Thoughts of you

Do you think to punish me for my actions and thoughtless words with your silence? With your unwillingness to pick up my phone calls...or to even call back? Your unwillingness to show that we matter...to show that you mean what you say when you say you care.

I find it sadly and pitifuly amusing now. Because it is not a punishment if it was supposed to be. All it does is ease my heart further into that coldness.

I'm already forgetting you in some ways...forgetting what it felt like in the safety of your arms...so that now that memory doesnt have me wanting or needing it any longer. I'm forgetting what it meant to be yours. For the truth is...You have lost so much of me already and do not try hard enough to get it back. I forget what it means to be a family, for you are not there as you should be....and so have built stronger the family consisting of only me and her.

So many days go by with not enough effort. And it makes it easier to let go. Makes me more willing to let it slip away then to fight for something that is harder than mist to hold onto.

You say that I dont give you credit about you stopping by more. I see that. I know you say you are trying. But you arent. I know if you look closer you would see that too. Words are so easily spoken...not so easily proved.

What reason do I have to see that you truly care. When you come here...you pay little attention to working things out with me. I know you miss your daughter...and I think thats all there is to it. Maybe just maybe if you showed some of the joy at seeing me that you show at seeing her...then maybe id believe.

You get angry when i call a few times in a row...but you do not even act a bf who would care enough to pick up when his girl called. But thats the problem...why should I trap myself into being the woman of a man who doesnt hold her in enough regard to call back...to pick up....to show love and to be willing to work through this...to be willing to talk about whats on your mind. To find a way to make things better.

I wonder if you just wait for me to give up completly. So that you will become the victim. So that you can say finally. well I wanted it to work but she didnt. She gave up.

I have spent so much time committed to you. But now I wonder...do you really truly deserve that committment? What have you done that has shown you deserve it. What have you said or shown me of love?

You show the barest amount of tolerance on the good days. Never asking how my days go? How am I? Never even calling to see how your daughter is. That day she was sick...did you even call the next day to see how she was feeling. No! You couldnt spare the time.

So tell me, why should I spare any more of my time to you? And if you were me...would you choose differently.

Im tired of loving a stranger. Once I thought I knew you....but over and over again....what I know slips away to shadows of a man wont let me in...who chooses to let me slip away. Who cares nothing of the hurt I am feeling...cares not enough to erase the uncertainty i feel deep in my heart...Will you be sorry when my head wins this battle of confusion? For if things do not change soon....it will.

holding onto a string

I wonder whats going on in your head. You say you want it to work. and sometimes you surprise me with the effort you put into it. But other times...most times. You dont seem to have the time.

I love you. I really do. But how much more of this can I take? This isnt a relationship. This is a joke right now. We barely see eachother. We never have any one on one time. And I feel like crying everytime you leave because its all so frustrating. Im reaching the end of my rope.

Damnit I reached the end a long time ago but kept grasping at the frayed edges trying to hold onto a string. It doesnt work anymore B. And I cant keep doing this. You want everything to be perfect. Want me to have a job and be set. Is it not enough to work on it with me out of work. Can you not help me figure things out. We have a daughter together. You barely even see her because your so damn busy with work. When b? When is it our turn to get your full attention?

When you decide its time...just know that the day you decide that...might be a day too late. the string cant hold forever