabric of my being.
It gets easier now though. To seperate myself from my emotions.
I can be content. Just comfortable with the continuity of having you.
But never expecting anything else.

Is that what loves come to?
Never even daring to dream, you could truly be the one to end the pain.
The fear and confusion, self doubt, especially anger and tears.
So close, yet we seem so far away sometimes.

Its getting easier with you. And its weird. Ive never been able to close myself down like this before. Not with anyone. But with you....I am starting to have my moments. It's easier now.

Would that scare you to know, I wonder?

This letter doesnt really have a purpose. I love you, being with you has made me so happy. I guess that goes back to the original statement. Why does the human heart always want more? Why cant I be happy with the time I get. The attention I do get. And not wish you would go that one step further....at least once in awhile, be out of the ordinary. I like romance too. I deserve it. It was a plesant dream for a moment. Now back to our lives. Our goofball, troublemaking, mostly great lives. I just had to some way voice this feeling.

For all that you have given me....all that you have done....and especially all that you are. Thank you. I am so happy to have you in my life.

thoughts

2011-06-17T19:10:00.002-04:00

My heart breaks some days...wondering, aching to know if this is forever after. An icy coldness settles in. Im so exhausted of wondering...of not knowing where I stand....I wish...I dream....Im lost somewhere.....a frightened heart hiding in the dark...

To hope is to die a little each day your dream does not come true. To hope is a cruel joke leaving you hanging on by a thread when everything screams let go. Do I dare to hope? DO I dare to dream? Wishing I could just let go....forget everything

strange thoughts

2011-06-02T16:12:00.003-04:00

I am desperate.....I wish so badly I could take her and run far away sometimes. Away from everyone. I wish it could be just me and her off in some distant life. Not needing anyone...but eachother.

I am a cruel mother for even having that thought in a way. But to dream of a life without heartbreak for her or me is nice. I would never let her down. I am the one person in her life how would do anything and everything for that lil girl. She is my world.

This relationship lately is petrifying. I cant get my head around anything anymore. I cry when I see weddings. I cry over anything sweet and sappy and romantic lately. I dream of it....but on the other hand. He could crush our souls if hes not careful.

Is love truly worth the risk? I ask myself that everyday lately. It would be a bold move indeed. To up and leave everything and everyone behind. Do I have it in me to live that kind of life?

Would I want to?

These are certantily strange times. Would you even miss us?

Maybe....it should be just me...

Another nightmare

2011-05-03T11:03:00.004-04:00

When dreams are torn asunder
fairytales lead to gripping horror
This nightmare has just begun.

How long til I wake up from disaster.
Leave it all behind.

Turn a corner, see a girl standing there.
Pitiful to behold, you see that look in her eye
Frightened, damaged to the core.
Tears streaming from her eyes.

You stand accused for all thats been done to her
You stand in judgement for every scar.
Chains of fear bind your arms to your side.
Never changing, your fate was never yours to decide

Echoed strangeness....Ive been here before.

The sleeping lion wakes to roar....
I am not.....invisible.
I am not...that same weak little girl.

Watch as the nightmare unfolds....
dazed standing still.
Just to exsist.

Out of touch with my emotions, I can deal with you.
Frozen at the core, a smile plastered on.
Puppet. But who holds the strings?

Nightmares swirl. Faceless girl.
Jealousy consumes, let go to a new awakening.

Stand tall, detached, distant ....survive

rant

2011-04-30T15:53:00.002-04:00

How dare you! Ungrateful ass! I am allowed to have days when I dont want to do anything. I make dinner every night. I run all your errands. I clean the whole house. I take care of our home life. No I dont mind. That is my part. But for fucks sake come on! Show a little damn appreciation. I cooked for you when my back was killing me. ANd I ask for take out one day. I ask for a break from any and all things dinner. And you get pissed cause I dont want to drag a 4 year old out just to go pick it up. When you are already out. You claim youre too tired to stop and get it you had a long day. Then when you get pissed off at me. You dont even come home. You go out til 11pm with the boys. Yeah tired my ass. You just didnt want to deal with it.

Fuck off. Im done.

Trust in nothingness

2011-04-29T10:36:00.005-04:00

Trust in me
Nothingness remains
Die here, just to live once again.

Stealing blindly, random fights.
Silence echos, fate surrounds.

Clawing and crawling your way back
Fades to black once more.

Insanity shrinks to nothingness.
Dont care, frozen, lost all the same.

A sad melody drifts along the breeze.
A girl dressed in white, whistles softly the tune.
Searching through the fields.
To find, what once was there.

Suicide and goodbye to my last love.
I will survive once more.....for the very last time.
Trust....in nothingness

The very empty silence that surrounds

Something I've realized

2011-04-29T05:54:00.002-04:00

SO I used to think I never dreamed of a wedding. I grew up my whole life....Never dreaming of what my wedding would be like. I always dreamed about kids though. But it seems as if I knew at that young age. SOme things were not meant for me.

I dream now though. Its that wishful dream. Where it terrifies you to the core. You want it so bad, but are afraid to hope. He's the only guy Ive ever felt this way about. Wishful dreams... right!?

If he does ask me to marry him though, he better make sure its forever. Make sure that he's not just gonna try and jump ship at the first time of trouble. See now, this is where it gets hard. I dont know if he's ever gonna want to get married again. So many things I dream of now....I think I liked it better when I didnt think I deserved to dream....THen it wasnt so painful as it is now. Then I knew in my soul....I wasnt going to be happy....I thought i didnt deserve to be.

Now I know. I deserve the best...my daughter deserves the best. SO theres so many new dreams floating out of all this. That it makes me want to run for cover most days. But when one tiny one of those dreams comes true. It makes it all worth while. If only I could chose the dreams to be real.....

*sigh* whispered dreams

way overdue good

2011-04-25T15:02:00.003-04:00

So I finally realized that i never specified the changes in my life between 2008 I think and the recent posts.

I found someone. :) The happiest moment for me...whas that day. It was summer 2009 when my neighbor came by. I was outside on the back porch smoking a cig and reading with coffee. He stopped by to say hi to the little one. She was inside watching a movie and surprisingly couldnt be bothered to see him that day. Lol which is surprising if you knew her history with him.

I've known this man for six years. He's been my neighbor. My house backdoor faces his. We used to be outside summers for cook outs and he'd be working on his motorcycle outside or off riding on it. He'd always stop by to say hi to the kids. He's great with kids. Kylie adored him from about the time she was 1.

To explain something about my daughter too. She hated most men. On days me and her dad would fight she hated all men. Would scream whenever one even looked at her. Even her dad. Especially him really. But on those days....if she saw Randy. She would light up. She adored him completly...recognized the sound of his work truck coming home....would run to ask to go say hi....he was always so kind. He always had a min to spare for her. He was an almost friend. That all changed starting that summer day.

He came by to see her...she was too busy as 2 year olds are. So we chatted a bit. I offered him coffee. He stayed for about an hour. I admit I already knew I had a crush on him since moving home. I was half in love him with just like my kid lol. I adored him and felt so bad for how his home life was.

he had been married for 11 years to a cold unfaithful bitch. Stole money from him. cheated on him...Had him running around in circles trying to make her happy...all the while... she did nothing for him. He hurt his back one day on his quad. was laid up in bed for a few days. She didnt even come offer him water or anything. She thought he deserved it for "playing". That was his life.

That day...he told me he finally had enough. He was getting a divorce. Let me tell you when he said that I felt my heart jump shouting "yes! I can make you happy...gimme a chance. :) " lol then I calmed that bit down and stopped myself. lol I got control. We talked for about an hour and a half. He asked me my opinion on his hair cut. He had long hair before down to his mid back. He had cut it short and spiky for the first time in years. I was drooling over it. He looked hot! I told him so. It kinda jumped out before I could think and change the word hot to it looks great or something. A tad embarassing...guess I didnt have as much control as I thought.

so summer passed into fall and we talked here and there...just a friendly quick chit chat if we happened to pass on our day. If I was outside when he came home...which i usually managed to be...me and girly both went flying to the door when we heard that truck. He always made us smile. Espeially when girly wanted to say hi. He told me he might be moving. And I told him girly would love it if we could keep in touch. Yeah Im a sucker I used my kid. But I gave him my number and he gave me his. Said he def. wanted to do that. I couldnt ever figure out if he was interested in me or not. I know hes basically been seperated from his ex for 1yr by this point. Even though they still lived together they never spoke basic roomates. Seperate rooms no contact. Every time we saw him we just chatted about random things. over the years he had heard my horror story with my ex. And I heard his. We spoke about what we wanted out of a relationship. We just clicked. Had a lot of the same views.

Then october came around. His ex wife had moved out. the divorce was in process. He was free of her for sure. We chatted about that and girly told him about the cake she wanted for her birthday. She was so excited...she was getting a princess castle cake. When she wandered out of ear shot he insisted he wanted to buy her cake. He wanted to get her a little something she wanted. And since that excited her. That was it. I tried to deny him. It was $40 thats a freaking lot for a present. But as I said he insisted. It was sweet. so i let him. Telling myself I wouldnt remind him or ask for the money for it when the time came to order it at the end of the month.

weeks passed and i didnt see much of him. It was the day before halloween. I was sitting outside. and his truck roars by....he hits in in reverse and pulls in my driveway. I walk down to meet him as he gets out. He hands me money and apoligizes for waiting so long he knows her birthday is days away. Tells me hes been busy with work and thats why I havent seen him. I invited him to the party before...so he tells me he is going to make it. He just has to work early morning but will be home in time to stop by. Tells me theres a little something extra in there for money can I pick her up a little something from him please. Only if I have to go out. Otherwise I can take her after her party.

I had already put the money in my pocket so I didnt realize how much he had given me. Said I was glad we would see him at the party. I go inside to find out he had just handed me $80 total. $40 for a cake and $40 for her other "lasting" present as he called it. My heart melted that he would do that for my kid. I remeber asking my sister...do you think that means he likes me if he'll do that for her. I dunno lol. I was silly schoolgirl mess.

Halloween night comes around. We take the kdis trick or treating. Its about 10 pm and im outside smoking a cig. Just heard the song "tonights gonna be a good night" feeling slightly amped. I finally get the guts to send him a quick text. I txt him "omg you are too sweet. thanks again for doing that for girly. You didnt have to do that. :) " He calls right after the text goes through. We chat a bit he goes on to say its no big dea what not....Then he asks if girlies still awake. Can he say hi....I say sure she is...shed love to see him...so then. I dash inside wake her up and throw on her coat and slippers and head out back to meet him to say hi. LMAO I know. I know...I am sucha mean mom to wake her up. She pays me back daily for those few times.

We're out back talking only a few short moments and all of a sudden it starts to rain. Im thinking shit this stinks. I woke her up for nothing...But he invites us inside. We go inside and since his ex decided to be a total bitch and take everything...the main floor of the house was empty of everything...even paintings on the wall. SO we go upstairs to sit on his bed so girlie can watch cartoons while we talk.

Having a grand ole time he gives her some pops to eat. She starts slamming her hand in the bowl cause she likes seeing the spray everywhere, more than she likes eating them. Im like oh no...shes making a mess. Embarassed...I lunge to stop her....His response....he slams his hand in the bowl and makes a bigger mess. lol. I dropped then too. Me and Kylie are hysterical at all this. Then I decide to be an adult again and start cleaning. His bed....which mind you is about 3 feet off the ground. Its a big bed. So I innocently lean over the side to try to pick up pops without getting up...and somehow...I dunno what happened. But I started to fall. Of course he caught me. Caught me around the back slid his hand down my back to my butt to make sure I was steady enough. Of course it was only for support. lol... smooth move on both parts :)

Then we do the whole cheesy he tickles me and I use it as a way to get into his arms laying down on the bed. We kiss...words cant describe. One thing eventually led to the other which perhaps was not good. But it had been so long for both of us. ANd girlie was conviently watching cartoons in the other room. By the end of it my legs were shaking. (Side note: sorry TMI I know....but I need to write everything somewhere. My blog My rules) :)

I Stayed until about 4 am that day he only got an hour sleep before work. We were up talking and enjoying eachothers company. It was def. the best night of my life.

I saw him briefly on my back porch the next night. I was nervous I didnt know what to think. We hadnt said anything about what had happened between us that first night I went to his house. I didnt know what he thought. Though he had always told me he would never mess around with a single mom without being sure. You just dont do that he said. The next day was girlies party. He didnt make it home in time :(

He was pissed at his customer for keeping him so late. Girly got to thank him for her presents "he" got her. A movie and a pony house. He stayed for about an hour or so and then went home. We still hadnt talked. Then thats when I figured I had to move again lol. I asked girlie if she wanted to watch the movie she got from Randy with him. She says no mom I want to watch it here. SO I say fine. Ok! Thats good cause you cant watch it with him anyways. Of course anything you tell a just newly turned 3 year old she cant do....omg she bawled her eyes out. But mom I want to watch it with him. SO I say ok being the great mom that I am :p I tell her we will call him and when i do he answers on the first ring. I tell him girlie wants to ask him something. SO she gets on the phone with him. "Randy can I watch my new movie with you at your house?" aww...how cute I tell him. She came up with the idea all on her own. What a smart girl >.> <.< lol ...So of course he says yes. Come right over Ill be down to open the door in second. We spend another night there. Up til 2 am this time. Which shortly begun with a conversation once again about what we expected out of a relationship. Then as Im laying in his arms. He turns to me and says so how bout it? What do you think? Do you wanna be my girl? I got a silly little smile on my face and nodded and barely said yes of course.

The early days were filled with giddy anticipation. Seeing him talking to him. Telling my mom and my sister. I was on cloud nine. I used to sit on the kitchen counter when he cooked for us. He would turn on the raido and sing to me. Though he very rarely sings the actual words to the song. He kinda makes up his own. It was so easy to spend every night with him till the wee hours of the morning. I dont know how he functioned at work those days. lol.

I moved in rather quickly. Spent most nights there and then in late Jan. I moved in officially. I love every wrestle match. Every nerf gun war...every water fight. Every movie night. Every late night talk. I love his son. I love that his son has been a big part of our lives already too. That Kylie first chose to call Randys son her brother...then quickly started calling Randy daddy.

Though it has been a long road already. and because of both our pasts sometimes...we stumble a bit on our road together. But he gets me...in a way no one else ever has. He has faced parts of my past and loved me for them. He has been my strength through some trying times. He is mi corazon. My heart and soul. And it doesnt hurt that my whole family loves him too.

So our story continues. as I said sometimes we stumble....but we keep moving on together....I dream of where our story might go...though I get scared sometimes...I still dream

flames and fairy tales

2011-04-20T14:46:00.004-04:00

Ive got a lot of rocks in my head,
thinking bout the things that you said.
I cant get them off of my mind.

Wanna be wrapped in your arms
feeling safe and secure
But a cold wind blows me away.

That day....
the lightning flashed,
the crack echoed across time.
Step outside my mind.
Just the barest ability to exsist.

Different love,
binding to end all.
My soul was yours.
mi corazon.

Blow away, the burning of one last wish.

Me and her, we'll make it through.

Good bye to the dream of a fairy tale,
the page suggests a happy ending,
surrenders to the burning of a bridge.

Cold and hollow conforms to an empty soul.

weirdness

2011-04-12T19:31:00.003-04:00

crazy thoughts and crazy deeds. Its a funny feeling the past week. Ya know Ive been through my fair share of shit in my life. But never until last week have I ever reached a point where I felt like this.

That blinding flash and then the world went dark. I went numb. How do you recover from that? I heard the crack. I felt my soul and spirit break. I have a hard time showing affection now. Cant handle being around groups of people.

Cant say I love you. I feel frozen. A step out of time. Things are fine with him.... now. We joke, play, have sex....all of that....but its still off. Somethings missing from me. I cant feel anything really. Its a fog... a blur in my head.

How do I go back. I would have given anything that day to have him take it back...and when he did. I froze. GOt cold. dont know what to do now.

The worst part about all this might just be...that Im liking the cold numb feeling. its scary

Anon

2011-04-09T14:52:00.003-04:00

So....through out the past week I have come to know the entity anon. I stumbled across "his" posts on a website I visit. Reading his words. neither revealing or lies....has brought me a new perspective. Seemed to have woken up something that was inside me. Brought to life by what Ive been going through. It goes beyond the normal aching realizations. Though how is it that words he speaks, shed light on so many of my issues....but I do not know his troubles at all. I do not even know the day to day that is his life. If only I could find the words to explain to him. What he showed me. Without even meaning to. I know he helps people. It seems as if he claims his heart is gone. Tiny shards of glass are bigger than the pieces...in its place he wants to help...I think his heart is there. Truer not in spite of but because of the pain. I want to change sometimes...No one ever really knowing. What I think or feel. Not letting anyone too close. Give tid bits of my life....but nothing more. Arms length. Leave them always reaching. I feel frozen lately.....The change is already taking place somewhat. Hit fast forward again. See how it all plays out

yesterday

2011-04-04T07:34:00.003-04:00

You know its kinda funny. Yesterday I felt true pain. Agonizing...made everything else in my life dwindle down to nothing compared to this. My soul was torn from my body. How do you recover from that? I think things are going back. But that void is still there. Now do I truly know what it means to break. You did nothing wrong. Got closure fine. But you hid it from me. Now what do I do? I was sneaky invaded your privacy. But ya know what! There shouldnt be anything to hide. Neither right...neither wrong. But hopelessly torn. I cant even whisper the words outloud right now. I took a step outside my body. My emotions are frozen. Its the first time I havent known how to feel. Odd really. You are amazing in so many ways. You made a family out of us. No hesitation no exceptions. You are so much fun to be around. Mostly you get me. Like no one else ever has. But sometimes....you dont understand at all. Still more good...everyday i love waking up to you. But has that all changed now? I know some things need to change with me. But will I lose myself in the process? Always being the one to give in. to change to suit you? I think thats what scares me most. But yesterday...ya know when my soul was torn out....Yesterday I would have given anything to stay with you. When you said those words...That was the breaking point. It was like this great big giant flash...and then nothing but overwhelming pain. I heard the crack. What now? how do you truly feel? Im scared...hurt...alone...I want to know if im the only one. I want to know where do I/we go from here. Lost doesnt even begin to describe it. I'll take honest pain...over betrayal. You promised me forever....but almost let it go. What now? my heart drags me to the ground.

2011-04-01T21:31:00.002-04:00

do I have the courage. Im not really scared of the answer...just the reaction....we shall see. It will depend on how he acts when he gets home. useless ramblings of the mentally and physically exhausted. Thats been my theme today. ANd man I have hit an all time record of hitting backspace today too. Screw it....even typos have their place. *sigh*

ramblings

2011-04-01T17:42:00.002-04:00

Please just let me go. Is it so hard to ask. Just leave me be. let me go. say the truth. Why is it that no one can be real? Theres always something to hide. Guess what. You always get caught. No matter how sneaky you think you are. You always slip up somewhere. somehow. You do it way too much. Why? Im silly for how I feel. im too much. I snuggle too much. I care too much I fucking love too much. Well guess what. It's done. Yes I know Im depressed. I fucking get it loud and clear. So just fuck off. You cant fix me. You cant make me stronger. And somewhere in my heart cries you cant love me. If you did you would do something to make it better. But no...it just gets worse. I never said I was perfect. I never claimed to be. You thought I was better than this. Sorry thats what you get. Everyone can fuck off now. I cant handle it anymore. Cant handle caring about what other people want...what they think. I dont want to love anyone anymore. I wish I didnt have to feel anything at all. Wouldnt it be easier...simpler....that creeping voice saying my dad had the right idea....or the other one that says just screw it. leave it all behind and run.

2011-04-01T15:52:00.002-04:00

My head is screaming right now. Doesnt feel so good. I just want to break everything down. start over.... run away...hide. Im so sick of this shit. All of it. So many questions I have...no answers forthcoming. Fuck it. Why the hell should I care anyways right? I dont need anything or anyone. Freakin gotta love days like this. Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck!!!!! goddamnit. Someone please just stop my head from spinning. Or give me the ability to read minds for just a few days. Wouldnt that be great huh. Thats all I would need too...just 1 or 2 days at most. Then I wouldnt wonder so much

forever and always

2011-03-30T07:25:00.002-04:00

Taylor Swift: Forever and always...... thats what comes to mind now-a-days. Dunno why Im feeling like this really. Actually I do. I know its depression. But the root of all fears is valid. Thats what my depression is. Its fear. Too good to be true. I get so scared it makes me want to just stop. Stop caring...stop feeling....stop loving...even stop laughing. Because as much as laughter is good. It just makes the pain that much harder to bear because through the pain you remember how good it could be and it kills to think you may never feel that again. Never feel.... would I miss it? Just drop everything and disappear. A new life. no strings...no worries. Me and me alone for the long ride. Do I dream of it. but so many things hold onto me. Mainly that little angel who is so defiant...so stubborn and smart. So adorable lovable and sweet. She has my heart strings forever. That girl is what keeps me going. Always has been. Even before she was born. I wanted her. Maybe thats why this isnt so easy anymore....because in reality we are only allowed one dream come true in life. And she was mine. Im good with that. I am a surviver....a fighter....I will cope. For her...always and forever for her. Still small picture in my mind. A lifetime forever...hand in hand. You could be the one for us. And it terrifies me....more than you could ever know.

Things I'll never say

2011-03-25T07:06:00.004-04:00

You like to act like you're perfect....but You arent. Not at all. For all your talk....all your promises. You were like them. For awhile. You think its ok because for all you know. I have no clue about what went on. I bet you dont ever give your actions a second thought now do you? Or could it be that possible you do....and every once in awhile you might feel a tinge of guilt.

Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me....(yes)...yes?...(yes.)

Do you miss me?.....(yes)....did you like seeing me the other day...(yes)...whos your princess....(you are)

Are you gonna miss me?....(yes) ....Can I go to PR with you.....(sure)

You arent like them? Hmmm maybe I really do need to get my head checked. You say we moved fast....You forget how much you pushed at the begining?

(Can you handle all my love? can you be happy with this forever?)

Is it a wonder I fell. You loved my little girl from the start.....she trusted you. It felt like a dream with you. I never thought possible....and it scared me at first. Then I started believing too. I trusted you.

Not to mention...the countless times you stopped to see her. Did you spend weekend days with her? How many times did you take her shopping? How many minutes/ hours did you spend on the phone with her?

But it all stopped when you got back from PR. I was so scared when you left. I bet you didnt know how much I was fighting myself when you left....did I want to be there when you got back? Was there a point....or should I run before we fell any harder for you. I was so scared for girlie.

But you called...every day...you called me. Not her. You texted me....you didnt get mad that you had to dole out another $300 bucks for a new ticket cause I messed up the days and it was non refundable.

You made me feel like I was the best thing in the world. And oh boy was girlie ever glad when you came home. She held on so tight.....didnt want to let go.

But there were still issues....you told her out of respect for me you didnt want to see the dog....but every time she showed up with him....and every time she called you for him...You went running. Almost let her have the dog come here too. If it wasnt for me pointing out that I would have to be the one to muzzle him...You had already said yes to her. Without talking to me. Then went back and told her no after I reminded you of all that other stuff. The muzzle...your words....how the dog is around kids.

First thought was for her though. Then me.

Though I know you did what was best for us in the end. That first reaction still hurt. Though I know how much you love him....still.

Then lets see the other one....you took kyle to see her. I know you say shes just a friend...she has called you sexy on facebook.....you say there wasnt anything between you guys she was old enough to be your mom. Bullshit. I saw the message she sent you...stating how you guys wouldnt work out. She thought you needed a spanish woman. But she cared very deeply about you.
With all that....and you couldnt even tell me you stopped by to see her with your son. I know its your life. I dont want a say in where you go or who you see. Just be able to be honest enough to tell me. If you have to hide stopping to see a female friend....why? ....hmmm

Then lets move on to her....the one who claims you are her "other boyfriend" I know theres nothing there...but she oversteps sometimes. I am jealous of her....but I have to wonder with the way you talk about her.....do you ever wonder.....

So yes....Ive been snappy lately....I get upset. I do so much...but its the little things....I was desperate for a rub down....you promise full body masage....you promise a nice romantic night...Crash! On so many little things crash!

Snappy. Trying to get past this because in the end you made a final choice with me and her. Because in the end. every day is better with you in it. We love you so much...But its hard to get back that new trust in you. And because I know....if I ever told you all of this. I would lose your trust too. I was sneaky with finding it all out. So its a catch 22....and I hate myself for doing it again.....I hate myself partially.....for loving you so much. It hurts. after you I guarentee...theres no one else.

So yes. Ive been snappy lately....it all kinda caught up with me

So I sit here. Putting on the face that everythings perfect. That Im living the dream. But theres so many doubts and insecurities now....That Im stuck in a nightmare sometimes. I know IM already velcro...but I could really use a night where it is all about me....all about us. Kinda over the top a little. Remind me what I have to the full extent. I wonder if Im fooling everyone.

Things I'll never say....~

Big plans

2011-02-20T11:26:00.002-05:00

I was thinking this morning....How I need to do something about my lack of confidence. I know exactally what I need to do to regain it. But those first few steps are terrifyig. First on my list is to start being immaculate. Keeping everything straight and in order. I have plenty of time to do it. My next step is exercise....I know if I push myself I can get to the weight I have always wanted. Then my piercings and tattoo. Maybe some new clothes. Go out just to have some down time. I know I can do that. For me.

So isnt it so funny that I could never do that for them! I couldnt give space...couldnt handle myself if I went out...always that fear loomed....and for no better reason than I did not give myself enough value.

I pray that ends today. Big plans floating around this head right now. I just pray I follow through on them. God itd be so nice to not be stuck in fear so much.

what if?

2011-02-19T19:16:00.003-05:00

Have you ever truly thought about another life for yourself? I know everyone has probably wished for a better life...a different life at some point or another....but have you ever truly put thought into what that life should be like. If things were perfect and you could do anything you wanted to do...what would that be?

What would it take to make you happy?

Ive thought about this somewhat tonight. Itd be nice to have some money...To be able to splurge sometimes...be it on little things for myself or for those I care about. Id like to have a nice car. A small apt. Loft with a second full bedroom. Id like to be able to work desiging things....like invitations,and including photography. I want to keep working. I would do more things with my daughter...go see places. Even as far as going overseas as she gets older. Teach her about history up close.

But I wouldnt give up what I have now to have all that money. Right now I find joy in the little things. The joy of a new movie. Being able to chase eachother around with dart guns. All the simple things in life....that make it complete. The crazy urge to jump up and grab his hand to dance. To laugh and love freely and unsuspisciously. To be as close to fearless as possible in this crazy world.

please dont

2011-02-16T11:53:00.003-05:00

I hate what you did to me. You made my mind and emotions a battlefield. You used my body as your own personal punching bag...or caged animal. Since usually it was only a threat...how far will to push before that fist doesnt just raise anymore? How many more times could I cry out to you to just love me....for me. ANd put me ahead of any other girls.

It destroyed something in me....almost completly. It still troubles me sometimes though....That still small voice that has echoed for years in my head. .....am I enough?

Thats something that never really goes away, isnt it? A part of me so lost....even now....that I cant seem to get things quiet right.

The fears, uncertanties, wondering. Not wanting to go back to that silence again. How is it that its so easy to crush things....but try to build them back seems damn near impossible sometimes.

Please dont be.....such a simple thing for me to ask of him....something I shouldnt have to ask....I shouldnt have to fear.....

please dont be like all of them.

Mean it when you say my past doesnt matter, mean it when you say you love me even as flawed as I am. Mean it when you call me velcro with that look in your eyes.

So simple....so small request...please dont

Lol then the song pops into my head...

Please dont say I love you...those words touch me way too deeply.....

Jewel- Near you always

That...is now.....

so this is today

2011-02-08T07:03:00.002-05:00

Im clinging to the prayer that this wont fall apart. Im trying to fix something in myself that was broken long ago. But Im not sure where to start. If only wishes could be gran ted with a snap of your fingers....wouldnt that be nice and easy.

Here I stand a different person with all the same fears. But I dont know how to stop the caos in my head. On one hand Ive never been happier. So why do I sit here wondering when it will fall apart again. I wish I knew.

Its hard to let go of the feeling of not enough. I do everything for you. I cook, I clean, I run errands, I love you with all of my heart. So why am I always second guessing myself.

I know Im too clingy. And Im sorry for that. I dont give you the space you need. But what do you want from me. Do you want me to tear myself apart trying not to care. Trying to ignore all the hurt others have caused and pretend that I dont have insecurity issues. Its not you its me. The age old saying. But with that being said....how long until you get fed up with that. Will you leave because you cant take it anymore.

Dont ever compare me to her again. And yes saying youre just like my ex or you sound just like my ex is comparing me to that stupid cunt. I dont use that word lightly either. She destroyed you. Froze you out. Is that what you want me to do?

No I dont expect you to change everything to fit me. I know there are some things that I need to do different. But I just want you to love me despite it all. Its well and good to tell me of my faults....but what about all the good stuff.

You arent the same as all the past ones. But Im scared. You have more power to break me than anyone ever has before. I know if it happened I will pick myself and my daughter up off the floor and go on. And probably one day meet someone else. But it will be a broken person they all see.

I dont know how it happened so quick. How I feel so hard for you. Even a year later I am still astounded. I think I loved you before we got together. I loved that you made my daughter smile. I trusted you because she did. And she trusted even less easily than I did.

I know there wasnt much time between your ex leaving and me coming. But you chose it too.

Do you know I saw those texts from her. Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. and yes sad to say even the one of her asking if she could go to PR with you. I saw your responses too. Maybe thats why Im scared. I know she means nothing now. She proved time and time again who she was. Just as I have. And I know you called me every day you were gone. I know you missed me, I know you love me. But is it enough?

I see the shows on TV about weddings. I hear that new song marry me....and it brings me to tears every time. I wonder if my day will ever come. I dream of it with you. DId you know that? Ive always thought about it with the other ones. But I never wanted it with them. I wanted the life. That love that my grandparents had. I have all of it with you except the promise of forever. ANd with you I desperatly want it. I've made phone calls before and referred to you as my husband to make it easier to handle your stuff for you. And every time I do....every time someone calls you my husband. My heart swells with joy, pride and love. That terrifies me.

God there is something seriously screwed up with my head. Everyone in my life has walked away....at one time or another.....please dont be the same.

Love me even though Im a pain in the ass sometimes. Love me for all of my faults. Most of all. Dont break my heart. I wont be able to take it again. And most of all. I dont want her to go through that either.

If only I could disappear...sometimes I dream of a different life. Of me on my own somewhere out in Cali or Texas or something. Not having to care about anyone or anything other than myself. To do what I want when I want. But no I wouldnt give up my baby girl for the world. That life was not for me. Now I just have to figure out how to live my life the way it is.

*sigh* im just tired of feeling defeated. This should be the happiest time of my life...and it is...most days....then theres just the in between...where I am petrified...of losing it all.

Thoughts of you

2008-04-24T14:37:00.002-04:00

Do you think to punish me for my actions and thoughtless words with your silence? With your unwillingness to pick up my phone calls...or to even call back? Your unwillingness to show that we matter...to show that you mean what you say when you say you care.

I find it sadly and pitifuly amusing now. Because it is not a punishment if it was supposed to be. All it does is ease my heart further into that coldness.

I'm already forgetting you in some ways...forgetting what it felt like in the safety of your arms...so that now that memory doesnt have me wanting or needing it any longer. I'm forgetting what it meant to be yours. For the truth is...You have lost so much of me already and do not try hard enough to get it back. I forget what it means to be a family, for you are not there as you should be....and so have built stronger the family consisting of only me and her.

So many days go by with not enough effort. And it makes it easier to let go. Makes me more willing to let it slip away then to fight for something that is harder than mist to hold onto.

You say that I dont give you credit about you stopping by more. I see that. I know you say you are trying. But you arent. I know if you look closer you would see that too. Words are so easily spoken...not so easily proved.

What reason do I have to see that you truly care. When you come here...you pay little attention to working things out with me. I know you miss your daughter...and I think thats all there is to it. Maybe just maybe if you showed some of the joy at seeing me that you show at seeing her...then maybe id believe.

You get angry when i call a few times in a row...but you do not even act a bf who would care enough to pick up when his girl called. But thats the problem...why should I trap myself into being the woman of a man who doesnt hold her in enough regard to call back...to pick up....to show love and to be willing to work through this...to be willing to talk about whats on your mind. To find a way to make things better.

I wonder if you just wait for me to give up completly. So that you will become the victim. So that you can say finally. well I wanted it to work but she didnt. She gave up.

I have spent so much time committed to you. But now I wonder...do you really truly deserve that committment? What have you done that has shown you deserve it. What have you said or shown me of love?

You show the barest amount of tolerance on the good days. Never asking how my days go? How am I? Never even calling to see how your daughter is. That day she was sick...did you even call the next day to see how she was feeling. No! You couldnt spare the time.

So tell me, why should I spare any more of my time to you? And if you were me...would you choose differently.

Im tired of loving a stranger. Once I thought I knew you....but over and over again....what I know slips away to shadows of a man wont let me in...who chooses to let me slip away. Who cares nothing of the hurt I am feeling...cares not enough to erase the uncertainty i feel deep in my heart...Will you be sorry when my head wins this battle of confusion? For if things do not change soon....it will.

holding onto a string

2008-04-16T16:07:00.002-04:00

I wonder whats going on in your head. You say you want it to work. and sometimes you surprise me with the effort you put into it. But other times...most times. You dont seem to have the time.

I love you. I really do. But how much more of this can I take? This isnt a relationship. This is a joke right now. We barely see eachother. We never have any one on one time. And I feel like crying everytime you leave because its all so frustrating. Im reaching the end of my rope.

Damnit I reached the end a long time ago but kept grasping at the frayed edges trying to hold onto a string. It doesnt work anymore B. And I cant keep doing this. You want everything to be perfect. Want me to have a job and be set. Is it not enough to work on it with me out of work. Can you not help me figure things out. We have a daughter together. You barely even see her because your so damn busy with work. When b? When is it our turn to get your full attention?

When you decide its time...just know that the day you decide that...might be a day too late. the string cant hold forever

Does it get easier?

2008-03-14T12:39:00.002-04:00

less confusing
? I cant seem to stop myself sometimes. I wish...I wish is was back in the day...I was a woman who could be standoffish...wearing those gowns...but I was a strong woman. I could hold my own and no matter how much it hurt...I would go on. But that one day....you would realize how you felt. I would be in danger and you would rescue me and never leave again.

Crazy huh? Like something out of those fairytales...or even the shit romance novels you so fondly made fun of em for reading. But life isnt like that. You cant go back...You dont rescue me. and I go on hurting...and it shows.

I wish I could explain to you, and show you how I felt. I know I keep aggravating you by saying one minute I want us to work...the next im tired of waiting. I wish I could show you the inside of my head.

That I am somewhat desperate...hating myself for being so. I am desperate when you told me there was no need to be. But you dont see it. That just once, one small time...I wish you would show you are not like all the rest.

We never started off right, not the first time...not even the second or third time. I pictured life so differently than what has happened. And not for the first time in my life...once again...I am scared.

Could you ever know the truly worst of me...and love me anyways. The question rings in my mind. Empty so it keeps bouncing around the walls bouncing off the secrets I have trapped there for such a long time.

On my good days, I know. I can live and go on without you. That maybe we truly werent meant to be. Sometimes I doubt if I even want it. But when the silence creeps in, when its dark out. That coldness settles over me once again. And Im still searching. My heart is drawn to you still. I gave it to you for so long so maybe thats what keeps it going back and forth.

But thats not what I want. I want to know that the man im with would love me anyways...no matter what my past holds. I want to know that even though I can be a psychotic pain sometimes...that you can ignore that and still see the woman you love.

I tried to take a good hard look at myself today. I couldnt figure out what I saw. Its like trying to wipe off the bathroom mirror after a long hot shower. Its clear for a moment...then it just gets fuzzy again.

To wipe away the blur. That would be so much better. Yet how can I expect anyone to understand me...if I cant understand myself. All the fears, pain, hopes and dreams all so jumbled.

Im frustrated. At myself mostly. Im so damn tired too. Of all of this. I wonder if this is what my father felt...if it was. I think I can almost understand why he did it now. Its hard enough to fight the world. But fighting yourself is damn near impossible. You always lose no matter what the outcome.

Is this pitiful?

2008-02-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

That even through all the shit we've been through. I miss you. My head and heart simultaniously screm...I want to go home.

I got bad news today....struck deep and hard. My uncle died. I wanted you. I wanted you to hold me and say it would be ok. I wanted you to understand.

That day when I left....if only you had said. Dont go. I sit here trying to keep myself from being defeated...maybe it gets easier as I go...but right now I just keep wishing you would say...come home where you belong. That it should be so easy for you to want that.

Its all a dream. The family that pulls through...isnt for me I guess. My childhood dream and my adult hopes and wishes and prayers....are not to be answred the way I had wanted.

Im sorry....for every second I wasted with you. Im sorry....

I hate crying...so very much. And yet right now I cant seem to stop. I hate it...I hate myself for being so weak. I wish the hate overpowered the hurt. I wish I wasnt so weak. I wish I could turn a cold shoulder on this all...and move on through.

Some say congrats on moving on. Some say I shouldnt ask you anything. But I cant help it sometimes.

Does anyone know how much I loved you despite all our fights. Did you even. If you could feel the pain right now....it gets worse at night. I wish I could forget you.

But every time I look at her face. Its your eyes staring back at me. I love her to death....I would give up the world for her. But your eyes haunt me through her. Maybe someday they are right this will pass. But right now....its killing me inside and out.

They were right.

2008-01-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

I was retarded to stay here. To hope and try. Granted I wasnt trying my best. But the things you said last night. Wow! I acted pissed. Like I didnt care. Want to know the truth. You couldnt have said anything that cut more deep.

"You are the worst mother I have ever seen" ...."i cant even look at you anymore"..."if I look at you again I'm going to be sick"

Lets just say I was foolish. To think you loved me all this time. To think love could win. To think it was enough.

I know the house is disgusting...but to end it because of that. You didnt even say anything about how much it was getting to you. You dont talk to me. I woke up when you got home...asked how your day was. Spent a few minutes talking to you. You seemed fine...then you woke me up at 4am to say all this. And drunk non the less. Piss drunk. Was it because of that that you said what you did...ended things when and how you did. I dont really care. Though I do wonder what brought it on...why last night...why that way.

Accusing me of never backing you up on how you felt...never saying anything to make it better. Thats not true...but believe what you want.

But its not like I care anymore anyways. With what you said...how you acted...I cant go back from that. Not even if you wanted to.

Everything I gave to you. Everything I felt...its all gone now. You win. I hope youre happy now.

Cause all I hear is the echo of your voice..... Worst mother...

and a small voice whispers back in my head...its not true. its not true. ....

They were right about us...we could never work. More than anything else with this. I just sit here right now...feeling very stupid.

A friendship lost

2008-01-11T21:22:00.000-05:00

I have thought about you quiet a bit the past months. I wonder how you are...how life has been treating you. Mostly I wonder why you left with no word. I sent you an email....with a message that was strange...and probably came off way wrong. For that I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. TO hurt our friendship.

I was angry. Not at you...but at myself. And for some stupid reason I took it out on you. And lost you in the process.

Or is it that life has finally gone the way you hoped for you? If that is so, then i can not be hurt by this. I must be happy for you.

But it does hurt. same as it always does when I lose someone. Such a big part of my life...more than you realized....so it hurts when its over. A part of me I will never get back.

I knew it would happen. I told you...it was only a matter of time before it did. It just didnt happen as soon as I had expected. But in the end...it happened.

I wish you the best in life...in love...in everything. I wish you the best and say this last thing. Thank you. For every second you gave me. I wish those seconds could have lasted a lifetime. But thank you just the same. You are amazing in so many ways. And touched my heart so very much.

I will continue to miss you. As always. And here and there probably shed another tear at a friendship lost. Especially one as special as this.

asshat

2008-01-11T19:13:00.000-05:00

Once again...back to being a fucking idiot >(

Its not like its bad enough that I have no car here...what happens if I have to go to the er for the baby? But to not have a fucking phone in case something happens to the house phone? Which it did tonight. While im sitting here waiting for a call back from the doctors office about the babay throwing up. and he says i have to wait about 45 fucking minutes before its even a possibility of him bringing home a new one.

If the fucking asshat had just bought me the cell phone he promised me for my birthday. He wouldnt have to be coming home at all.

fucking jerk off!! You better hurry your ass home for her

now and maybe someday

2007-11-13T22:01:00.001-05:00

Take a walk on what you think is the carpet...
wipe your feet, grind in the dirt.
Broken glass lays shattered in the cracks.
Try to clean but only hurts.

Salt on a fresh cut.
If its not fresh you draw the blade
and make it bleed once again.

Heart breaker...truth betrayer.
Dream slayer.
All that is and ever was
kicked to the pit once again.

Your eyes blinded by your spite,
what you think you see is wrong.
Cold and empty shell is all you ever are.

Promises lay dying,
you turn away when your girl is crying.
But she wont be your girl ever anymore.

You took her deepest fears
and used them as a weapon.
Used your words and turned them into knives.
Promised youd never hurt her.
But it didnt take your fists to put her through a wall.

Still for some reason she lingers.
Hiding in the night while she cries.
Wishing to give her child more than she had
to give her something she always dreamed of
Hoping you'll step up and learn to be a man.

Take a step...
just one more.
Just get moving one foot out the door.
But the seed of doubts been planted.
You're unsure of the life that lies ahead.

Breath in the air...know that truth is out there somewhere
a dream thats not forgotten anymore.
Theres better than this
can you do it on your own?
Is there someone out there waiting to see your smile?

funny

2007-09-18T22:48:00.000-04:00

It's funny how things work out sometimes...funny what you think you know and what you think you are doing right...just turns out all wrong...and its all your fault...its your fault people are angry...its your fault people are hurt...its your fault you lose friends....you try and try to stop it from happening...but when the end of the day comes...youre all alone again.

yeah life is funny that way.

something about seeing it...

2007-09-15T23:17:00.000-04:00

my dad died when i was 12...i never really knew him even...he left before I was born, I met him for a week when i was 8 (wasnt sure about that even until i found an old old journal of mine last night) after that week I never saw him again. He lived out in kansas my mom and him never married even. We werent even asked if we wanted to go to his funeral...maybe they thought we were too young...or maybe it was a money issue. Theres not even a grave to visit cause he was cremated...Anyways i spent a lot of time growing up thinking maybe hes out there...maybe he just didnt want a family anymore and some day he'll decide he wants us again and come out of hiding.

That was the kind of weak person i was...wanting to believe in fairytales and happy endings. Since I never saw his grave or even death certificate I could never really let go. Even now being 24 and knowing that thought was silly I still have that dream some nights...that hes out there still alive.

After tonight its over...something about seeing it for the first time...even though I knew...is somewhat unbearable. I knew it was true....but I guess there was still that part of me that wanted to hold onto a stupid dream. Not anymore though

while on readers digest site it brought me to a site I could research family on...and I found him listed in the social security death index. I dont know if this gives me the closure I finally needed....or just the end of a silly dream i needed to hold onto.

something about a dream i needed to hold onto....that one small thing to hope for even though i knew it was shit. Kinda kills everything left in me right now

Cause the feeling remains...that tonight I lost him all over again

thoughts of the night...and forever to come

2007-08-16T23:08:00.000-04:00

I made a realization tonight...about a few things. Knowing me...you'd see someone who hides too much. I know this...and now I know...I'm done. I may not have the body I dream of....or even the one I used to have...but Im ok with that. I can do my own things to make it better a bit at least. But the reason I am this way...I would never regret it. I am proud of my body. It is mine.

I have spent so many months wasted...living online...hiding in my house not going out for walks even. Upset because I have few friends who live nearby to call on. But I have done nothing to rectify that. It's funny but the past few days have been amazing for me. No my bf is still not even sleeping in the same bed as me....no he hasnt turned romantic all of a sudden. I am happy because of me. My house is clean...all laundry done now. I have been spending more time just relaxing and playing with my daughter. My smile for once that appears to the outside world...is real.

I may not have the perfect life...but it is what I make of it. Let go of the bad things...for with them dragging me down...I couldnt get my head above water before. Im not drowning anymore though. No matter what happens in my life...in my relationship...I am me...I am never alone because of this. There is always someone there....ME. The years will pass by and even shorter than that...the weeks and days to come. But there will always remain now and forever this part of me. So from now on...even when things hit the worst...There will be that part in my head that says... HEY YOU! LISTEN UP HERE! You arent alone...you arent pathetic...you are you. You may not be someone you were always proud of...But you are getting there. You are strong...determined...stubborn...you can make it.

So sitting here tonight being completly exhausted...i am more relaxed than ever...

I may not be 100% happy right now...but I feel 100% free...for the first time in a long time...I can breath. My dreams are my own...my goals are mine to fight for. My life is mine to guide where I want it to go. So...Im stepping up to the plate now....man this is gonna be a great ride.

.................

2007-07-10T22:28:00.000-04:00

so can i throw a bitch fit even here....

I hate how i get...so paranoid so lost so lonely...i wish i had someone here to talk to...someone i could see face to face to tell me all my fears are silly. so many friends lost...so many judgements...so many times left out in the cold.

am i so wrong for who or how i am...for how i feel. Scared always...i hate that

if i could live on my own with no one i would be in heaven....not sitting here thinking everyone would leave...everyone would turn away.

donnie darko said it best in that movie "every living thing dies alone" but its more than that....every living thing lives alone too. Because despite how many people you let in...you are always wondering how soon? how long can they accept you? how long until you screw it up or they just decide to leave?

How long until you decide? I wish i could leave....leave myself behind.

What i tell people of me..is only half of what ive done or been through. Im just one messed up screwed up lost stupid idiotic loser. I watch those shows on tv where the girl finds the guy to change her world...and i dream of it...but all the while i fall deeper into the pit.

there is no such thing as a happy ending...there is no such thing as love.

just leave...before i believe in you please...before i see a glimmer of hoep that is just stepped on in the end...i wish sometimes...that i could be what i feel...which is nothing at all

through the cracks

2007-06-13T00:34:00.001-04:00

Hurt me; Heal me; Let me breath.
Hold me; show me...wheres the key?
Could you open up my mind for me,
see the things I see?
Explain in simple words...
why this has to be.

Tell me what to do...
cause Im falling hard.
Slipping through the cracks,
lost in thoughts.

Rymes dont explain...
the things i see inside...all these twisted lies.

Running only never
to get caught.

My life flashes by like a slideshow in the mirror.
No titles shown, to explain the show.
Confused...doesnt cut it.
Leaves an empty hole inside.

Running back to my only release.
One more time.
One more scar.
One more chance to heal the wounds.
Something not even I can explain...

understand...hear...see...please...cant you?
Dont! nevermind.
Leave it here to die.
an empty hole inside filled with dirt.
doesnt hurt.

Live just to be broken once again.

Drunk ramblings

2007-06-12T21:25:00.000-04:00

I'm an ass...in so many ways..insecurities rule sometimes...can you hear me? No! didnt think so. I am small and insignicant...in so many ways so many times. Can you reach through my insecurities to see me? Didnt think so...No one would want that much baggage. You want to be my friend? Shit can you deal with me and the bullshit that I include. What is this for? What am I for? I do my fucking best for her...but is it enough will it ever be enough. Are you really there? Or just waiting to screw me over? What are you doing now...what will you do...Why?

Can I turn back to my old friend...and let the tears fall again....i want to...more than anything i so desperatly want to...just to feel something...to see something real...

i am pitiful...i am lonely...i am having a pity party right now.

You will judge me for this...You will say omg look at that dumb bimbo. Yet you will never understand. You will never see the way my head works...you will never see my fears...the cause of tears...You will never see me.

Whatever though...just let it go

so why is it...

2007-06-11T23:48:00.000-04:00

that every time things start to go wrong...i think the worst of it? I do this with friends sometimes...with thinking they really dont like me or talk about me behind my back...or whatever...

and i do this in relationships...when it seems the guy im with is not happy...i imagine the worst...

maybe cause it always seems to happen...Ive been bailed on 3 times already when it got rough. It makes it hard to trust...especially when youve been bailed on before and gave it another shot...whats to keep him from bailing again.

so where to draw the line? Do i let myself become cold and numb...thinking this is as good as it gets...or do i keep fighting for it...over and over again never getting past this fear that is like a parasite to my heart and soul. That drags me down to the pit...and stomps me till i feel like i cant breath...like i'll never be whole again.

Trust...

2007-06-11T22:25:00.000-04:00

Something so easily lost...but so hard to gain. It is the single most important thing in people that determines their lives. How they face the world...how they face themselves. And when you do something you know will make you lose someones trust...even if they don't know about it...you lose you're own ability to put trust in people. Because it leads you to think. Well if I got away with it they can too...or they can get away with anything. So what to do. When this happens. When you've made a mistake that can maybe cost you everything you ever dreamed about. Something that has cost you before...no matter if you did it or they did....but how to gain back trust from and in that person.

Its a hard road. One I hate to travel. I dont trust easily....and even when I think I do trust it is always so shaky. I find it hard to believe...anything good sometimes.

So what do you put your trust in.

Love? I don't know as of now. Love is so frail nowadays. No one seems to want to work through anything. You just reach a hard point and throw in the towel. Maybe one person still fights...but the other has given up completely and is just waiting for an out. And when the only person left fighting has become so lost and so tired of it all...is somewhat losing themselves...they have no choice but to concede...Then you realize later what you had.... but cant get it back once its gone.

Friends? Maybe some...but how to tell which to trust and which not too...then comes the overwhelming problem of always being screwed over throughout life...and it makes it hard to trust...not to mention hard to let people in so you don't even let them close enough to see the real you and they pass judgment on one action...your own fault really...cause you gave them a picture of you that wasn't true...so they didn't understand your choices...as much as you never meant to hurt anyone....always you sit there wishing they could see you for who you really are...read between the lines. Though there are few and far between that have my full trust...in every way. That know who I am...have heard my deepest thoughts...and darkest secrets...ones i consider family.

Family? Desperately try to...but how do you do that when you weren't even wanted by one...some gave up on you and walked away when you most needed them...and still others...well they want you to be perfect...and when you aren't...you just don''t really belong. But they are always there when the sun shines...and no matter how much you aren't sure...you love them besides it all.

Material things? NEVER! they can be lost easier than the air you breath.

Hope? Hope is what i trust...cause its all i have sometimes...hope that the hand of fate can not always be cruel. That things will work out in the end. That even through the storms...I will survive to dance in the rain another day...

ignore me please

2007-05-30T00:21:00.000-04:00

I want more than this...more than meets the eye.
I want you to hold me when i even cry.

I want the sun to shine on days the tears fall down like rain.
And when im standing in the crowd let me in.

I want you to come to bed and hold me through the night.
I want you to tell me its ok,
tell me my life is worth while.

Tell me all my past mistakes dont make you sick.
Tell me you love who I am...
no matter what.

Tell me...
Show me...
Help me...
grow.

Can you hear my anger...
Can you stop the pain.
All this pain..pouring down like rain.

Can you change my mind.
Bring me back in time.
Show me all my doubts...
are worth fighting now.

Show me love.
Show me passion.
Show me lifes not just one way.

Please wont you hear my cry...
before i die inside.

Please forgive me.
For i know not what i do...
Please look past this.
The anger i include.

Save me now...
Show me how to live.
Show me love is true.
Show me how to forgive all i have done.

Ignore this cry...
ignore the foolishness inside please wont you.

Ignore all that i am...
all that i do.

please wont you.

this is me...at least tonight...warning you probably dont want to read this...drunk thoughts some not true...most true...i cant help what i think now

2007-05-29T23:11:00.002-04:00

You want to know me? Who i am...

I am broken...lost...confused. I always have been. I am the girl who has spent most of her life weak and crying. Since I was young, feeling as though i wasnt good enough and not doing a damn thing to change it. I am the girl who always dreams of fairytales...but never sees them come true. I am the girl who has felt like i was nothing because even her dad didnt want her...didnt think i was enough to live for...i am the girl who has stolen from her family...lied and cheated before to get what i wanted cause i didnt think the truth or good was a way to get what i wanted...or what would make me happy.

I am the girl who has been raped...literaly and figurativly...I have had my innocence stolen and made excuses for the thief. I have hated...always hated who i was...who i am. I have the scars to prove it. Could you love even the scars...could you acceopt and look past them?

I am the one who always messes up...always feels as though im wrong. I am the one who dreams of love...pure and true...but knows deep down no one could love this.

I have crossed the lines...done things i regret...done things to make me hate myself even knowing how i would feel that way, cause i didnt care.

I have lied to those i loved...cause i didnt care...cause i couldnt admit it.

I am lost...alone....hurt...broken...ashamed most of all. I can find nothing good in myself...though i find one good thing ive done. My daughter....

But she scares me even...it scares me that i will fail her...That i will be a bad influence on her...that i will lie to her and hurt her as i have done through out my life. That always above all i am not good enough.

that i will never find anyone that will be the man i dream of...accepting of all of me....every thing i have done...someone who can see potential and love me above all of it...someone who will love my daughter too as i will...someone who even though they are not her birth father...will love her as a dad does...

but i am me...broken, scared, hurt, a mess....i am a failure...in every way. I am lost....no one would want that...

I know guys...i know they want confidence in a woman...they want someone who fights for things...and as i fight...i lose myself...i am weak...ignore me please

tonight i am drunk.

but on the other side...still after all i believe in love...i dream of things i cant imagine...i wish for things and try even now knowing they might not come true...i am solid in what i feel good or bad...i will try for us in a way that most people think are stupid cause it gives me hope...i will put anyone before myself...it would make my year to make another smile for a lifetime....am i so bad afterall? i dream of love...of happiness...of acceptance...i dream of being all that i am not...most of all...i dream of accepting who i am...and making it something worthwhile

I am here for my friends...they matter more than anything...well second place to my daughter...but all of them come before...

and still i dream...always dream

I hate you

2007-05-21T22:10:00.000-04:00

That you could ever fucking be mad at me for this...That you could ever be mad that Im upset at the fucking thought of you fucking questioning whos kid she was. Cause I have fought and shed so many fucking tears for you...I have fought for us...and you are sitting here pissed thinking the fucking outcome of it all makes your doubts ok.

You sit here and say that You didnt ask for a dna test at the end...cause of how i felt...BUT YET IT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER. that you questioned whos she was. FUCK YOU!!! were we ever shit in your mind. Do my feelings ever mean shit to you. Apparently not...you sit there feeling like you are the only one who should be mad right now...You have all the fucking rights right now...well guess what asshole... YOU DONT DESERVE ME! YOU DONT DESERVE MY FUCKING DEVOTION! It killed me each and every fucking time you doubted who got me fucking pregnant....like i was the one who fucking walked away...not to mention the fact that i dropped my whole fucking life of partying to make you happy...but what the fuck have you ever done for me to make me happy? You couldnt even tell one stupid ass girl to quit calling to make me feel better...you said it was enough that you just didnt pick up...but wtf...it was ok for you to ask me that of someone i NEVER FUCKING LEFT YOU FOR...unlike you who left me for her.

WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR? why am i still fucking here...why does part of me still fucking care about you about what the fuck you think....

WHY CANT I FUCKING WALK AWAY!!!

Silent Thoughts

2007-04-20T21:21:00.000-04:00

I sit here tonight as I have done for many nights in a row now…silence…left alone with my thoughts.

How much can a person take? I do not understand my own reasoning sometimes. I have delt with a lot in my opinion…but is it too much? Who can say other than me…but the problem is…I do not know. No matter how many times I roll this thought over in my head, I cannot figure out the answer. I want so much more in life…in love. But I do love him. So where to go from here. Is it too much to want him to hold me when i cry. To dry my tears no matter if he thinks Im being silly. Is it too much to want him to come to bed and hold me at night. Is it too much to wish he would show enthusim at doing something with me..even something as little as watching a movie together…but it always remains with the response maybe…maybe we will…maybe that sounds good.

So many things unsaid, that I need to hear. He talks of in the future of marrying me..of maybe next year buying the ring. My heart leaps at that…but then sinks down low…cause I think at those moments am I giving up on more. I dont think he can give me more. I have a quote “just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them too, Doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have”

So what happens when you still want more. I have always been stubborn, thinking it can work…stubborn I dont want to give up on him. But is it more I dont want to give up on myself? That if I leave him I fail me.

I have been thinking about the other guys I talk to on a daily basis…the way they react to things..and posts. Yeah maybe this would be a bad comparision because I dont know them in person and internet can change who you truly are…but some of them…make me think about things differently..make me want more.

Can I ever get a hold on my thoughts…someday soon I hope so.

Silence

2007-04-20T20:54:00.000-04:00

I sit here tonight as I have done for many nights in a row now...silence...left alone with my thoughts.

How much can a person take? I do not understand my own reasoning sometimes. I have delt with a lot in my opinion...but is it too much? Who can say other than me...but the problem is...I do not know. No matter how many times I roll this thought over in my head, I cannot figure out the answer. I want so much more in life...in love. But I do love him. So where to go from here. Is it too much to want him to hold me when i cry. To dry my tears no matter if he thinks Im being silly. Is it too much to want him to come to bed and hold me at night. Is it too much to wish he would show enthusim at doing something with me..even something as little as watching a movie together...but it always remains with the response maybe...maybe we will...maybe that sounds good.

So many things unsaid, that I need to hear. He talks of in the future of marrying me..of maybe next year buying the ring. My heart leaps at that...but then sinks down low...cause I think at those moments am I giving up on more. I dont think he can give me more. I have a quote "just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them too, Doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have"

So what happens when you still want more. I have always been stubborn, thinking it can work...stubborn I dont want to give up on him. But is it more I dont want to give up on myself? That if I leave him I fail me.

I have been thinking about the other guys I talk to on a daily basis...the way they react to things..and posts. Yeah maybe this would be a bad comparision because I dont know them in person and internet can change who you truly are...but some of them...make me think about things differently..make me want more.

Can I ever get a hold on my thoughts...someday soon I hope so.

Emotions

2007-04-14T21:18:00.000-04:00

Overwhelming anger...drives my mind.
One breath...dont slip...not this time.

All the thoughts Im having,
I wish were not my own.
Now sitting down thinking,
I want to be alone.

In my misery is where you'll find me....hating what they did.
Every step of every thought...anger bursting through the lid.

The one who was supposed to be there understanding at his best.
When it came down to the end...he failed half the test.

The one who was my hero growing through the ages...
How dare she try to ruin all that I have gained.
Embarrased me in front of them...I tried to make a stand.
But my anger overcame me...thats just who I am.

I can not understand it, why things have gone so wrong.
In my mind echos that one sad song.
Trying to grasp my memories of the man who lay there dead
But all the anger all the pain twists confused in my head.

He didnt understand...said I had picked the fight.
Why that day...why that night?
Did he understand my heart cant take it now.
I stood alone back behind the crowd.
Trying to grasp what they had. A love pure and true.
But hes to fucking stubborn...a fight i may just lose.

She hates him with a passion. That makes me sick inside.
Holds my past against me..biding for the time.
To throw mistakes back in my face, in front of all the rest.
The test of friendship now fading, maybe for the best.

RESPECT!
Its all I want.
Respect is all I ask.
I have... goddamn Ive earned it.
They both give but take it back.

My heart is torn in pieces now.
The tears I cry out loud.
Anger mixed with pain.
Nothing here to gain.

To disappear to take a moment.
Only for myself.
Step back from them and look at me.
Try so hard and yet cant see.

What my needs are...
What I want...
Where Im going...
What to do.

Fucking hell Im losing it

Good-bye

2007-04-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

It was so hard today….seeing him lying there. When I first got to my aunts house I could swear for the first 10 minutes I could see his chest rising and falling. But leaning over to touch his hand. It was already growing cold. It seems surreal. Not possible…that the man who brought so much hope…so much happiness…so much laughter to our lives is now gone from it.

I know he is in a better place now…he is without pain. But I am selfish. That doesnt make it any easier on me. I sat there crying…not able to stop the tears for at least a half hour…then all of a sudden…nothing…no tears no anger…no pain no happiness…no relief.

Just a cold hollow feeling… I havent felt this alone since my dad died. I know I need to let it out…before I explode. But i just cant. Never have been able to never will I think. I sit here in silent agony…not able to even force the tears to come. I hide admidst the pain…desperatly hoping it will go away. Desperatly hoping I wont have to feel it…feel anything.

I now keep dreaming of the possibilities…the possibility of one more day with him. One more story…one more laugh…one more elusive kiss. Just one more time please.

One more time to see my hero…to see the man I admire and have always aspired to make proud of me. But that day can never happen…

and so I sit here…alone in the empty silence of my head…searching for a way out…searching for the thoughts that are running rampant in my mind…searching for the tears that wont fall completly.

Time…it will take time…but time is hard to deal with…when it comes to pain.

I sit here now thinking of my daughter…and hoping my memories will be enough to tell her of her great grandpa…tell her of the great man he was…and how he helped mold my life…I cry when i think of the fact that she will never remember him in person…that he will not be here to see her grow…that he will miss out on so much of my life…

so many things…so many thoughts…so much sorrow now.

I pray for that sunshine to hit again…to smile and feel it right to my bones…but it will take time…time

tic tock…tic tock….now to watch the ticking of the clock…and wait

breath…just breath

So hard sometimes

2007-03-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

I can remember when i was little…every family holiday sitting around my grandfathers feet…all of us…listening to his stories. Stories of war…and stories of his youth. My grandpa…with the big ole’ pot belly. Always had cookies ready for us…he used to tease us too. He’d point to a place on his cheek where he wanted a kiss…then pull away last second to make us miss the spot he pointed to…then he’d shake his fist at us and say im gonna punch ya in da nose if you dont get it this time…and the game would be repeated numerous times till we finally grabbed hold of his face and planted that big smacker dead on. Memories of him cooking us all breakfast when we went down to visit him and grandma. Of him teasing us and telling us that if we dug a hole deep enough we could go to china…then letting us dig that hole right in the middle of his backyard…Of the world of reading he shared with us those nights just sitting quietly beside him reading our seperate books… He introduced me to my love of westerns…of John wayne and Clint Eastwood. Of the louie L’moure books. So many memories…so much happiness…nothing could hold him back. He was proud and strong. Maybe not always in health but in spirit.

Seeing him now…laying in bed..so thin and so weak…it crushes me…feels like someone punched me dead in the stomach with a pitchfork. I look at him and my heart and soul are in anguish. Today I couldnt stop the tears…I held onto his hand said I love you…and the once lovingly gruff voice could not even answer back. I know he has had a full life…he has a loving family…but I want my grandpa back. I am selfish…God you cant have him! But I cant bear to see him in pain anymore. He is slipping away and there is nothing I can do to turn back time to have just a bit longer with him…1 more story…one more day of him being able to sit up without pain.

I have to force myself to walk into his room…to see him to make sure I dont regret not saying goodbye…Its so hard though. To see him suffering like this…bedridden with the worst bedsores….Not being able to speak half the time…not being able to open his eyes to see who is in the room with him…not knowing our voices unless we tell him who we are a million times.

He woke up a bit today…briefly…wiggled his finger at Kylie…and she grabbed on tight. Im sure it brought him a sense of happiness. I unfortunatly did not see it happen. I had to leave the room before I burst into sobs there. My mom is the one who told me what had gone on.

Everyone stands in his room so calmly. Like they have accepted it already. They seem to be counting down the days till hes at peace. I can not be so calm. Feeling a huge part of my life ripped apart.

My grandpa told me once…right after I had fought with my mom…cause I was grumpy…he looked at me and said… “You tell your mom…You tell her it doesnt matter what she says…my grandpa loves me…even when Im grumpy” …My grandpa loves me…

It hurts…everything hurts…I wonder how long till its over. My grandmother is having the worst time…theyve been together over 60 years…for 60 years they have faced every battle life threw at them. She sat there tonight and grabbed hold of his hand during one slightly lucid moment…and he barely got the words out “Id know that hand anywhere” and smiled so peacefully… They had true love….I want a love like that.

I dont even know how much longer my grandmother will last after he passes. They have been together so long that their spirits are joined. Will I lose her too? She is starting to suffer from alzhimers…can barely remember things sometimes…but yet when he calls for her she runs. Sits by his side so many hours…Such a sadness surrounds her now.

Death…its not fair…needed I know…but unfair…How can death so cruely ravage such a great man. For it is death that is ravaging him now…it is trying to claim him. But no, not yet…he still fights…still hangs on…to every last moment.

My grandfather is the greatest man I have ever known. He fought bravely for his country many times. He survived. He has gone through hardships I can only imagine (the depression…loss…a hard childhood that we would not even consider a childhood now)..and he survived. This is one battle that ultimately he will lose.

But will it be lost? Id like to think not. I want to believe that he will go to a better place. He will be young again and free from his pain. Will know happiness. Id like to think we will meet again someday.

I am scared…and tired…hurting. A part of me will die when he does…a very large part. But he will live on in memories. I will tell my daugther of her great grandpa…try to remember his stories tho i can never match his storytelling. Her and Bo are my strength now. Bo is my main source of strength…but it does so much to lighten this burden in my heart whenever I hear her laughter…see her smile.

As much as Bo is my strength though…there are no words of comfort he can give at this time. Nothing no matter what can take away the pain I feel. Nothing can make it better. The world will be a little colder when this great man passes. One who has touched so many lives..not just his family. I only wish Kylie was old enough so she would remember her great grandpa.

I will never forget him…and I will try to have the strength to spend whatever time I have left with him…Its just hard to see him so frail…I dont want to remember him that way

God, if you are truly out there as i try to always believe… Take care of my grandpa…He is a great man. I love him so much

Haunting Past

2007-02-22T21:16:00.000-05:00

So for some reason I started thinking tonight about my past mostly…Its a jumble of thoughts and I dont quiet know where to start…So I’ll start as close to the begining as possible.

School growing up for me was horrid…I was never popular…for my beliefs or my looks…the best way people knew how to make fun of me was to say…if your own dad didnt want you or want to be around you…why would you think anyone else wanted to.

That hit me hard cause he was never there for me…wanted my mom to abort me…he would have been there for my sisters if she had…and then he hung himself…when I was 12…and there was never anyone to ask questions about him…or about what happened…they all wanted to just let it go and never speak/think of it again….so I lived in silent agony…for a father who never cared…for the father I always wanted…I told myself for the longest time…hes not really dead…he just didnt want us to contact him…maybe someday he’ll change his mind and want me again…I never even was given the option to go to his funeral…I dreamed he was alive…sometimes I still do.

My first bf…was paid to go out with me by a guy at school who then wanted his money back for it…said if I kept paying him the bf would stay.

My first experience with sex…or sex related things…was with my oldest sisters ex bf. I had a crush on him for a few years thought he was my friend…so we used to go rollerblading sometimes…we ended up at his house one night for some water and I wound up being pinned down to the couch with his dick in my face…him saying im not letting you up till you suck it..even though i was crying he still wouldnt let me up…then after i finally did it…i also wasnt given a choice for sex.

First time I cut…my bf (the first guy I ever trusted after that whole deal with my sisters ex)…we were together for a week short of 2 years….he just up and told me one day it was over…no explanation no reason…so I did the one thing I thought would get a response…I almost cut through the vein on my wrist (while driving) it didnt stop bleeding for about an hour…he said good mayeb they’ll put you in a psych ward where you belong…and the cutting kept up since he decided to string me along after that…telling me it was my fault we broke up for about 2 weeks straight…then finally admitting he had a girl at a bar give him a blowjob…he thought for that day he was in love with her.

The next guy I met was the worst out of them…with him I drank everyday…cause I needed the acceptance from him…that was the only way I could get it…then I started the drugs…first just weed… then we couldnt find that so it went to coke…then crack. Where everyday I would get out of work by 4pm and smoke a blunt on the drive home…then immediatly hit the packy store and drink till I passed out barely waking up for work most of the time.

That finally started ending with him after him starting a fight with me cause I called his mom after he took some pills…he was flipping out and scaring me and he got mad at me for cutting off his drug supply so he called me a cunt, whore, bitch and slut… I got arrested for disturbance cause he claimed i started the fight….though i was the one with the bruises. It finally ended when on my 20th birthday he beat the shit out of me for one of my friends pouring a beer over some girls head (sopme girl he wanted to screw)…it was my fault somehow… That night cause of him beating on my stomach I also found out I had been pregnant…he beat the baby out of me…I was in the hospital for 2 days afterwards.

then I found new “friends” who were big into smoking crack….I went over there about every other day…especially when i got paid…I feel now as though I sold my soul for it….I dont even want to think about the things I did when I wanted it…I sold all my stuff…I spent every dime I had…I made “friends” with the worst sorts…as I said I sold my soul.

There was one day that finally got me started on the clean path…someone who I smoked with asked me for a ride to his boys house to drop off a dvd…when we got there he went into the kids car to leave it…only afterwards did i find out that he had stolen about 3 grand worth of crack…I had dealers following me around for about 4 hours threatened me…my family…even though i didnt know what had been going on…I had just been the ride… I finally shook them and made it home…swearing I wouldnt go near the stuff again cause my nephew lived in my house too…I wouldnt risk them for drugs.

But it didnt quiet end there…I was still cutting…still drinking…still doing drugs…thank god no one offered me anything worse…or Id probably be dead now.

I wish sometimes I could go back and change all of it…but that would mean I wouldnt be here…with bo…with our daughter. But it kills me sometimes…when I take that first drag of a cig….and it very rarely…but sometimes reminds me of that oh so tempting taste of crack…that giddy devil may care feeling… It kills me when i reach a breaking point and I dream of the blade slicing through the arm…anything to take the focus off the mental pain and anguish…It kills me when i want to drink till I forget who i am or what i am doing….It kills me cause I know that was the worst of me…of my life…that is when i was living death.

But it makes me stronger…evrytime I feel that…and I say NO! I am stronger than this…I do not want that…I will not succumb to those temptations of my past…

Yet still it haunts me….and every day….I long to forget…

to forget…the little girl hiding in a corner crying with no friends…crying for the daddy she never had…the daddy she always wanted…even needed…for the 17 year old girl who was innocent to everything…and had that innocence stolen by a 23 year old “friend”…to the girl who has always been there…desperatly crying out for love…for the proof…that in this world she does matter…for all that I have lost…all that I have given up on…for all that I have betrayed.

If only…if only I could forgive myself…

maybe someday I can

Parasites

2007-02-20T21:16:00.000-05:00

Someone referred to children as parasites today….saying they’d rather have a career than feed parasite people… Made it sound as though you can have only one or the other and that if you have children you can not be independant.

Her referal to children as parasites made me so angry…considering the defination of parasites is an animal or thing that feeds off a host without benifiting it. That is so not a true definition of children. Especially not my child.

Before I had my daughter I was floundering for a purpose in life…sure I had work I had friends and a family and a great bf… but still I felt lost. I was lost in my past much of that time…wondering what my future held.

I was depressed…and feeling hopeless… thinking I couldnt do anything right. And then came the day I found out I was pregnant. I felt the earth fall out from under me that day. Oh my god…what am I going to do? Will I be a good mom? Will he want the baby? Will I be able to do this on my own if he doesnt? So many questions rushed through my head that day. And for many days afterwards. I realized she was growing inside me more and more each day. And each day I thought…am I making a mistake…but I cant go back. Then came the first day I felt her move…the only way I can describe it is that it felt like little bubbles coming to the surface and then popping on the top of my stomach. I remember the wonder I felt that day…and each day after it whenever I felt that life inside me…that miracle. Every day I had a bad day…Id come home and just want the world to disappear…then she’d kick and brought the world back to me. She made it all feel wonderful and ok from the first day.

Now…yeah it gets hard…I get tired…There is so much to do everyday and no sleep to keep up on it. I get grumpy sometimes…I miss work…and then I stop and think…………….

Every smile I cause to come to her face…everyday the laughter comes a little easier to her…everytime she grabs my fingers…brings this overwhelming joy to my life. She keeps me from losing all hope. When I think about stupid things from my past…I look at her and I cant dwell on it any longer.

I held her tonight feeding her right before she fell asleep…with her newest eagerness to explore she kept grabbing my face…my nose my mouth even my eyes…and I sat there and drank it all in. Its like nothing in the world could disrupt my world at that moment. Nothing could bring me down. She brings discovery…happiness…fulfillment to my life everyday…and most of all…she brings love…and trust.

Parasite? I think not! She is the greatest gift I could ever have…she makes me…my bf…my family…my life, complete.

There is time enough in my future to work on a career…for now…I have the best and most fulfilling job in the world. I am a mom… and DAMN proud of it.

I wish

2007-02-19T21:15:00.000-05:00

with all that is going on between bo and me right now…with all that is stressed between us…God how I wish I could turn back time to save him from this heartach…I wish I could turn back time and heal the wounds between him and his dad…I had the chance too…I got his dad’s number from his sister…I was planning on calling him and trying to get him to make the effort to call Bo…but I just never got around to it…

honestly that is one of the things killing me right now…I wish I had tried that sooner…before the chance was lost. Yeah I know it wasnt my fault…but i had a chance to do something…or rather to try something to at least make a difference….and now it is too late.

So I sit here…helpless….wishing I could heal the pain in Bo’s heart right now…wishing I could turn back time…and give them one more day together…one more day to make things right…to say I love you…to say goodbye.

death is so hard to handle…but it kills me that there is nothing I can do or say to make him feel better…to make him stop hurting…

I love him so much…even with the bad times….I love him…I dont want to see him hurt…I would rather die myself than to see him hurt anymore…he cries on the inside…doesnt show the pain…and I cry on the outside…cause I wish I could take it all away

Save me

2007-02-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

so his dad just passed away…this is the time when i should be most supportive…but I just cant seem to stop exploding at him…when he says he’ll take her for an hour before he goes to work…then asks me to go to the store to get him beer…when i get back he says oh im sorry i dont have time to take her anymore….so i explode.

when i just want to spend time with him and he goes off to get stuff from his sister…I cant go cause he doesnt want to risk being caught in the snow with the baby…so i explode

Things are eating away at me…and I dont want to give up on us…but i know that i am pushing him further and further away…everything that happens now just makes this all seem hopeless.

Bottleing up the fact that he didnt even get me anything for valentines day cause he was worried about money…i can understand that fine…but yet he had enough money to get beer…sure he bought 2 bottles of champagne…but I DONT WANT ALCOHOL!!!…all I wanted was something that says…hey i know its rough for us…But I love you.. shit a card something…

I cant stop expolding about everything…even the smallest things set me off…Im so beyond stressed…I cant even relax at all…cant drink till I relax…cause I just wind up hungover and getting stressed the next day cause i can never sleep in anymore even when hes home.

I sat there the other night holding a blade…stressed to the point I almost broke apart…and then I forced myself out there to look at my daughter…my reason to keep going…and thank god I couldnt do anything.

But that scares me…almost…almost…its just to damn close for me…I wish I could smoke…weed is not as bad as other things i could do…I need something to relax…I cant take this anymore…

helpless…hopeless…hurt…angry…scared…frustrated…

lost.

please God, save me…before i lose my mind

I hate valentines day

2007-02-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

This has usually always been a day I dread…it usually doesnt work out the way I hope it would…and so is not this year either….tho I think it has been destroyed fo r me completly unless something major changes later today.

When Bo got home tonight…I was in the process of making him one of his presents…a whole bunch of sex ideas written on paper placed in a box…where he could pick one out whenever ( i thought he’d like a kind of game out of it since some of the stuff was also stuff I wasnt normally comfortable with but I would do for him)…So when I tried to give it to him…he said not tonight…even after seeing how I was excited about it…he said…no please…just do it tomorrow…I dont feel like it tonight (meaning he doesnt feel like getting my present to him)…ok so that was the first downer…

We drink a few beers together…he drinks much more than I…so by the end of the night…he grabs me by the hand…and leads me out to the computer…mind you I HATE internet porn…im just really uncomfortable with it and he knows this but the other night i gave it a try watching with him…and wound up telling him if he watched it with me I would be ok with it every once in awhile…so yeah he leads me out to the computer after just doing it 2 nights earlier…so I wasnt ready for another dose yet…plus c’mon…I mean its coming up on valentines day…isnt that to focus on your partner if/when you have one…its about the love you share with them…so I asked him do we have to do this tonight…and his response was…well I thought since its almost v day (meaning he wanted to get it on)…then after that he stumbled…oh wait Im sorry…I didnt mean that (about the internet) …yeah I know he was drunk so he didnt realize he basically told me well I thought since it was almost v day we could look at other girls… Does he have any idea how much my heart fell after that…how hollow I felt…and how desperatly I fought back tears…it felt as though he was saying…Its v day…and I want to look at hot girls with you…cause you just arent enough…Valentines day is supposed to be special…supposed to share that time with your S.O. making them feel/know they mean the world to you….so why do I feel like shit now.

And yet…what was my response after my initial reaction…oh its ok babe…no biggie…we can look if you want…

cause I would have done anything he wanted…I would always do anything for him.

This is becoming my downfall…I am loosing selfesteem…I am losing myself…for him

For my love for him…

Thinking if I just hang on…just a little bit more…he will show me how special I am to him…that he will show me how much I mean to him…

but I am holding my breath too long…and someday soon…I fear it will all fall apart…I will look at myself in the mirror…and hate who I have become…clinging only to the one thing I have not screwed up so far….my daughter.

But my heart aches….it was like tonight was the last arrow it could take…I cant even bear to sleep beside him…I dont think I will be giving him that one gift tomorrow…I also have a card and a movie for him…I shall give him those…

and distance myself for awhile…I can not bear the pain…the disappointment…the hollowness anymore…as much as I love him…I can not take myself anymore

Near The End

2007-01-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

I sat there with a blade tonight, almost not caring what was right.
The pain builds, the fears kills, emptiness left inside.
Need you, want more…more than what you give.
The love I have for you fighting the anger…which will live through the war?
I take more than I can take…pushing you away.
Trying to keep you closer than you are.
Heed this cry…befor we die…Our chance is almost gone.
Every step the wrong way….everything done wrong.
Saddness overwhelming…empty in the soul.
Only one light left to guide my way.
One reason to keep going.
One reason left to live.
I’ve given to you all I had to give.
I deserve more than this.
To know love’s a precious gift.
I should feel special in every single way.
Not a burden, not a pain.
There is happiness to gain.
Will you take the chance or just walk away.
Time is running out…whichever way you choose to go…
Choose it fast.

Crappy feeling

2007-01-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

I realized today…or maybe last night…that i am slightly jealous of my own daughter…I dont hold it against her…its not that kind of jealousy…is it even jealousy though…maybe it could more be described as envy…those words are so easy for him to say to her…he says it on a daily basis…but still i never hear them…I never hear him say …I love you

It’s a sad feeling whatever word you use to describe it…and it makes me wonder sometimes…why is it so hard for you to say…If you did….so I get the feeling …that you really dont.

My heart hurts…this gaping hole is getting bigger the more and more I think about things…the more I realize things are not how I wish they could be… No matter how many happy days we have now…they never truly feel happy to me…cause I know not too far away…these feelings will creep back up on me…

I dont feel like you love me for me… I think you love me only for her sake

Too much...too many

2007-01-08T21:12:00.001-05:00

There are just way too many thoughts running through my mind today…about you …about me…about us… I wish I could make sense of them all…even more so I wish I could put them all out of my head…

tired of bouncing back and forth of happy and scared…it only takes a split second to change now…am I pushing you away more and more? I know I do a lot of it on purpose…but I cant seem to stop myself. Please just shake me…as hard as you can…yell at me to stop… tell me no matter what I do you wont leave so stop pushing…

Do you feel like that though? You told me once that when the bad gets to be more than the good…we just keep fighting on for us…do you still think that way…or have I pushed you to the edge already?

Never Alone

2007-01-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

You cried last night when I put you to bed….just as you do every night when i put you in there before you are fast asleep. I listened for a few minutes feeling so rotten for leaving you there screaming….then feeling more rotten as I pulled you out when I could no longer just sit there hearing it. Feeling rotten for pulling you out cause I know that I must get you used to falling asleep by yourself and on time…

It wasnt because I hated hearing the cry that I went to get you…I can stand the crying no problem…but it was out of desperation… My desperate need to let you know that I am here…That I will always be here and that you are not alone. I know you are too young to make thoughts like that…just from one night of having to cry yourself to sleep. Maybe it is based off my own feelings though. That there are so many times when I feel so alone…so many nights I have cried myself to sleep and I know how awful it feels.

Does it feel the same with you? Or do you not even remember it in the morning?

Am I doing it right with you? What if I screw up? Why cant I just do what I think is best without second guessing myself all the time?

I am sitting here now typing away as you take a nap…and my ears perk up to every sound…are you awake? … are you having a bad dream…do you need me? …

And whether it is good for you or not…I will come the second you call…I will always come.

No this does not mean you will get your way with everything or even most things when you grow older…but it means that you will never have to feel as though you have no one to turn to…I want you to know…perhaps need you to know even now…that I will come whenever you call…

You are starting to whimper now….so my angle…I am coming…

So we talked

2006-12-13T21:11:00.000-05:00

We talked again last night…I felt as i always feel at the begining…that whats the point I’ve said this stuff so many times but its never done any good before…but last night was different…and i feel so much better this morning…I told him last night that it was always good enough before when he didnt say anything about how i looked or give me compliments or even say i love you to me…because at that time i hadnt thought about a serious future with him…i was only thinking of the right then…but how i didnt want to go the rest of my life without hearing i love you…or hearing him compliment me on something…also…brought up what he had said…that if any guy ever treated our daughter the way he treated me he’d kill the guy…so i also asked him why is it ok for him to treat me that way then…and i think it finally sunk in…he told me i was right about that…he even came to bed with me last night when he had to get up early for a double shift today…

things are def. looking up now.

Hitting the floor

2006-12-12T21:10:00.000-05:00

I try to get past the scared insecure girl i once was…and came so close at one point. But it seems she’s always there looking back at me from the mirror. Lately I’v been strugglining with my relationship…wondering if he still cares…wishing for just one kind word unasked for…but they dont come…as much as i wish for them…the wish remains unanswered.

I hear it durning our fights…stop acting like a stupid bitch…stop acting like a stupid whore…is it the alcohol talking or is it like they always say…somehow true…you tell the truth when youre drunk…

and so i wait…for a compliment on how much weight i have lost so far…a compliment on how good a job i did on the house…something…anything to show that i matter…

But no…i see a girl who doesnt get to take a shower everyday…who doesnt get to dress up nice cause she has no clothes that fit her…and besides even if she did…they’d be covered in spit and baby drool by midday…I see someone who barely even does her hair cause it’ll just get messed up soon enough anyways…

Maybe the fault is mine…I dont try hard enough…I should excercise more to lose the weight…Then i wouldnt be too fat for my clothes…I should quit complaining so much …i have it easy i only have to watch the baby all day…i dont do anything else…

I wait so desperatly to hear something…anything that tells me I’m desireable to him…I wait so desperatly to hear him say or show that he doesnt want to live without me…that i make his life complete and happy…and that without me he’d feel a little lost…but those words never come…

Will i ever hear it…will i ever value myself again…will I ever stop being so pathetic that i will not need to hear any words from him to make me feel special or pretty…or worthy

My heart hurts right now…deeper than any pain it has felt before…my eyes are tired from crying…I am tired…and i want to give up….I dont know where to turn to …i dont know what to do…it feels like everyday I sink a little lower…everyday i lose a little bit more hope…a little bit more confidence.

Will he realize I’m slipping…will he even care…does it matter to him…do I? …

I wish…………………………………

Our Story

2006-12-02T21:09:00.000-05:00

ok so here it is…some of the basics of our story…which may tell why I can get so insecure sometimes…

I met you back in Oct. 2004 … and kinda fell in love you with you right from the start. You were so different than any guy I had met before…You made me feel like I could be so much more than I was. From the day we met we basically started seeing eachother everyday almost….and it wasnt long before we slept together (maybe a mistake but it felt so right to me) About a month into seeing you…I started wondering…why was I good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date…I started thinking something was wrong with me…we had a talk one night finally cause at this poiint I slept over quiet often…it was late at night and we were laying in bed together…I asked you why you hadnt asked me out…why you wouldnt…asked you if something was wrong with me…you proceeded to tell me about this friend you had…Jen. You had been friends with her for 2 years…she was your best friend…and you both had liked eachother for that whole time but nothing ever came of it…you told me that before getting into something serious with me you wanted to tell her. Which you did about a month later….then she decided at that time that she wanted you…after she had 2 years she decided she wanted you when I almost had you. You stopped talking to me and her both for a few weeks then…to have time to gather your thoughts and think about what you wanted…In the end you started seeing me again. I Offically moved in with you after knowing you for 6 or 7 months…and 3 months later you asked me out (to make it offical) …I thought it was smooth riding from there…but something happened…I wouldnt tell you not to see her…or not to be friends with her…thats not the kind of person i am…so you still went out with her and your other friends…and thats when it started going downhill…we started fighting (cause I was scared of losing you) and somehow one night she told you…”If you guys dont last I could see myself getting serious with you” …I asked you then what you wanted…what was going on…You told me (the first time you ever said those words to me and it was tainted) I love you…but I love her… She put the idea into your head…so in august…you left me…cause you said…you’d spend your life saying what if about her…and you’d eventually resent me for it.

I was heartbroken…more than you’ll ever know…so I went on…praying that you’d change your mind…not letting go of hoping that you’d come back to me… and at the same time moving on with my life…not calling you anymore…waiting for you to be the one to call…then 2 months after we broke up …you started calling again…asking me to go to the bars with you (you wanted someone to drink with) … and the first night we hung out…we wound up back at your house…and did something that maybe should not have been done… It happened 3 more times before it was too much for both of us…we agreed…we couldnt sleep together anymore…could be friends and hang out…but not sleep together…

It didnt work the way we agreed…you even took a night off when we had made plans…saying you needed to think…I didnt realize at that time but she was starting up saying the same things to you again…you went out with your guy friends to the bar…and I got a phone call at 3 am…you were parked at the McDonalds up the street from me somehow…you didnt remember driving there at all…in fact you had wanted a night away from both me and her so you said that night…but a cop was there and would have arrested you had you driven…so I walked up there and drove you home…I always asked myself why? …why did you drive towards my house when you live the oppisite way…why?

Well so its novemeber now…and you spent thanksgiving with me and my family…were we back together? No…not really…december comes and I finally ask what happened with her…I lasted so long but i finally had to know if she was still in the picture…i didnt want to go through that again…you told me you guys dated for a week…and then i had called one night…she then told you you couldnt have anything to do with me so you broke up with her…I always thought that was you choosing me over her…now I’m not always so sure if it might not be just choosing not to be with her cause she tried telling you what to do…

So we stayed unoffically together and I sorta moved back in…rather I stayed there for days on end till you sent me home…then came that fateful day in march…I took that test…and the blue line appared..I was pregnant…Oh god what would you say? …would you kick me to the curb completly…or what…I didnt know…But you…You jumped right back into US! decided we were a couple then…that you would be there for the baby that was oh so unexpected and unwanted (on your end) …

Now we are hitting that rocky road again…where will we turn from here? Will you once again decide its too much work…too much effort…or will you fight just as hard as I will for us…for our family? I dont know…

Yes there is so much more to this story…so much more happy memories…and some more bad ones…but thats not the point of it…You went out today with your friends…with Jens sister…you told me she wouldnt be there…but my heart is grasped in the fear that she was…that she may put a wedge between us again…and you will once again turn your back on me…

After all this…you wonder why I am scared…why I worry…how can you not understand…You left me once…how can I be sure you wont do that now

The now ever present fear...

2006-11-29T21:07:00.000-05:00

I now know that if we didnt last he’d fight me for custody of her… “Why is it fair that you get her and I dont” his exact words…I’ll tell you why its fair…because I carried her for nine months…because I gave birth to her…because I wanted her from the second I found out about her…because even though I never left the house to go out to bars or clubs…and didnt have any guy friends…you still doubt she’s yours…because the only reason you signed that aknowledgement of paternity at the hospital is beacuse you still would have 60 days to contest it so you could still get the test done when you were ready…because I will be there for her more than you will be able to with how you work at least 55 hours a week and go to shhool part time…

Its fair because I am her mommy…because she is the center of my world…and because I will not hesitate to tell her each and every day that I love her…where you have already said those words are so hard for you to say…so you probably wont even say them to her…because even when she has a bad night (even though I occasionally get frustrated) I will never say I dont want to hold her…becasue “I’m not in the mood for her/ I’m done with her for now” (those were you exact words her first fussy night…granted like i said i get frustrated with her…and a lil’ loudly ask what do you want…kinda frustrated voice…but then I stop and realize…just because I’m tired and shes fussy…doesnt mean I can get mad at her…or “tired/sick” of her…shes only a baby

You will not take her from me…and how dare you threaten that…seems like you dont want us to work…like you are already planning for what to do when you are done with me…You will not win this fight buddy boy…I will fight you tooth and nail with everything I have to prevent you from taking her from me…Yes I do have a bad history of psych illness…and its not too far in the past…its only been 2 years…but that doesnt matter…I will not lose her…not now…NOT EVER!!!

You wanna go down that path buddy…go ahead…see what happens…you will NOT like the outcome…I guarentee it!!!

~My Angel~

2006-11-26T21:03:00.000-05:00

I look into those eyes of yours and see a fresh life; a new start.

I hold your tiny hand in mine, realizing this tiny hand holds my whole heart.

My past mistakes and regrets seem to fade away.

With you came the dawning of a brand new day.

I see a new beginning…a future full of love.

You’re God’s special gift to me; sent here from above.

All my life I was waiting; for what I couldn’t say.

I found out what that was…on that special November day.

As soon as I saw your face, my doubts disappeared without a trace.

I finally knew exactally what to do.

I will always love you.

I will always care for you.

I will never be far from your side.

I will come when you call.

Pick you up when you fall.

I will dry every tear that you cry.

I will be your friend and teacher.

You may come to think; tormenter and preacher.

But always above all… your mommy.

Rough Times

2006-11-24T00:21:00.000-05:00

It’s been rough these past few months…for both of us I know…I wonder sometimes…ok a lot where things are between us…

You say I’m being silly to ask…or to question…but you dont seem to understand where I’m coming from…When we found out about the baby…we werent even offically together…and you told me at that time that you werent even looking for anything serious with me at that time…we were “friends” (with benifits obviously) …then as soon as you found out you immediatly jumped into being us again. I think in a way you resent me for dumping this all on you…you even said when we get the paternity results back that’ll basically mean were engaged…why dont you trust me enough to ask me now…if you truly wanted to marry me…then you wouldnt hestitate…

It was your choice…but did you really stop to think about it…did I? Maybe I should have questioned your choice…maybe i should have said no! and made you stop to think a little more.

Always before what you gave me was good enough…maybe because in the long run as much as I knew I loved you…and wanted to be with you…maybe in the back of my head i didnt think we would last…I know thats sad to hear…and say but now I wonder…

Now I’m looking at it from a different angle…

When I say I love you…I cant picture going the rest of my life ( or extended future at least) …with the only response given is a grunt…if you do love me why cant you ever say it…or at least say it back?

When I ask you how I look…you say fine…always only fine…you never give any compliments either…and when i ask do you mean just fine (as in passable) or do you mean good…you roll your eyes at me like I’m crazy…Without understanding that I am a female…and need compliments to keep my self esteem up…Why is that so hard to do?

Even sometimes when I ask to cuddle with you…which we dont always get to do now…its sometimes to much of a pain…you dont have enough energy for me…and that hurts…I get very vulnerable…you knew this from the start…did you think I could just flip a switch and fix myself? Am I broken? Do I need to be fixed?

I need to hear the reassurance…that I’m pretty enough…that I’m good enough…that even when we fight…even when i piss you off…you still love me.

Was it just responsibility that got you to say you wanted me? Wanted us?

I cant go on this way if things dont change…I’ll just start to resent being here with you…I’ll start to resent myself because I will feel like I’m settling for less than I deserve…I asked you the other night if I deserved that deserved hearing the compliments…deserved hearing a response when I say those of so special words…and you said yes…but you still havent done anything different…

Did you mean that I deserved it…but just not from you?

I really don’t know anymore Bo…and I dont want to live the next few years desperatly trying to be happy about her…about us…while always sitting there questioning…always needing more…

But you’ll probably think I’m being needy…clingy…or something like that…maybe you never needed the reassurance babe…but I do…

I’m lost, confused, and a little broken now…please glue me back together …or let me go

Not enough

2006-11-19T11:04:00.000-05:00

It’s all well and good that you work so hard to support us…and that you are looking towards the future by concentrating on school…but dont forget about us…

You woke up this morning…your first day off in awhile…and you couldnt even spend time with us before you rushed out the door…didnt even stop for a kiss goodbye from either of us… My heart has been filled with so much joy over this lil’ angel i hold every day…but at the same time it is breaking a little more each day…

I told you last night how I needed time with you…i need you to actually start giving me compliments to help my self-esteem right now…I feel a little lonely…It’s hard…this new job I have…it’s gonna take time before I relax into it more…not that I regret or resent any second of it…but it is still hard…especially when you work more than you used to because of not having enough managers at work…I miss you…I miss having you there to talk to…plus i get worried about a lot… wondering if I’m doing a good job…worried that i might do something wrong…even though I know I make a great mom…i still worry sometimes…

So i guess the point I’m trying to make…is that…I know you are a great daddy…i know you are busting your ass trying to make sure we have everything we need…but the most important thing is that you dont forget that we need you here too… so babe…dont forget about us

My angel

2006-11-08T18:22:00.000-05:00

ok so November 8th now…she’s 6 days old now and I couldnt be happier… I will say the whole labor experience was horrid for the most part… it started at 11pm and as soon as they started me my contractions started coming 1min 1 & 1/2 mins apart but at that point they didnt hurt…they were just uncomfortable…Bo got to the hospital at about 2 am from work… and lucky he got there then cause they started hurting like a bitch…I couldnt move at all…without my stomach hurting…couldnt sleep at all either cause they were so painful and cause they were so close together… the other problem…if it wasnt a contraction hurting me…lil Kylie as active as ever even that morning…decided she wanted to kick when my stomach wasnt clenching from a contraction…so I got no break what-so-ever…That went on for about 5 hours all the time getting worse and worse…till finally my mom / bo and especially me fought with the doctors to get them to at least give me the shot in the butt for pain…ouch!!! And it didnt even help that much…

So finally at around 11 am they brought me down to the labor floor…and also FINALLY decided i was far enough along to get the epidurahl (sp?) …i was floating on cloud nine once that took effect… …ahh sweet relief at that point they also checked to see how ready i was…only 5 cms dialated at that point…. at about 12:30 they decided to let me pee…though i couldnt get up for it they stuck a cathador in me to drain it…shortly afterwards the contractions started hurting again…I told the nurse and she said to let her know if it got any worse….5 mins later I’m laying there screaming at my mom “I NEED TO PUSH” so the nurse comes back in…saying…”Well sometimes you get that urge so go ahead…but its gonna be another few hours before shes ready to come out…but let me take a look down there and see whats going on” …so she peaks her head down there as i satisify my urge to push…then all hell breaks loose…seems like they were wrong…she was ready to come out no matter what they said…so the nurse scrambles now OMG!!! SHE’S COMING!!! hits a buzzer and 5 people (a mix of doctors and nurses) come swarming into my room…all craziness from then on…

One nurse on my right side to hold my heel in the palm of her hand to brace on it for pushing…and guess who the lucky one was to hold the other side…Daddy :p …and he thought he’d be far away from actually seeing what was happening down there…no such luck…in the midst of pushing they ask me if I want them to put her on my stomach as soon as she comes out…before they even wash her up… me who was always grossed out by seeing that before… did i hesitate…no way… “yes go ahead put her there…please…please” …

Ok so I’m gonna skip how bad mannered I was to the doctors… telling one in particular to fuck off for touching me cause I wasnt pushing the way she wanted me to…or the mass amounts of me saying other things…basically boiled down to I CANT PUSH ANYMORE!!! and crying in between to Bo get her out…(he looked so helpless then) …And they did not help by trying to get me to touch the head as it was coming out…I sooo did not want to just touch her head…I wanted her out so I could hold her…but mainly at that point I just wanted the pain to end…

It was all worth it the second they put her on my stomach…She was beautiful… and it was such an amazing feeling to hold her…to see what he and I made together…to watch as our daughter took her first breath…had her first scream…the best part was that when they went to take her off of me to clean her up…she grabbed hold of my hospital gown…she didnt want to let go…

So now 6 days later… it still hurts to pee… my muscles are killing me…I’m soo sleep deprived its not even funny…I also can barely find time or energy to take a showere which i so desperatly need…But no way would I change a damn thing… Her birth was the best day of my life…She makes every bad choice …every bad mistake fade away…every tear worth while…and every smile that much brighter now…The feeling that I am even more complete now from having her…

I sit there at night with her (cause yes she’s a night owl just like mommy and daddy) …and just stare at her in wonder…trying to figure out what I did to deserve a child like her…what did i do to deserve to be so amazingly happy… and ya know what…I’ll never know…but she is mine…and I’ll never let her down…I’ll always be here for her…she’ll always be my little angel.

Countdown

2006-10-19T18:10:00.000-04:00

Ok so now there are 4 days till her due date. Though if she’s anything like her mom or dad …she’s gonna be late. Thats ok though…I’ll bite back my excitement….and be patient. I wasnt sure if it was ever possible to be this happy. To have such an overwhelming sense of happiness, and contentment. He’s been great throughout this whole time. It’s kinda funny to me now that when I first found out I was scared of his reaction. Scared that he may not want a part of this new life. I cant believe I ever doubted it for a second.

She responds to him so well. If he pokes my stomach she’ll kick back, but if he rubs it…she calms down. No matter what I do she always responds by kicking me :p …so it seems she is already daddy’s lil’ girl. My best memory so far is how one night he came home from work at 1:30am I was so exhausted I only woke up quick enough to say hi and then I fell back to sleep. He sat down on the couch in front of where I was laying. His back against my stomach. So at about 3am I finally woke up again with my stomach being really tight and uncomfortable. He turns around to rub my stomach with me groaning …”No, dont touch it yet…she’s hurting me right now” …then he tells me about what shes been up to…she had spent the past few hours kicking him very hard in the back…(at this point she was still kicking extreamly hard) so he proceeded to rub my stomach and say hello to her like he does every night. As soon as he did that she immediatly calmed down. Quit kicking me and went to sleep. He tried to lean back against her to show me what he meant by how much she was kicking him before … but nothing happened since he had finally said hello to her. The look on his face was priceless truly. The look of awe when he realized that all she wanted was him to say hello. The look of tenderness when he realized that she already knew who daddy was. I think it was the first time that this all felt truly real to him.

When I talked to him about it a few weeks later…going back over what I saw from my perspective… He told me….” It was the first time I bonded with her…It wasnt about you at all (he did not mean this offensivly) …it was about me …and her…and how she reacts to me even though she is still in your stomach” He’d probably kill me for saying this…but the guy who I have only ever seen shead a tear once…actually shed another tear…the first of many I’m sure for his baby girl…

I hope as she grows older she realizes how much both of us love her. Actually I know she will.

And so I continue to sit here patiently…waiting till I can see her face…till I can hold her in my arms…till I can see the look on his face when he holds our daughter for the very first time. I wait to see how we will grow as a family… Knowing that our love will help us weather out the many storms I’m sure we will face. But we can do it all together…

I always had my family….but now I also have MY family.

Random

2006-10-19T00:05:00.000-04:00

So I wonder where to start with my thoughts…since they are always such a jumbled mess. So we’ll start with the present day. Where i sit alone most days…rampant thoughts running around. Some scary, some good, but its alwasy so hard to make sense of anything. I wonder how much I truly have changed from that scared little girl I was just a short while ago. The one who screamed out for attention…who screamed out for help. Every drop of blood for what? The one who used to think. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I holding onto a love that seems like it can never be?

What happened to change things so far? Where i feel as though one day I was pulled out of my old “Way of life” and shoved into this new …wonderful world. It couldnt of been anything I did…cause I always screw everything up. So what happened? How did I get so lucky? ….and that ever present fear of … How long do I have before it’s ripped away from me again? Till I go back to who I used to be? I think that scares me the most. That I COULD go back to her…to that broken scared…drug filled… outta control…dont give a fuck if I live or die girl.

I sit at home alone talking to friends online…. people who have never seen me…never seen the scars I wear 24/7… I wonder if they saw me on the street if they would quickly walk the other way.

The biggest thing is…When it comes down to it. I know I made the change for the better happen! I know I finally decided that my life was worth living. But now the sad thing that remains is that one day… I will have to look my baby girl in the eyes and explain to her where all the booboos on mommys arm came from… Do I lie to her then? A car accident maybe? …but no I could not lie…when she was old enough to understand I would have to look her in the eyes and say at one time mommy did not care about anything or anyone… I will have to tell her how close I came to ending it all…and never giving her the chance to be born.

So now…. as I said….I sit alone at home most days to avoid people in real life… on the chance that if I make new friends…either I will make a bad choice and meet another parasite…who will drag me back in a downwards spiral…or on the chance that I will get comfortable with them….and finally relax enough to wear my shortsleave shirts… or my shorts even….and they will finally see every part of me…and decide I am not worth shit!

But what do I care if that happens right? I know my worth…And the only people who matter to me are my family…The ones who held me and wouldnt let go. The ones who saw me at my worst and never gave up.

I assume people would treat me different if they knew…if they knew my darkest secrets…my lowest low… so I tend not to give them that chance. Pathetic maybe…. sad yes! But it is who I am… It is my only defense sometimes. To have so many people walk away from me already… It’s hard to give someone else that chance