Is this pitiful?

That even through all the shit we've been through. I miss you. My head and heart simultaniously screm...I want to go home.

I got bad news today....struck deep and hard. My uncle died. I wanted you. I wanted you to hold me and say it would be ok. I wanted you to understand.

That day when I left....if only you had said. Dont go. I sit here trying to keep myself from being defeated...maybe it gets easier as I go...but right now I just keep wishing you would say...come home where you belong. That it should be so easy for you to want that.

Its all a dream. The family that pulls through...isnt for me I guess. My childhood dream and my adult hopes and wishes and prayers....are not to be answred the way I had wanted.

Im sorry....for every second I wasted with you. Im sorry....

I hate crying...so very much. And yet right now I cant seem to stop. I hate it...I hate myself for being so weak. I wish the hate overpowered the hurt. I wish I wasnt so weak. I wish I could turn a cold shoulder on this all...and move on through.

Some say congrats on moving on. Some say I shouldnt ask you anything. But I cant help it sometimes.

Does anyone know how much I loved you despite all our fights. Did you even. If you could feel the pain right now....it gets worse at night. I wish I could forget you.

But every time I look at her face. Its your eyes staring back at me. I love her to death....I would give up the world for her. But your eyes haunt me through her. Maybe someday they are right this will pass. But right now....its killing me inside and out.